Staying for the sake of the children

northernmama · **Staying for the sake of the children**

are any of you, or do you know someone in this sort of situation ? no abuse involved, just 2 parents who don't see eye-to-eye.

lovindj25 · 01-06-2007, 09:13 AM

i was in this situation....i stayed together with his father for my sons sake....after a year i just couldnt take it...we seem to get along better(not allll the time) but for the most part. its harder on my son having to go between the both of us but i think in the long run it was better for all three of us.

Bucsnpats · 01-06-2007, 09:20 AM

Yes, I did this myself. Basically, found out my ex-husband had a girlfriend on the side...stayed for the kids sake for about a year and a half...then I was strong enough to decide that it wasn't fair to me to live like that any more and left. He was also draining me emotionally, consitantly making me feel worthless.

Another big part of my decision to leave, was that my parents DID stay together for the kids and when my little sister was 18 my Dad left and they got a divorce. I think that was way harder on me than if they had just spiit up years ago. Because I grew up in a house with zero affection and love. We knew they didn't get along, and the divorce wasn't a huge surprise, but devastating none the less.

mhender · 01-06-2007, 09:40 AM

Yes, a girl I know is in this situation. They say terrible, horrible things about each other, but neither want to sell their expensive house, because they know that neither can afford it alone. Valuing your home over your kids is insane. I wonder how much damage they are causing the kids...

stacia · 01-06-2007, 10:14 AM

My grandparents did this, everyone knew, they lived 2 seperate lives, had seperate bedrooms and everything but in their day divorce was taboo. My mom has been married several times. I really don't think staying together in an unhappy situation is good for the kids. They pick up on all the tension and have to deal with it anyway, why not be happy? When you are happy they can be happy.

2littleladies · 01-06-2007, 10:20 AM

I think my mom is doing this. My father remains unaware of my mothers unhappiness and low self esteem but I think my mom stayed becuase she didnt want us kids to not have a father. And I think she is still doing this even now , and we are all long out of the house. she said something a few days ago about not wanting to be the one who breaks up the family. I think its crazy , if she isnt happy I want her to move on. She said something about wanting my girls to have a nana and a papa. I would rather they have a happy nana. Papa will move on . I know he wants to move around a lot and my mom keeps him here so I know that He wouldnt be around if they split but I can live with that. I love my dad but he is selfish and rude.

crazykelly · 01-06-2007, 07:43 PM

my parents did this and then divorced when i was 23. let me tell you "staying together" for the sake of the kids is a bunch of baloney if you ask me! what favor would a couple be doing for their kids by staying together and being miserable?

enduring a divorce from a kid point of view but older (again i was 23) didnt make it any easier - in fact my mom put me front and center of it, making me her confidant, dragging me to the lawyer appointments and giving me a front row view of the ugliness of it all.

i would beg anyone who is remotely thinking of staying together for the kids to snap out of it and first try counseling - if that doesnt work or help, split up and keep it civil.

Cookie2 · 01-06-2007, 08:04 PM

I've never been divorced but I have been married for 22 years so I figure I can throw in my two cents here. I once heard that the only good reasons to divorce are: addiction, adultry and abuse. In my marriage I have witnessed all of those problems and I'm still married. I'm not a doormat, nor am I unhappy. Far from it! My husband is a wonderful spouse and father. Our marriage has survived through good times, really awful times and some periods which were just 'so-so'. Yes, we have gone through periods where we didn't see 'eye-to-eye'. I always tell newlyweds that love isn't enough. There were times when I didn't feel loving toward hubby and we had to find a way back.

I also believe that a marriage isn't a piece of paper. I believe it is a third-entity; your first child. A marriage is a living breathing entity that needs to be nourished and pampered just like a child does. And both 'parents' of that child need to give it 100% of their attention. There is no 50/50 in a marriage.

Since there is no abuse (nor any of the other 3-As, I hope), and I'm going to assume children are involved, I offer the following advice ...

1) Divorce isn't urgent so you might as well take a year to prepare. Divorce is financially devasting to everyone involved. In the next year, do everything you can to erase your debts, build up savings, and prepare yourself for bringing in a good income. If your husband won't help you to erase the debts, at least start establishing credit in your own name. You may even decide to take yourself off the credit cards that you share with hubby. Those credit card companies can still come after you, but you'll have an easier time of proving that you shouldn't be liable for his share. If you come into money that is clearly your own (gifts from your family or an inheritance just in your name), definately keep that in a separate account. If you need to go back to school to get a good job, do that now and let hubby pay for part of your education. Plus he'll be around to take care of the kids. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is try to work, get an education AND deal with the emotionally difficulties in a divorce all at the same time.

2) For the next year, live like you're already divorced - without the dating, of course. You won't want to date within the first year of being separated anyway. You don't have to tell hubby you're living like you're divorced, just slowly change the way you do things. If you wear your hair a certain way because that is the way hubby likes it, change it. If you aren't working now, start (even with child support, you are expected to support yourself AND you will need health insurance). Besides the kids might as well get used to being in daycare. Take time for yourself on the weekends because, you know, those are the weekends when hubby will have his visitation. On alternate weekends, spend time with just you and the kids. Hubby won't be there to 'help'. As a matter of fact, he won't be there during the week either. STOP doing hubby's laundry (if you do) because you won't be doing it after you're divorced. However, when it comes to killing a spider or repairing something around the house, he won't be there for those things either, so find a way to accomplish them without his help. And lastly, this year and next, recalculate your income taxes as though you were divorced (child support isn't taxed but alimony is). If there is more than one child, usually you let hubby take one of the kids as a deduction and you take at least one. If there is only one child, some people alternate the deduction. While you're at it, you might as well consult an attorney to see what you can reasonably expect in terms of child support. You might as well make up a budget based on just your income and a bit of child support and try to live in it. What are the going rents in the area? If you want to stay in the house, can you afford the mortgage/ insurance / taxes on your own?

3) Give your marriage a chance. Find a Marriage Encounter or Retroville weekend (there are websites) and go with your hubby. Consider talk therapy. If hubby won't go, you go on your own. If you have your eye on someone else, STOP seeing that person and cut them completely out of your life. Re-dedicate yourself to being the best mommy you can be and put every effort into being a good wife even if your husband isn't being a good husband (yes, at the same time live like you are divorced - I know it sounds contrary.) Remember, if you're having arguments with your hubby now, they will NOT stop just because you get divorced. Quite the opposite! A divorce will only give you more things to argue about.

Lastly, DO NOT get divorced until all your children are over the age of 5. Having preschool children, infants and toddlers is very stressful to a marriage. Sometimes it isn't your husband, it's the kids! As they get older, sometimes it gets easier and you have more time for yourself AND your marriage.

If after a full year you decide that a divorce is still a good idea, go ahead.

heather61172 · 01-06-2007, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cookie2

I've never been divorced but I have been married for 22 years so I figure I can throw in my two cents here. I once heard that the only good reasons to divorce are: addiction, adultry and abuse. In my marriage I have witnessed all of those problems and I'm still married. I'm not a doormat, nor am I unhappy. Far from it! My husband is a wonderful spouse and father. Our marriage has survived through good times, really awful times and some periods which were just 'so-so'. Yes, we have gone through periods where we didn't see 'eye-to-eye'. I always tell newlyweds that love isn't enough. There were times when I didn't feel loving toward hubby and we had to find a way back.

I also believe that a marriage isn't a piece of paper. I believe it is a third-entity; your first child. A marriage is a living breathing entity that needs to be nourished and pampered just like a child does. And both 'parents' of that child need to give it 100% of their attention. There is no 50/50 in a marriage.

Since there is no abuse (nor any of the other 3-As, I hope), and I'm going to assume children are involved, I offer the following advice ...

1) Divorce isn't urgent so you might as well take a year to prepare. Divorce is financially devasting to everyone involved. In the next year, do everything you can to erase your debts, build up savings, and prepare yourself for bringing in a good income. If your husband won't help you to erase the debts, at least start establishing credit in your own name. You may even decide to take yourself off the credit cards that you share with hubby. Those credit card companies can still come after you, but you'll have an easier time of proving that you shouldn't be liable for his share. If you come into money that is clearly your own (gifts from your family or an inheritance just in your name), definately keep that in a separate account. If you need to go back to school to get a good job, do that now and let hubby pay for part of your education. Plus he'll be around to take care of the kids. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is try to work, get an education AND deal with the emotionally difficulties in a divorce all at the same time.

2) For the next year, live like you're already divorced - without the dating, of course. You won't want to date within the first year of being separated anyway. You don't have to tell hubby you're living like you're divorced, just slowly change the way you do things. If you wear your hair a certain way because that is the way hubby likes it, change it. If you aren't working now, start (even with child support, you are expected to support yourself AND you will need health insurance). Besides the kids might as well get used to being in daycare. Take time for yourself on the weekends because, you know, those are the weekends when hubby will have his visitation. On alternate weekends, spend time with just you and the kids. Hubby won't be there to 'help'. As a matter of fact, he won't be there during the week either. STOP doing hubby's laundry (if you do) because you won't be doing it after you're divorced. However, when it comes to killing a spider or repairing something around the house, he won't be there for those things either, so find a way to accomplish them without his help. And lastly, this year and next, recalculate your income taxes as though you were divorced (child support isn't taxed but alimony is). If there is more than one child, usually you let hubby take one of the kids as a deduction and you take at least one. If there is only one child, some people alternate the deduction. While you're at it, you might as well consult an attorney to see what you can reasonably expect in terms of child support. You might as well make up a budget based on just your income and a bit of child support and try to live in it. What are the going rents in the area? If you want to stay in the house, can you afford the mortgage/ insurance / taxes on your own?

3) Give your marriage a chance. Find a Marriage Encounter or Retroville weekend (there are websites) and go with your hubby. Consider talk therapy. If hubby won't go, you go on your own. If you have your eye on someone else, STOP seeing that person and cut them completely out of your life. Re-dedicate yourself to being the best mommy you can be and put every effort into being a good wife even if your husband isn't being a good husband (yes, at the same time live like you are divorced - I know it sounds contrary.) Remember, if you're having arguments with your hubby now, they will NOT stop just because you get divorced. Quite the opposite! A divorce will only give you more things to argue about.

Lastly, DO NOT get divorced until all your children are over the age of 5. Having preschool children, infants and toddlers is very stressful to a marriage. Sometimes it isn't your husband, it's the kids! As they get older, sometimes it gets easier and you have more time for yourself AND your marriage.

If after a full year you decide that a divorce is still a good idea, go ahead.

\

Wow...for someone who has been married for so long...you sure have but some serious thought into this. You have definately brought across some great pointers. I have beeen married for 10.5 years...together 15 years. My marriage has indured many of the feelings you mentioned above also. I don't stay in the marriage because of the kids. The fact that we have three children makes me try harder to make things work. I honestly can't say wether we would or would not be together if we didn't have kids.

diamondgrl1177 · 01-07-2007, 08:27 PM

I would say whole heartedly, right now I'm staying for the kids and financially I can't do it. (debt and cc). We're just room mates, we don't even sleep in the same bed and it's only been 5 years of marriage. This has been going on for almost 3 years. It goes is waves, but its worse more then it's better. I know it will happen, just when I'm ready. We don't talk, theres no effort on his part for me, no extra help around the house. Nothing, so I've been doing what I need to do. I have my own bank account and actually have money in there and have 500 cash in my drawer. One CC paid off and 2 more to go, after that I'm removing his name from the accounts. It's like we're living divorced, I'm working from home and on the weekends too. I just feel like a failure, but I can honestly say that I've tried and he puts no effort to it.

Also, I don't want to have to put my kids in daycare and I know he'll get NASTY, and I mean NASTY, so I've even backed off from things I tell him. Money, if my parents give me money, I don't tell him, it goes in my stash. I need to take care of myself for once and set a good example for my kids!!!!!Hugs Hugs