I have to apologize in advance because this might become long. Alot of you know the issues that I have with my In-laws. Lately, it's been really bad. Just the attitude, distance and strain. As i've posted before, my IL deliberately do things to hurt or upset DH and I. Well he went down today to see them, so that the kids could spend some time before they leave for England. Anyhow, they bought the kids a few things and didn't buy DH ANYTHING. Now I'm hurt and embarrassed for him. But my mom says too that his parents don't have to buy him or the kids anything either. It's not their responsibility. I can see her point, but on the other hand, it's their son. They support his brother which is 30, still lives at home and doesn't work. DH is not one to TALK about his feelings. He kinda tosses everything up in the air and says it's not going to change, so don't get upset about it.

Now when DH was hunting wiht my dad, his dad called and reemed me out, about how I have to grow up, and just deal with the crap from his mom. I say no, you're not going to walk all over me or try to run my family. Everything has to be around his parents and what they want and when they want it. I was PISSED to say the least about his dad calling me and starting crap, but DH never really addressed the issue with them about.

So here are my questions/issues.
1. I think DH should deal with this once and for all, confront his parents about what his dad did to me and what crap his mom has done too ever the last few years.
2. I know I'm going to get reemed for this. But I'm not sure what I want as far as a relationship with my kids and his parents. I just feel like they've sh** on us enough, just cut ties, but he thinks it's his parents and the kids grandparents, so they have to have some kind of relationship. But if so, then what.
3. My parents are very generous to us and the kids, and I know my mom says that she's cutting back on DH since his parents don't do for me, and that's not fair. I kinda agree, but also feel that my parents should not give and give to us if his parents don't.

I have no dealings with his family. I haven't seen her since August when she came 3 hours late to DD b-day party. The kids don't go there without DH and they don't get time alone with the kids, DH always has to be there.

BUt in turn it hurts me when they do this and then I get upset and stress and obsess about it. I just wish they would stay away, it's easier to deal with it that way, but this come in every 6 weeks, start crap and leave for 6 weeks, I'm just over it. Everyone says be a bigger person, I'm trying but it's so hard.

I whole situation is screwed up. Just when I think I get over it and control it, something happens and stirs me all up again. I just don't know what else to do but call and tell these people off, but what is that point if I do that and DH doesn't "have my back and I have to fight this alone". I'm just about to loose it and at my boiling point now!!!

Sounds like drama. I would focus on your family and try to stay away from it. Let your husband take the kids to see them every 6 weeks or so. Have some "ME" time while they are gone. As long as they arent mistreating the kids, let your husband take them over to see grandma and grandpa. If they get you on the phone and start to be negative, tell them that either they will have to take it up with their son, or that you chose not to have the conversation and your going to hang up the phone. Its really this simple. Dont let yourself get wrapped up in the drama. Tell your hubby you dont want to hear about it unless it is something that is of urgent nature. You will have to decide what is urgent to you. Let hubby know what your going to be doing and that its for your piece of mind. Let him know ahead of time what "urgent" is to you. This is what I would do. Your in-laws will start to see you as an adult and may start to have more respect for you and dh.

__________________

This is really between your dh and them....he should say something, but it's up to him. You could mention, however, sliding it into the next conversation, that he was a bit hurt by this episode. I would also tell your mom not to cut back on gifts to your dh because of what his parents do. It's none of HER business what his parents do or don't do, and it's unfair to him. If anything, I would give more, if I were in her shoes. I remember the August incident, and it's just rude, how flippant she is. I don't know about cutting them out, but I would definitely never initiate contact, but that's just me.

__________________


Happy Thanksgiving!

Make someone's heart smile today.

I agree with lauriesbiz & desertmom. You need to just not let it bother you so much. You constantly being angry with his mom and wanting no one to have a relationship with his parents has put strain on your marriage in the past, and will again if you continue to let this eat away at you. So let him take the kids to see his parents, kiss them goodbye and say "have a good time" and don't talk badly about his parents to him or your kids. Personally, I think if he wants himself and his children to continue a relationship with them, then you shouldn't demand he not. As far as your mother's attitude, I think it's as bad as your mil. Why should she buy less for him because of something his parents do? That makes no sense to me. Giving comes from the heart, and isn't meant to be a pay back. JMO

__________________

OMG - is your DH my DH's long lost brother? I could have written your letter, except for my inlaws never leave the country. However - we do go months on end without hearing from them. They support the children of his 35 year old idiot sister - who steals from them and his grandmother and lives in a hotel with her ex-con fourth husband. Yikes. He says that we are not going to his parents if his sister is there on xmas, but he hasn't told his parents this, even though I have explained that is the polite thing to do. They need to be told what to expect. (stealing from the grandma was the final straw for my DH - he now says he doesn't have a sister...) It's sad, because DH has accomplished so much - putting himself through college, grad school and post-grad - never a penny from them, even though they tell everyone they paid for it. Anyway - I feel your pain. Here are my answers -
1. I agree that DH should deal with it - but mine won't either, so I understand. He did get really harsh with them over the crap with his sister this year. Lay down some ground rules like I have: 1. if the SIL kids get gifts and my kids get nothing - we leave. He has agreed to that. Many years SIL's boyfriend/husband/whatevers get stacks of presents and DH gets nothing - year after year. He agrees that they can't mistreat the kids. 2. They are never ever alone with the kids. (his dad has a thing for **** and I have always had a creepy feeling about him.) This is non-negotiable. Luckily - they have NEVER volunteered to babysit - probably because they can't tell you which of my girls is which.
2. I agree about the relationship with the inlaws. I feel like my DH would have minimal stress in his life if his parents just dropped off the face of the earth. I know that's mean - it's Christmas - yadda yadda yadda, but they have been incredibly mean to me over the years and it's hard to just take it.
3. Your mom shouldn't cut back on your DH. Remind her that she is all he has in the way of a normal mother. I'm lucky that my DH tells my mom all the time how much he appreciates her - my parents think of him as an equal kid.

Good luck - I know how hard it is. Sorry this is so long. Touchy subject!