what would you do?

Kimberley · **what would you do?**

ok, so my bil is 14, and he likes to come out and help dh around the yard, well if he comes out, he is suipposed to sleep over, since its a 20 minute drive to take him home. anyways, three times now, he has flipped out before bedtime that he couldn't stay and he had to go home, he was homesick, he wants to go see his mom, and talking to her on the phone doesn't help. well tonight his mom my mil, siad she couldn't come get him becuase she was just getting into bed, so he asks my dh to take him home, dh says fine. my problem is, that we can't afford to take him home, its a almost 1/4 tank of gas to go there and back, not to mention a 40 mintue round trip. this kid is 14 fro crying out loud, and he can't stand one night away from his mother? and there are 4 kids in the family, i personally think he does this to get attention from everyone because when it happens everyone says "poor jeff" and he gets attentions for it. he is the second youngest in the family and his sister has this condition that is perfectly fine as long as she is medicated, but she is treated like an invalid, i mean they still spoon feed her for most of her meal and she is 7. i know bil has lost alot of attention becuase of this, but hey, deal with it. its just so frustrating that he says he is gonna stay the night and then at around 10 he crys to go home. and makes himself physically sick. i told dh tonight after he got back that this is the end of it, he is not gonna come out here with intentions of sleeping over and his mother had better be prepared to come and get him because we are no longer going to drive him home.he can come out as long as he knows his mom will come and get him. it just really irritates me because he is 14, my 5 year old can go away from home for a week before she gets home sick for me. its frustrating especially since we cannot afford the gas to take him home. what would you do? would you continue to take him home, continue to let him come out with intentions of staying over? what would you do in this situation? i am tempted to tell him to suck it up already.

blessed_with_6 · 10-14-2006, 10:56 PM

I might take him home this time, but after that, firm rules would be set. "You come out, you STAY. Otherwise, you don't come out." It may sound mean, but I think that is the only way you will get anywhere with this...for WHATEVER reasons he is doing it! I do not blame you one bit for being frustrated, either.

JeannetteDavis · 10-14-2006, 10:59 PM

I think that it is probably a cry for attention, as you mentioned, so I would let him know the ground rules from here on out. If he comes out, he has to have a pre-arranged ride home or stay the night. You will NOT be taking him home anymore under any circumstances. If he gets sick (from being upset), let him know that he may sleep with a trash can by his head if he needs to, but you are not taking him home.

Then do what you can to make him feel a bit special since that is what he is really needing. Maybe popcorn or some other small, but fun, thing that will let him know that you are happy to have his company.

desertmom · **sleeping over**

Some kids just have issues. That's the way it is and it must be worked around. Frankly, I'm surprised that you all keep trying. I would do what you're doing: it's great, come on over, you're more than welcome. Stay for dinner. Tell your mom to pick you up at 8pm. If he says he wants to stay, then it has to be arranged a week ahead of time to provide build up (and time to back out), but once committed to, no backing out. OR, wait until he's 16 and can drive himself home!:D I agree, he needs attention. My feeling is you're right; just soften up the approach a little. No poor baby, though. Just matter of factly. I can only imagine the havoc it plays on your own kids. That must be a little scary. I know it's not your place, but maybe your husbands, to see if the kid needs further help...It's been recognized that children in families with Special Needs kids all need a bit of therapy. The parents do, too, along with a support system to help the other kids.

aliadam · 10-15-2006, 12:51 PM

Is he like that everywhere or just your house?? I've never known a 14 yr old that was that wierd about spending the night. So if he's that way everywhere, I'd just plan ahead for him to go home before bed. But if he's only like that at your house, then I'd look into why he's not comfortable staying there. But just on a side note....we take our kids places 20 mins away all the time. THat doesn't really seem like that far of a drive to me...especially if he's been helping your dh work. JMO

Kimberley · 10-15-2006, 01:21 PM

he is like that everywhere except at his moms and at his dads. and 20 minutes each way is almost a1/4 tank of gas, and not something we can afford when that tank of gas has to last all week. or else it wouldn't be a big deal, and we don't ask him to come out, he wants to, he offers as it gives him something to do. normally i wouldn't really mind it, but at 10 at night, its kinda irritating.

mommy&wifeisme · 10-15-2006, 02:15 PM

Hmmm! I personally wouldn't fault the boy for not feeling comfortable staying the night. But I would make sure if you went to get him, his mother comes to pick him up, or vice versa. Maybe his coming to help is that attention he needs. Maybe you could find another way to spend time with him.

CelticFaerie · 10-15-2006, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessed_with_6

I might take him home this time, but after that, firm rules would be set. "You come out, you STAY. Otherwise, you don't come out." It may sound mean, but I think that is the only way you will get anywhere with this...for WHATEVER reasons he is doing it! I do not blame you one bit for being frustrated, either.

I totally agree with you. Also, It is a power thing he is 14. He wants attention and is manipulative. If he is anything like my dd 14 they think the world revolves around them and that gas is free. If he doesn't want to stay and his mom won't pick him up then he stays home. Your husband need to tell him that.