Ok, to try to make a long story short. when my furst husband and I got divorced we basically split everything 50/50, even the time with the kids.

We rotated every couple of days for the first year, which was horrible for them. Then we argued who would keep them monday through Friday and who would have them on the weekends. He got "our house" and I had moved into my Dad's house (empty, dad lives in CA), and there wasn't anything I could do legally to have them at my house since everything was filed "rotating" and they were attending the schools zoned from my ex's house (but I could still get them there) . Hope you are following me....

I ended up "giving in" to make things better for my children and letting them stay there M-F and I had them every weekend. They needed structure and stability, and I thought I was doing what was best for them.

Boy was I wrong, but to get it reversed was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took me two years to get it reversed, but now I have primary care and they are with me full time and my ex has them every other weekend, and one week a month for school (which I was not happy about, but it was that or go in front of a judge, and he was finally agreeing to me being the primary parent).

Now, yesterday I get this email...that he wants to change things....aarrrggghhhh!!!!

He is getting remarried...so he wants weekends changed...and his week that he has them in March changed...basically he wants them the entire week of spring break, because they are getting married the weekend after spring break.

Part of me wants to be a B**** and stick to the new agreement, which is filed through the courts....but the other part of me wants to be nice...because you never know when I might need to change things.

I just get so tired of being the nice one. I always respect the time they are with him. I never ask to get them extra, and he is always calling me on "my weekends" asking to take them for a few hours.

what do I do??? I am sure there is more, but this is long enough already. Thanks for listening if you have made it this far.

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Stacey

“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." ~ Euripides

I should probably add that he is a very selfish, controling and maniputating person. Which is why I always "give in" to him. He has a way to make me do things.

I am much better about standing up for myself. shoot I finally had the strength to fight him legally.

I didn't want anyone thinking that I just let him have the kids because I didn't want them. that was the hardest thing I ever had to decide to do. and in the end I just kept telling myself that I had to do what was right for them.

Of course it is all better now that I have primary care. But is was very hard to go through what I did.

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Stacey

“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." ~ Euripides

oooo so sorry you are having such difficulties with your ex. It always seems weird to me that we've already admitted (by divorcing them) we can't work with these people and then somehow we're supposed to be able to compromise and work out arrangements amicably. Duh - he's the same butthole he was when I divorced him! sorry - got off on my own rant and rave there but just so you know that you are not alone.

I don't know what you should do. My first inclination would be to work with him as much as possible. I think what you really need to think about is what is best for the kids. Take yourself out of the equation, take butthole out and take the agreement out. Focus only for a moment on what would be the BEST thing for the kids. If they are in school - are they old enough to discuss some of this and have some say in the decisions?

My DS is 9 and we do ask his opinion sometimes of where he would like to spend time. Can't always do that but it gives him a little bit of control and he knows that both mom and dad care about what he wants. Honestly I think that your kids are VERY lucky to have a dad that wants to spend time with them and wants to include them in his life. Good luck with your decision.

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Better to give your kids the values you have
than the valuables you can't afford.

thanks Lou. You are right, and I will do what is best for them, like I always do. that just means that I give in to him yet again. That is what gets me so upset.

And I know that I am lucky that he wants to be involved. But where was all this involvement when we were married???

I honestly didn't think that I would have to make the decisions that I made when I decided to leave. I didn't think he would ever fight me for the kids, since he was never around anyway.

sometimes, I think he fights just to make my life miserable...which I know is not necessarily true, but it just feels that way sometimes.

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Stacey

“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." ~ Euripides

I read yourpost and the thing that struck me the most was that your kids dont seem to have a say. are they very young? I would ask them, let them decide too, and go by their decisions too.

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We buy things we dont need,
with money we dont have,
in order to impress people
we dont like?
(Ramsey, D)

You sound like you are still in A LOT of pain over the relationship. I'm so sorry that you have been hurt for so long in your life like this - no one deserves that kind of pain. I do encourage you to work through the pain somehow - through counseling, spiritually, journalling, whatever works for you. The anger and hurt really does just eat away at you and in the end, doesn't hurt him at all but can destroy you. ((HUGS))

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Better to give your kids the values you have
than the valuables you can't afford.

It's obvious that you have been thinking of your children first all along. No matter what they might say or do to the contrary, they know deep down that you are doing what's best for them. I've seen kids with divorced parents manipulate their parents individually, to get what they want. (Learning to manipulate is a part of growing up.) So, don't take it to heart if they seem unappreciative or like they want to be with their father more. If they haven't realized what you've done for them yet, they will someday. (They also remember that he wasn't around when they were younger.)

I wonder why on earth would he want them a full week, off from school, right before he gets married again? I can't imagine it would be good for him, or his wife-to-be, to have them 24/7 during such a crazy time. Does he want them to get to know step-mom-to-be? I would, as suggested already, ask your kids if they want to spend spring break with daddy and his fiancee. I'd leave the decision up to them. If your decision is questioned somewhere down the line, you did what was best for the children by honoring their wishes on changing/not changing the week in March. I think it would be very interesting if they go, because step-mom-to-be is going to be wigging the week before her wedding, will need lots of support from your ex, and he will be trying to please her and spend lots of time with the kids. I'll bet the two of them have already had arguments about this!

I'm so sorry you have this difficult on-going situation. Keep making decisions from your heart, and try not to worry if it's what the ex wants or not. Hang in there!

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

They are 14 and 11 now. But this all started Dec of 2001 when they were 9 and 6.

I previously avoided putting them in the middle, because I didn't think it was fair to them, to have to choose. they do love being with me But they also love spending time with their father. so, it is hard to ask them what they want, because they want both. IMO it is too hard for them to make these decisions, that is what we are for. They get upset, when they feel like they are caught in the middle.

In the end, I will do what is best for them. And what they want. I know they will want to be at the wedding and I know they won't mind that the weekends are "out of wack".

My point initially, was that I just hate having to deal with him. Just when I think the hard parts are over and we are finally getting somewhere, he throws something else at me.
that was my intent with this thread.....dealing with my ex.

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Stacey

“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man." ~ Euripides

I can't even imagine how hard it is. Heck, I hate dealing with my grandson's other grandparents (we share custody) and we don't even have the history you and your ex do!!! It must be extremely frustrating!

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~Happiness is a large family~

OMG!! Would I love to talk to you, Ive been (and am) going through almost the same identical thing. My 2 kids from my ex are 11 and 14 also. We should get together and trade notes. Seriously.

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