Another- would you punish this?

momma_bear · **Another- would you punish this?**

Here's a the story. My dd who is in first grade and is 6 loves to play with another girl from her class that lives just down the street. Her friend has a little brother that is 18 months old. The friends mom has a philosophy that if the girls can play there but HAVE to include little brother. Her house her rules no problem. Well the girls were playing in the basement toyroom with little brother and no adults downstairs. Somehow little brother gets hurt and is crying. Girls go upstairs to get parents. Parents go down and little brother is screaming and won't stand or walk but everything looks okay. They ask the girls what happened and both said "I don't know". Parents rush little brother to ER (it's a Saturday afternoon of course) and leave girls with mom's sister who is visiting. While parents are gone girls tell aunt if little brother has a broken foot it's their fault because they were shutting the door and his foot might have been in the way. They aren't really sure. Parents get home it's not broken and hear aunt tell girls story. Then send my dd home saying not to come back for 1 week. I call to find out what happened cuz my dd version wasn't the clearest. Mom tells me above story and then says that the girls are punished for lying and saying I don't know. Plus then the parents look bad to doctor because they didn't really know what happened. Now the girls are only punished from eachother. Her dd can still do things with others just not my dd.

Thoughts?????

Doula-Mom · 10-13-2006, 10:18 AM

Well, my first thought is that forcing 6 year olds to include an 18 month old is just setting them up for trouble, especially since an 18 month old should not be without adult supervision for any length of time (I'm sure we've all seen what an 18 month old can get into if given half a chance, lol). I don't think the discipline is very useful for teaching the point, but perhaps you should just have the little girl over to your house from now on...

kwilbanks · 10-13-2006, 10:24 AM

I have a child from both ages groups in this story and this is my thought , first of all a 6year old isnt a babysitter ! Kinda sounds like this mom wanted me time and seen a chance with making the girls have the baby down with them. second it isnt fair to the little girl , this is her friend and her time to have interaction with a child her own age. I will say the girls should have told what they thought happen , but it sounds to me that they was scared to tell , I think it goes deeper as why they was scared to tell ! I would talk with dd and find out whats up with that . and i agree with maybe having this girl over at your house from this point on .

Starlite · 10-13-2006, 10:26 AM

Well, I may get flamed for this, but I hate the rule that when kids have a guest over, the siblings MUST be included in their playtime. If a guest is a friend of only one of the children, then the guest shouldn't be forced to play with the sibling. If the sibling is mature enough to play with his brother/sister and their guest and they all get along, then that's fine; however, it should be by choice, not by force. Some kids aren't mature enough to play with their siblings, especially in this case. There's a huge maturity gap between 18 months and 6 years. IMO, it seems like mom wants a break from watching her kids, so she pawns the little one off on her dd and your dd, thus making him their responsibility, one they are not old enough to handle. So that's one strike.

The second problem I have is that all the children were apparently not being watched by an adult. Granted, my dd will have a friend over and they go in her bedroom to play, and yes, they are out of my line of vision, but I periodically go back there and check on them. Also, they are not allowed to shut the bedroom door. If they go outside to play then I am either outside with them or inside at the window watching them all the time. My child and her guest are my responsibility and I'm going to do all I can to keep them safe. So by the mom not watching the kids, that's strike two.

Strike three comes from the mom having the nerve to blame your dd for her ds being injured. Perhaps they did cause the injury, BUT 6-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE SOLEY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL-BEING OF AN 18 MONTH OLD (and yes, I'm yelling in frustration

). The mom should have been watching the children or at least have them out in a more open area so she could periodically check on them. Kinda hard to watch kids when they're secluded in the basement.

JMO, it's moms fault, but she's trying to blame her lack of responsibility on others. Your dd should realize that it was wrong to hurt the little boy and then lie about it and should probably apologize to the boy and the mom, but that should be it. If it was me, I'd be finding my dd some new friends with responsible parents.

hawkshoe · 10-13-2006, 10:27 AM

I agree that 6 yo's shouldn't be responsible for an 18 month old. Still, from what you told us, it does appear that the girls were trying to cover things up. Therefore I do understand punishing. However, I would not restrict the punishment to only your daughter, I think if she was going to punish it should be no playdates with anyone for a day or two at the most.

Monica · 10-13-2006, 10:28 AM

The actual punishment seems odd, but saying they did not know what happened is certainly a lie. My kid would have been grounded from quite a lot more than just the one friend. Had they told the truth from the beginning, then no punishment would be warranted.

Monica · 10-13-2006, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlite

Well, I may get flamed for this, but I hate the rule that when kids have a guest over, the siblings MUST be included in their playtime. If a guest is a friend of only one of the children, then the guest shouldn't be forced to play with the sibling. If the sibling is mature enough to play with his brother/sister and their guest and they all get along, then that's fine; however, it should be by choice, not by force. Some kids aren't mature enough to play with their siblings, especially in this case. There's a huge maturity gap between 18 months and 6 years. IMO, it seems like mom wants a break from watching her kids, so she pawns the little one off on her dd and your dd, thus making him their responsibility, one they are not old enough to handle. So that's one strike.

The second problem I have is that all the children were apparently not being watched by an adult. Granted, my dd will have a friend over and they go in her bedroom to play, and yes, they are out of my line of vision, but I periodically go back there and check on them. Also, they are not allowed to shut the bedroom door. If they go outside to play then I am either outside with them or inside at the window watching them all the time. My child and her guest are my responsibility and I'm going to do all I can to keep them safe. So by the mom not watching the kids, that's strike two.

Strike three comes from the mom having the nerve to blame your dd for her ds being injured. Perhaps they did cause the injury, BUT 6-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE SOLEY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL-BEING OF AN 18 MONTH OLD (and yes, I'm yelling in frustration

). The mom should have been watching the children or at least have them out in a more open area so she could periodically check on them. Kinda hard to watch kids when they're secluded in the basement.

JMO, it's moms fault, but she's trying to blame her lack of responsibility on others. Your dd should realize that it was wrong to hurt the little boy and then lie about it and should probably apologize to the boy and the mom, but that should be it. If it was me, I'd be finding my dd some new friends with responsible parents.

What post did you read? I thought the girls were in trouble for lying, as they well should be.

momma_bear · 10-13-2006, 10:55 AM

I agree with Starlite on all 3 strikes. I have 4 kids but only 1 girl. If my dd has another girl over I don't make her include the boys if they don't want to. And on the flip side my 9 yo ds has friends over I don't make him include his sister if he doesn't want too. My other 2 are 3 and 4 so don't have friends over or play with older siblings friends really either. The only exception is if they are outside they may all play together if they want.

I also don't think that 6 yo should watch and be responsible for an 18 month old. If an adult would have been there it may not have happened or at least then they'd know the whole story

I know they are being punished for lying but I don't know that my 6 yo had ever been in this situation. When she got home I explained it was important to tell the whole story all the time and by not telling the whole story it was lying. I did not punish her at home but said if she didn't tell the whole story next time I would punish her. If possible I give a warning before punishment.

I'm not real anxious to resume the play dates so we'll see what happens.

Starlite · 10-13-2006, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monica

What post did you read? I thought the girls were in trouble for lying, as they well should be.

I read the original post.

Yes, the kids accidently shut the door on the kids foot and yes they should have been up front about it; however, at this age, kids get things mixed up easily. Even my 7-year-old gets confused trying to relay something to me. The huge issue with me is WHY WASN'T THE MOTHER WATCHING THE CHILDREN? Why were they secluded in an area (the basement) where she cannot see them? Why is she forcing the 18 month old on her dd and the friend? You cannot trust 6-year-olds to babysit 18-month-old children. They're not responsible enough. Perhaps if the mother had been doing her job and <gasp> watching her children, then this wouldn't have happened.

This whole thing sends up warning flags about that woman's parenting.

Another thing -- I'm one of those funky moms who likes to meet the parents before I leave my child at someone else's home. When I return to the home to pick up my child, I would like the same set of parents (or at least one of them) to be there. If my child had been left with an adult other than the parents and if I had not previously met that person, I would have been furious about my child being left in the care of an adult that I had not met. I hope momma_bear had been previously given the opportunity to meet the mom's sister.

stacia · 10-13-2006, 11:09 AM

I agree with Starlite. When my dd's friends come over they have girl time and I try to keep Jared occupied so they can have their fun.