Does anyone have any suggestions to get my parents and in-laws to accept one another? They are civil when in each others presence but, I have heard both sides tell me how they don't see eye to eye with the other. It is all jealousy since we had children. They fight over which set of g-parents that the kids "like" more. They are flustered when the kids are spending time with the other set. It drives me crazy. Birthdays are hard because you can tell that each is keeping tabs on which grandparent the kids are spending more time with. I truly wish they would grow up. I almost want to have a family meeting and tell them that but, I am afraid that it would only cause more grief. I dream of having both sets come for family dinners and gatherings and holidays, and it not be a major cause of stress for me. What am I to do? Do you all think that maybe I am asking too much for them to get along? One other point of interest my family spends lots of time with the kids, make it a point to see them at least once a week, watching them when we have to go out, it is the only place that my kids have ever spent the night, and talk to them daily etc and they live 40min away. My inlaws on the other hand live 5 mins away and can go months without seeing or talking to the kids. They rarely call or come over, this makes me upset also they are missing out bonding opportunities that they could be having with the kids. But, at the same time they are jealous because my kids have a better relationship with my parents. And my parents are jealous if my kids talk to my inlaws.

Any suggestions would be great.

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Alaska-mama-of-2

Proud mama to a 5 year old DD and a 2 year old DS


I’ve been SWAK’d!

sorry this may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds like you could be feeding into both of their fears(for lack of a better word). my mom is 5 min away also and always watches kids if we need her to, but she does not come over weekly or call daily out of respect for our privacy. she also has her own life. since you show a slight irritation with them for not coming over when you think they should they might not want to come over if your dh isn't there. my MIL has never been over here unless my dh is here. I don't know why because I have invited her personally. perhaps your parents are more at ease with children in general and that could be the bigger influence. I think you should talk to your parents and tell them how it makes you feel, but don't mention you dh's parents. This is about how you parents act. Your dh should talk to his parents and have the same conversation you have with yours, not bringing your parents into it. It could be just how different the families are. some families are more affectionate than others. my own GM (dad's side) never hugged me, she wasn't the touchy feely type.
I'm not sure you yourself has accepted your IL's so I wouldn't expect your own parents to either. after all they are protecting their baby(you) from people you yourself don't seem comfortable with. I don't compare my kids relationship with either of their grandparents. I might be more concerned if dh's parents favored another kids, but that doesn't seem the issue.
It first has to be something that you and dh both agree on. Does your dh think it's an issue like you do? or does he think you are over reacting? You didn't mention how your dh feels about it?
I really do understand your situation because I think I was there at some time, but I realized the problem came from me more than from the grandparents. Once I realized what I was doing (unknowingly) I was able to stop being judgemental as to my MIL's approach to grandparenting. also I was holding onto hurt feelings caused by what I thought was insensitivity by my MIL. also because MIL didn't appear to "help" us when we needed it my dh tended to rely on my mom without asking, knowing she would not say no, which also caused issues.

allgirls

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allgirls, mom to 3 girls

It's Girl Scout Cookie Time

I agree with talking to your parents and having your dh talk to his. If it really is a problem, explain how it makes you feel and how they are setting a bad example for your kids by not accepting eachother. Maybe if they see how their actions can/do influence your children, they might try harder to at least get along. That's all.
-C.

What are they doing or saying specifically that makes you feel you need to say something? How do they act 'jealous'? At this point, I probably wouldn't say anything, I guess I would wonder, what would you say?

Do you encourage your inlaws to come over or take the kids there? Invite them along for ice cream or dinner? You know nothing is ever equal in life, but it doesn't make it bad necessarily. I had two sets of grandparents growing up and we were close to both of them and we only saw them a few times a year. My inlaws spend more time with my kids than my own parents. My own parents used to live in town, and even when they did, my inlaws spent more time with my kids. That doesn't mean my own parents don't love my kids, it's just there are a lot of different factors - one main one being my parents are a good 10 years older than my MIL and my MIL is a very high energy person and my mother, is not. I never compare them, my kids love the both of them.

I know for me, I take on the responsibility of keeping in touch with not only my family but DH's family too. I'm the one that sends out all the birthday and anniversary cards. I'm the one that buys all the gifts all year round for birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, new babies etc I'm also the one that updates my inlaws when they're not in town, letting them know what's going on with the kids lives, send pictures etc I do the same for my own parents but you know, they never even reply to my emails. LOL It's just the way they are, they're not demonstrative. Maybe you could do that for your inlaws, send them emails or heck, send them photos in the mail or drop them by "I thought you'd love this picture!".

I guess for me, I would try to focus on the positive and BE positive instead of bringing up the negative.

I agree with allgirls and oregano. I probably wouldn't neccesarily confront them as I think that might just make them more aware of it. So I would continue to invite both sets, and if they choose to sit around and pout and count minutes spent with each set, then that's their problem. The only thing I would advise is perhaps inviting your dh's family to be more involved. I think lots of times the dh's parents may want to help, but don't want to step on the dil's toes. So actually ASK them to babysit instead of asking your parents. Or ASK them to go with you somewhere with the kids. They may be wanting to see the kids more but waiting for an invitation. My inlaws NEVER asked to have my kids come over or came to our house to see our kids, but they loved it when we'd take them there for a few hours and I'm sure they loved them (they're deceased now), but they just waited for US to make the moves. HTH

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I think it is very common that the woman's parents are more involved than the mans. I get along great with my inlaws and have had many conversations with my mil. She confided in me that she isn't as comfortable at her dil's homes as she is at her daughters. I think she is most comfortable at mine of all the dils. Partially it is because I call her and make plans to get together at least once a month. I often have her overnight or meet her to do something with the boys. Due to dh's schedule he is often not there.

I would suggest that you have a conversation with your parents regarding their actions. As for the inlaws. Why not try to get together with them more often. I really think it is up to you to make them feel comfortable if you can.

Personally, I have no problems with my inlaws and my mom getting along. I can honestly say I've never heard either parties say a bad word about the other party. About the only time they are together is for birthday parties and the birth of the kids.

But it happens with dh's grandmother. She badmouths the inlaws of her kids. But she has issues anyway! She thinks all that matters is HER side and as a wife, you put everyone on the back burner but your dh and his mother. THis has caused many fights in the past. SHe's as nice as can be to their faces though. You can't tell her any different. She just has to be mad at someone every minute of the day. Sometimes it's them, sometimes it's us, sometimes it's her own kids.

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Devin

David 6, Alexis 2

I have very similar issues with my parents and in-laws except that my in-laws live five hours and not five minutes away. Our most recent disagreement was due to the fact that they wanted our 3 year old to go to their house for the weekend and we felt he wasn't ready yet. But yes, we get complaints from both sides about how much time we let the other set of grandparents see the kids. My parents do almost all of the babysitting because they live 20 minutes away. Because we live so far from my in-laws, we usually try to bend over backwards to let them see our kids when they're in town, even if it means that we have to stiff my parents a little bit. We can't win either way and it gets very tiring trying to make sure everything is "even." Holidays can be (and have been) hellish experiences (even before we had kids actually) - although we're trying to assert ourselves more when it comes to that issue (i.e. carving out time for us as a family first and then making time for our extended family).

My parents and in-laws also don't see eye-to-eye on many things - religion, politics, childrearing. Family get togethers where both sets of grandparents are present are polite but nothing more. My mom pretty much told me not to expect things to improve. They are different people from different backgrounds and have only been brought together because they happen to be "related" now. I've given up trying to plan many get togethers that include both sides of the family unless it involves someone's birthday. On holidays we usually see both sides of the family at separate times. That's just the way it is.

The biggest lesson my husband and I are having to learn is not to let them make us feel guilty. We do what is best for our kids which means that we take care of our family first and let the chips fall as they may. I'm sure I haven't seen the last of the hurt feelings, but I guess it's something we'll have to learn how to deal with.

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Stephanie
Mom to: Caleb (8-27-2003), Ian (9-28-2005), & Baby Boy #3 (EDD 11-9-2008)