Okay this is my third attempt at writing this!!!
It all has to do with my Mom and our relationship!
Help!! I go back and forth with this and I will try to explain with out the whole life story.....
My mom and I have never had the best of a Mother/daughter relationship. As a teenager she was "my friend" when I got older 20's she was like my idk kind of like you could do better, well I am doing better and still it doesn't seem to be enough. I keep feeling like I have to do things to make her happy to meet her approval and yes I have shared this with her. We have gone back and forth..love/hate....
Here is the real problem I am having with her now.

Start from a few years ago...my dh got an offer from his job to move we declined during this time my mom and I have gone back and forth (as always) and as always any argument is my fault etc... so it was really bad at this point and time and then dh got offer #2 so we took it moving us 1000 miles away. I/we figured moving will put the distance between us (oh Mom lived 10 doors down) and possibly hopefully be able to rebuild relationship. Well not so..how can she still manipulate me over the dang phone????

So we are here at the 2 year point Mom decides she can't be away from the grandkids (did I mention I am an only child) so on their vacation here a year and four months ago they buy a house here in our neighborhood maybe 40 houses away walking distance.

Now here we are 1 year into them living here do they see the kids???? Do they babysit as they said they would be delighted to do??? If I ask I get the third degree, why? Where you going what are you planning on doing??? Then it is like oooohhhhh okay I guess I can watch them!!! The last time she watched them the kids were actually at the neighbors house the entire time!! Oh that was the time before but it is so frustrating she doesn't work and as Dad says she doesn't work so she can be a full time grandmother, WHAT????

DH thinks she tells my dad another story as if she sees them all day everyday??? 3 of my kids are in school the oldest from 7-3 then practice 5-8 everyday. The other two are in school from 12:30 -4 everyday!!! Is it really so hard to watch these guys for us so we can do our second job or go on a date???

DH says forget them find babysitter!!! With what $$$.
I am so confused and hurt this is an ongoing problem and she cause so much and my babies suffer. She won't talk to me then blames me to my father. I am 35 will it ever end?? Will she ever step up and be a grandmother am I asking to much of her??? She is the one who claims to have moved all the way up here to be with the grandkids!!!!! It is bad when the 13 year old asks me what is wrong with grandma and why doesn't she like having us there!!

HELP PLEASE ADVICE!

__________________
~~Christina~~
SAHM with a DH, DS(13), DD(5), DS(4), and DD(2)!
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." ~C.S. Lewis~

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you. I have a father who is not in practice who he says he is in words either (and am also an only child). I am 42. The only thing that has helped me (but not tons) is when I came to the realization that he would never be what he says he is (or what I wanted/needed him to be.) Try to expect her to only be what she does, not what she says she does/is. It won't change anything, but it helps me (sometimes) to cope.

thanks so much. I have realized that she isn't what I would call a grandmother I guess my idea of it is bigger than she can do. It just hurts that she pretends or really thinks that she is all and more. I am thankful for what she does do it's just at times it doesn't seem to be enough. And that she drags me into it all, always some kind of condition in order for her to be grandma.

__________________
~~Christina~~
SAHM with a DH, DS(13), DD(5), DS(4), and DD(2)!
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." ~C.S. Lewis~

First of all, I'm sorry you have such a controlling, manipulative mother. You may not like what I'm going to say, but here it is. We can only be manipulated when we allow it, and she has pushed herself on you for so long, I'm not sure you know how to stop it. My dad is the same way - he's pushy, but my mom is more passive aggressive. You just have to stay your ground and do what YOU want for YOUR family. She is an extension of your family, not the focus.

About babysitting....well...you're kind of using her.....I agree with your husband. Just find a different one. Having her for your babysitter is too unreliable, and most of all, too stressful for you.

In other words, these two things can help you get on with having an independent life. You want her in your life, but as a mom, grandmother and friend, not because you need her as a babysitter. It sounds like the one she really wants to babysit is you.

I found that it takes a few times to state where I am, and not give in. "Mom, that's your choice. Take it or leave it." before they get it, but they will. It's funny when kids have to be the grownups and do tough love on their parents.

__________________
Make someone's heart smile today.

The Really Needy, Special, Networking and Talking Mod

Very true thanks for opening my eyes to this....I in some way am using her but please let me point out this is not a daily or even weekly thing. But we have decide to go with a babysitter that we can set a schedule with, as she had set with us and never stayed with.
I do agree that I must not allow her to manipulate me any longer. It is funny that all of a sudden I will be caught up in her web before I even realize it.
And I have to say I have been really trying to be the grown up. I called her today!

__________________
~~Christina~~
SAHM with a DH, DS(13), DD(5), DS(4), and DD(2)!
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." ~C.S. Lewis~

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My only advice is to remember that you must do what is best for YOUR family...meaning your kids, your hubby, and yourself. My thoughts on things when dealing with my relatives and family members is this:

If it fits into MY family's schedule, we will do it.
If it works for MY family, we will do it.
If it is best for MY family, we will do it.

If not, too bad. If your feelings are hurt by it, I am sorry, but too bad. If you don't like it, too bad.

Don't get me wrong I try to be flexible and understanding where I can, but still MY family comes first.

There have been MANY times when either my family or DH's family doesn't agree with what we do or doesn't like what we do or don't do...but DH and I hold firm. I have a great relationship with my Mom and Dad and DH has a great relationship with his parents. But there have been times where I have had to yell at my Mom and even hang up on her to get a point across. And there have been a few times where I have had to yell at DH's Mom for things too. Yes, their feelings got hurt and it made things really uncomfortable for awhile. But when it comes to the emotional, physical or spiritual safety and well being of MY family...I won't budge and they have to respect that. So do what you need to do for YOUR family.

I also get wrapped up in what's happening with them too, but I try to remember that MY family comes first. That helps me to keep perspective and to not get so wrapped up in their issues. And this is your Mom's issue, not yours.

So get another babysitter and don't call her. Let her call you. You don't need the headache. You can still be a good daughter without letting her drag you into her drama.

Sandra

It really sounds like your mom uses the babysitting to manipulate you in the same way my dad does things. I do a favor for you so you are beholden to me.....forever....

He always brings up the littlest things he's done for us and holds it over our heads, like we should be forever grateful. I honestly turn things down, especially anything that takes money (trust me, it's rarely over $100 spent on any item) because we never hear the end of it.

Dunno what is worse -- outright manipulation, where you can stand up and counter it, or the passive aggression, where you feel guilty, or more likely, they make you feel guilty. It also sounds like she may be a little lonely and using that as a stronghold, too. It's not your fault if she's lonely. She chose her home and path. Just try to treat her as YOU want to treat her. Just talking it out with us probably helps you prepare.

__________________
Make someone's heart smile today.

The Really Needy, Special, Networking and Talking Mod

I have to say after posting this and reading what you wonderful women have wrote it has given me a breath of understanding, knowledge.....DH says stand strong. And I know it is what I must do I just hate to see my children be put in the middle by her. I do my best to guard them against her antics, it is not easy to explain to a 4yr old why GM doesn't want them over(not that I say that to him) I just say oh GM is busy today honey.....and I tell ya he looks at me like YEAH RIGHT. I know it is me reading way to much into the insight of a 4 year old then again????

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR INSIGHT should I say EXPERIENCE!

__________________
~~Christina~~
SAHM with a DH, DS(13), DD(5), DS(4), and DD(2)!
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." ~C.S. Lewis~

Are you sure you are not my SIL? She deals with exactly the same thing. And I mean EXACTLY the same thing. I am so sorry you both have to deal with it. I think the only thing that has helped her is what the strong women here have written. I really like the thought that people only have control over us when we give it to them. Even emotionally. Big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! I know how hurtful it is. But, you aren't alone! My Mom and Dad don't babysit. Never have. My son is 15 and daughter is 3, never have they babysat them. If I recall correctly, the one time I asked my Mom to watch my kids so we could go to a funeral, her response was, "You chose to have them, they are your responisibility, I have raised my children." Nice, huh? My Mom is the type that nothing is ever good enough, things always look bad and I am looking out for myself. Dad is pretty much, whatever, he doesn't want to rock the boat. All we can do is pray for God to open their eyes and soften their hearts!! Good luck!