But I'm truly happy about it. It's alot but here goes. Something in me just switched like a light. I feel like I finally got wise to people and stop being a door mat. I guess maybe I've finally took control instead of things controlling me. I've made some wonderful friends since all this crap with Brian started and they are a WONDERFUL support system for me. They made me realize my doubt that I was having was 100% right and that I deserved to be happy, by myself or with someone else. Life is too short to be miserable and I'm taking my 20's as life lessons. I have 2 fantastic kids that I have to be a role model for and the kids are doing so fantastic. I truly believe that there is going to be something wonderful at the end of all this, and everything that I've been going through is just making me stronger and making me realize how strong of a woman I am.

I've taken control of me. I've been taking the time to work out, yes I did it 3 times this week and go again tomorrow morning. I think I'm hooked. I took a spinning class and it's my hour to not think about anything and to get my aggression out. I feel great. I am sticking to using up what I have in the house and have not purcahsed a single item of clothes in 6 weeks for myself. For the kids it was about 4 weeks ago and we are all set unitl next September. That was a goal of mine to lose 25 pounds and save all the money I was spending on clothes to buy myself all new when I lose the weight.

I don't know how to phrase this but here goes "I finally got tired of dealing with everyone elses crap." The lies, sneakyness, just being a horses a$$. If I was not willing to invest in myself and let people take advantage of me, then what was I saying to my kids and myself. And if I didn't respect myself or believe in myself, it was just giving a bad outlook for people on me.

Brian still fights me tooth and nail about every little thing. Money, furniture, the kids. I just smile ( which kills him) and say he needs to speaks with Julia. He's emailed me and begged for me to change my mind and he'll change, but I gave him so much time and he never did. In counseling I've learned with someone like him, I just need to say, that I'm not happy, and that we can do better just being good parents to the children. Not get into this he's this or that. Honestly, we just grew apart. Marriage takes work, and for some reason I was just settling being thankful someone married me to say I was married, happy or not. I deserve to get flowers, get attention and affection and not beg for it and be turned down. Now:happy dance: knowing that I deserved to be with someone that wanted to be with me. It's okay to be on my own. I was always afraid of being without him, but when I really look at the last 2 years, really look at them, what did I need him for. I worked 2 jobs, took care of the kids, house, bills. I may not have done the perfect job, but I managed,so what do I need him or his crap for. If anything, he should be on his knees thanking me, the kids are so well behaved, manner, the house was clean. Not the other way around.

Lynn, my counselor told me too, that if I think he's going to start now to show his feelings and emotions forget it. But when I look back over time all things I didn't see, I kick myself. All the side work he did, he put into the race car, instead of helping with house bills. Buying stuff for the RC and saying it was for the house, generator, tents. And me selling my stuff to get stuff for the kids. Not anymore. Never again will I ever let me heart rule my head. My gut was right 8 years ago, saying that I would end up divorced and I'm listening to my gut more and more now.

I'm sorry this is such a long and drawn out post. But you girls have been WONDERFUL to me over the past 3 or 4 years, and I'm just finally glad that I'm taking control of my life.

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT. I'm going to make it and be okay!!!

WOW!! You go girl!! That was an AWESOME post and even inspiring!
I know all about the sidework for the racecar/house stuff and just this year the side work is paying for the house bills so I can only work part time and be home w/the kids the rest. He just gave me $2500 to catch up on the mortgage, but of course I am reminded what that could have been for in the racecar. So I am hoping there is light for me, but want you to know how PROUD I am of you! You ARE strong and you WILL make it through this with a happy ending! :happy dance:

You will make it and I have every confidence that you and the kids will be more than okay!!! What a great post- I hope you refer back to it if you ever feel down on yourself. Look at all you've done and will do for those kids - thay are lucky to have you, so be good to yourself too!!

Good for you- I am happy you are doing well
What an inspiration and like you said a great role model for your children.
Good luck

Good for you! I agree - you will be ok! Once you get over your fears and gain some confidence in your abilities it's amazing what you can get through, overcome, and achieve on your own. It's a shame we can't tap into these wisdoms and strengths when we are younger - life would be so much easier!!!

Wow! That was a powerful post. I've told you before how proud I was that you did what you had to, and this post was great! I think the exercise is helping you feel powerful, too!

I wish I had your therapist. She sounds so good! She's right. He's not going to change. He can make someone else's life miserable. Your words above about the race car really took me back to my childhood. My dad would always be putting money into his company, buying BRAND NEW dump trucks, cars he would fix up and sell, $1,000 tool sets, lathes for hobbies, etc., saying it would bring in more. It never did. He would just spend the money back on another hobby or at the bar. Meanwhile, he would bring home pork chops and steaks for my mom to cook, while we were lucky to have potatoes in the house to fry. I literally never had a new outfit until I was 12, and that was for his wedding to my stepmom as soon as the divorce went through.

People don't usually change, especially when they think they are right, which he still does. It's so good to see YOU are changing. When you are 40, you will look back and think how wonderful your decision was for everyone. Thank God you didn't let this go on for so many more years. You are so young and can still make your life what you want. We will need before and after pics!!

Congratulations!

__________________
Make someone's heart smile today.

You make me want to stand up and CHEER! Yay! Good for you! I have walked in your shoes, and I know the elation when you wake up one day and realize you are in love with yourself and that everything is going to be okay. Keep up the good work you've been doing on yourself. You're setting an awesome example for your kids. It's never okay to be downtrodden and stepped on. Keep smiling! I can tell by the way you wrote that you were grinning from ear to ear with happiness!

__________________

There are more than 40 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most of them. There is no known prevention or cure for any of them.
My Blog:Musings of a Heart Family

Good for you!!!

__________________
~Happiness is a large family~

Wow! I am so very proud of you. It's been quite a journey for you to get to this point and I thank you for sharing it with us. Your story could help another woman face her fears and her struggles and get her life back too!

This is a great time in your life. It's no doubt you are smiling, taking care of yourself and making new friends. Positivity is contagious! :happy dance: :happy dance: :happy dance:

((((((BIG HUGS))))))

That is absolutely wonderful!!

You sound like me when I decided to leave my first marriage!! It is such a great feeling isn't it?? To finally stand up for yourself!! Good for you!! Thanks for the update

And big hugs to you!!

__________________
I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. ~ Frances Moore Lappe