I don't often share my feeling with people.Lately I have been feeling like I have become bitter and heartless. I don't know if it is just my age..I am 34....or if it has just from my sour relationships with people. It could also be that I have become like my father.
My father is not big on expressing his feelings and is very negative about everything.

I think back to my youth and I seem like such a different person now. I would love to feel like I did when I was young. Hopeful, happy, trusting, believing in people and myself. I have had a lot of let downs in my life since then...from people, experiences and just plain life in general.

I have had men let me down, girlfriends let me down. I have let myself down and just plain people have let me down. I have been screwed over, lied to, gossiped about, left heartbroken, used, degraded. I have set goals that are not achieved...so that is how I have let myself down. I basicly blame myself for all of it because I let it all happen in my life.

I love my job but it has also made me separate feelings from life. I see people die on almost a weekly basis...I see them suffer. Not just old people but infants, children. It seems so harsh but because I see it all the time.... most of the time I don't even allow myself to feel anything. I detached from it. I do get upset about the kids only. I feel they are so innocent still inside.
I find myself judging or making excused not to care. For example...so and so was a 45y/o male...came in with a massive heart attach last week and died. He clearly drank and smoked and was obese. I walked out after the code thinking...well that is what he gets for not taking care of himself and brushed it away. I know inside that nobody deserves death....why am I so cold hearted.
I have a hard time dealing with my feeling inside mostly because I don't really trust anymore that people actually care about my problems. Everyone has problems and I don't feel half the time that I should burden my friends with my problems. Half the time I listen to my friends problems I feel like they don't take my advice...so why am I wasting my time trying to help them. I have one girlfriend that I can kind count on out of a number of people in my life that I call my friends so you can imagine how hard it is for me to make new friends.
My husband and I have been together since we were 18. My marriage is a whole new problem.
Why have I become this person who I don't even like. I can feel this way inside but play it off like I am a whole different person on the outside. I even tried to do nice things for people this holiday season to make me feel better. I just feel like such a judgemental, heartless person. I feel up tight and controlling...negative person. How did this happen?

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Heather
Mom to three dd 14, ds 8, dd 5

I have been thinking many of the same things lately.

For the matter of your work, I think it is a self defense mechanism. My dad used to be a fireman and would go on ambulance calls. Some of the scenes he would see would like scenes straight from horror movies. Most times he could just go through the motions and do what needed to be done, but like you said, kids are different. He and the other guys would usually need sit and talk those ones out. No one can wrap their mind around things like that. I doubt you could make it through a whole day if you let your emotions get involved with each person you had to care for. It's something that everyone in your line of work goes through, I know you are not alone. Know that you are doing good and helping others, it's a wonderful thing.

I think our minds do what they have to to cope with situations and it does change who we are. I wish I could go back to being the carefree girl who always hugged people when I met them, laughed a lot, trusted unconditionally, but the fact is that the bumps in the road leave scares and we learn from them. With those leason unfortunately we become a little more cautions and a little more callous.

I don't think we can go back completely because we are are older and wiser, but I don't think it's ever to late to see the world with new eyes again. Some of us have the best teachers so close to us and we don't notice them. Have you ever just taken a walk with your child and watched how fascinated they become with the small things, a caterpillar, a pile of leaves, a perfect flower, a mud puddle, sand, rocks..... Have you ever noticed how they only think about the thing they are doing right at that moment and enjoy it throughly? Have you ever had them look at you and tell you how much they love you and hug you so tight with those tiny little arms? I think we are given these precious little people to remind us that the world is still a beautiful place...even when our scares tell us it can hurt sometimes. It can never truly be enjoyed with caution though. Sometimes you have to run barefoot through the mud puddles and feel it squish between your toes.

I'm trying something new today, maybe it would help you too. I too can be a bit judgy. I'm going to try to see things from other people's point of view first. My word of the day is compassion. We don't all come from the same place, we all have bad days, we don't know what crosses the other person has to bare. Their husbands could be cruel, their family members could be sick, they might be sitting so deep in their own hole of depression that they don't ever think they can find their way out again. I want to be that person who can maybe bring that little spark of hope and lightness to someones day. It might not be more than a smile, or thank you, or a tender look rather than a cross one, but I"m going to try. It might be a place to start. I think it can become a habit, just as judging first is. I also think that the feelings we give away, we get back even more.

Big hugs...

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The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

I often feel that I am judgemental also. I think it has to do with growing up. When we become adults we see so many bad things and we now know right from wrong. When we see other people doing wrong we think we could do better, when infact we probly would make the same mistakes if we were in their shoes. I think that my dh's family see's me as stuck up and judgemental becuase I dont like most of the things they do. I cant help that and I shouldnt have to. My point is we all feel this way at times becuase we are mean at times. We all pass judgement and we all have a lack of sensitivity at times. Life just does that to you.

People have used me and hurt me. And I'm sure that somebody feels that i have done that to them. But it doesnt do any good to walk around with all that on your shoulders. The only thing you can do is change the way you think tomarrow, and when you wake up the next day make a decision to be who you want to be in that moment. Everyday we have to chose who we want to be and If we dont like it , change.


I hope something comes along that makes you smile!

I understand how you get frustrated and fed up with people. I work at a state hospital. I take care of prisoners who for the most part are polite, say please and thank you and treat me with respect. I've taken care of patients with more money than I will see in my lifetime if I lived to be 300 and they treat me with respect. I get TIRED of taking care of the trash that comes in that yell at me, call me nasty names, spit, hit, complain that they cannot afford their medication yet they can afford their cigarettes that they stink of. Best of all they don't say please or thank you, treat me like trash, and I'm the one who is working, struggling to put food on the table and make ends meet and my taxes go to pay their hospital stay.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have to face all of that suffering on a daily basis. I think your reaction is definitely a defense mechanism. I don't know if you're at all religious, but maybe you could find comfort in your faith of choice. I know I couldn't get through life without my faith. As for the hurts & disappointments in your life, we have all had those, it's not something you should blame on yourself. I believe the trials we face are valuable lessons to help us grow. Regret about the past is very unhealthy. Try to make the best of every situation and count your blessings. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself. Maybe you need to focus on all of the good things you have done in your life. I'm sure there has been a lot. There are a lot of things in life we can't control, one thing we can control is our own way of thinking. You can choose to think positive thoughts or negative.Positve is definately more fun! I'll bet you have really helped a lot of people in your profession and really made a difference in their lives. You deserve to be happy.I'm hoping that you can find peace in your life. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

I don't know you, but I am assuming from your post that you are an ER nurse - yes? I worked in administration for many years before my current SAHM status. The best part about nursing is that you can stop what you are doing and have a brand-new career without going back to school. Is there anything else you have ever wanted to do? Start shopping for an internship - there will be tons starting in June. Maybe you should try outpatient surgery or teaching? You may just be at a point where you need to shake things up. My DH is also in medicine and he is working a similar situation right now. I tell him all the time it is time for a change. I think that you need one every 5-7 years in the hospital. Too long in one place and you become bitter and "grizzled," to use one of my favorite words...

You spend more time at work than you do (awake) at home so you should be happy!!!

Does it help to know that you are actually helping someone? I'm sure there are those that have left, knowing they were cared for. Even those that pass away - I'm sure you have eased the suffering of many. I was in the ER two days after my daughter's birth, and although now I know how serious my condition was (postpartum preeclampsia), I felt foolish taking up the busy nurse's time. How silly I was. Yet, as busy as they were, there were two who were so helpful. I don't remember much of the ER stay, as I was really out of it, and I have had bad nurses there and during the subsequent hospital stay. But the good nurses outshone the bad.

It sounds like you really need a break to gather perspective. I would also suggest some therapy - a professional can help you through this. Your feelings are very real and very normal. Not good, but they do happen. Take care of you, so your family can feel your happiness again. They want mom.

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Make someone's heart smile today.

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I don't know you, I did read your post, and I remember one about your marriage and thinking it was heading for divorce.( I PM'd you I think. ) I skimmed through the other responses so if I repeat anyone else I apologize.

NOW, I am 34 and I have actually been where you are. My marriage did end in divorce. I am now remarried and very happy, but it took a long time to get where I am.

First, you should figure out what you want out of life, what is going to make YOU happy?? then you have to figure out what you want out of your relationship/marriage and except nothing less.

I thought I was having a mid-life crisis at 27--my marriage was falling apart, my job was changing (because of a merger), my Dad moved to California, and had no friend (because most of them were my husbands friends and stuck by him), my sister and I have never been close, my mother and I have never been close, my Grandparents wrote me off because I was going through a divorce, I lost the only people that I did call family (my husband's family), and I was absolutely miserable. I hated the world and I was sure that the world hated me. Someone, a family counseler, handed me a book to read "The Five Love Languages" I highly recommend it. It teaches you so much about yourself, and it gives you insight to how the people are around you are. That book changed my outlook on myself, on my marriage (or the end of it), on raising my children, and on my life. You are #1, you have to be happy with yourself before you can try to make anyone else happy. I finally for the first time in my life, stood up and said " I am going to take care of me!" "I am going to make myself happy and not anyone else!" It may sound selfish, but when you get to a point where you are hitting rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

As far as your job, I have read the others, and I agree, that is what you do, and the fact that you have no emotion there I don't think makes you a bad person. I would think it would be more stressful for you the other way, if you had feelings for these people. you would be upset all the time, being attached to them. and that is not good.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk. I will do my best to be there for you. I know it is not fun. And sometimes it is just nice to know that you are not alone.

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Stacey

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Wow, Heather. With the exception of the marriage and job issues, I could have written your post word-for-word.

I've had so many bad things happen to me over the last 10 years that I have mentally shut down and become a cold, heartless individual. I think it's a defense mechanism that my mind created to save me from pain. I became so calloused that not one person on this planet could ever do anything to hurt me. Basically, for the last 4 years I've just been existing, walking around and not really giving a s**t about anything. I've been going through the motions of life but haven't really been "living".

Over the last few months, my state of mind has finally caught up with me. I've been thinking and feeling a little more. I think it's one of the reasons why I've been having so many health problems lately.

Have you thought about talking to a counselor or doctor about how you're feeling? It could be that you're dealing with a form of depression. I suspect that's what's been going on with me, but I didn't want to admit it to myself.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but I wanted you to know that you're not the only one who feels this way. {{HUGS}}

I have been where you are. I went through a period of time where I wasn't myself and felt lousy. Without going into to much boring detail, I eventually figured out that I was putting everyone elses needs above my own and it was making me miserable. I learned that it is okay to put myself and my needs first. I began doing things for myself and taking charge of my life. This really helped me. I also sought help from a therapist and my doctor. There is hope, you just need to be willing to make some changes in your life. The real you is still there.