I know this subject has been talked about and is touchy with some members.

I am a favored child and so are my children. My mom has 2 children, I am the oldest. It's a very long story so I'll try to be brief. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my brother was 5. My brother lived with my dad and I with my mom.

As adults my brother is seperated has 2 kids by 2 different women has had multiple jobs, been in trouble with police, borrowed money from everyone, and currently lives with my grandmother. I could write a book on just him.

I am not perfect but at the same time have not asked my mom for money ever and have a very stable life at present.

My mom spends a lot of time with my kids. She doesn't really know his kids. Part of it is where they live with their mothers and my brother has each of them sporadic at best. The other part is just so much history and variables.

My mom has proposed to have seperate xmas celebrations with me and my brother. She really goes over board on my kids and not his. I feel very badly about the situation with my brother. I know my mom and no matter what I say it will always be this way with the grandkids. Her dh even agrees with the situation. I would like to be there at the same time as my brother and had thought to just give his kids a couple of gifts so it wouldn't be so noticable. I know realize it's not just about the gifts and I don't want to "throw" this favoritism in his or the kids face.

At the same time my kids are not favored with my dad or my in-laws. Believe me both have favorites but it's not my kids. I don't want to take away the closeness or ruin my kids relationship with my mom. It is truly an awesome relationship that goes far beyond gift giving.

So my question is- should I just accept the seperate celebrations? Should I confront my mom? Should I just give gifts to my brothers children?

Please don't judge me to harshly, thanks

First of all, no family is perfect - at least I haven't met any. At least you understand the dynamic of your family, and that is something that people can spend their lives trying to figure out.

I would think of it this way: What would be best for all of the children involved? Should your brother's children be there when your children open lots of wonderful gifts? I would only imagine how heartbreaking it would be. I would suggest seperate gift-opening times, since you can't do anything about how your mother acts.

Maybe there could be another time to get together with everyone - maybe a meal or something else that would not involve presents. That would give all of the cousins a chance to be together.

Sounds like a tough deal. Best of luck to you.

Maybe I can suggest that to my mom, I would still like to see them.

I am leaning towards giving his kids gifts but just leave them at my mom's earlier and they can open them when they have their xmas. I won't be there to see it (which I love to see kids open presents) but then I'd know they would get some more gifts.

While I'm happy for your kids, I'm very sad for your brothers. Not only are they dealing with divorced parents, but their grandma doesn't care as much about them either. Not trying to be hard on you OR your mom...just saying I feel sorry for the kids. But I agree with newlywed that it would hurt his children's feelings to see your children get so much more. Perhaps you could have a "family" Christmas where you & brother & kids & grandma each exchange gifts, but asking your mom to only give your kids and you something equal to your brother & his kids. Then if she wants to stop by on Christmas day or some other time with some "extra" things she could do that. HTH

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We deal with the same exact thing with dh family. DH is the favorite, and so are our kids. It is so frustrating! I hate how MIL gives extras to my kids, and I will not allow them to get more in front of the other kids. It only causes hurt feelings. I agree with aliadam. See if she'll give all the children presents of equal value when you are all together. If she feels the need to give more to your kids, as my MIL does, she needs to do it at a separate time.

I feel bad for them too that is why I have gifts for them. Me and my brother don't exchange gifts and we don't normally buy for each others kids either as we have several christmas'. Another reason why I thought I'd leave them at my mom's so he doesn't have to feel like he has to buy gifts for my kids.

I would talk to your mom and let her know that you really want to celebrate with your brother and his children also. Ask her to give your children a couple of small gifts that day and then if she has larger gifts she could give them to your children another day when your brother and his kids are not there.

I also agree with this 100%. Things should be equal if you are going to be all together at the same time. And have your mom come over seperately.

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Stacey

“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. ~ Eddie Cantor

thanks everyone, it's worth a shot to talk with her I think she does agree that it's not fair to the other kids hence the seperate xmases but for some reason it's not enough to buy them more

My mom does something like this. although I am not the fav, not sure she has one. she always brings over presents for kids to unwrap at home with her. I just thought she found more stuff for my kids and didn't want others to feel they didn't get same amount. turns out she does this with all of us. my mom "finds" gifts after being lost (sometimes it can be uo to a year later) so the kids gifts are not always equal. she will tell us so we know. I hope something can be worked out.

allgirls

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allgirls, mom to 3 girls

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