I am at the end of my rope with this child--now that dh is home with us it has gotten worse. She steals things from kids at school and I find them and she lies. She lied to hin yesterday and said I was lying that her Grammy gave her that stuff this weekend. She wasn't even at their house!!! I check her pockets and bag every day before and after school cause this has been a problem before. She plays this whining thing with dh and he said I don't know whos lying you or her. HELLO!!! I guess he wants her to grow up and be her mom stealing and lying all the time. She knows now she can play this against us and get whatever she wants. Yes even at 6 she knows. If I say anything to her she cringes and starts whispering and acts like shes been beat. But dh's sister says she does the same to her to get the grandparents to jump her. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am just the live in babysitter even though I have been her primary caretaker for the past 3 yrs.

__________________

Wow! This is going to be almost impossible to fix if everyone doesn't get on the same page. Why on earth would your dh say he didn't know who was lying...OMG This child has way to much power and control over things. I guess that would have to be the first place I would start...with a huge sit down discussion with your dh. When you both decide that this is really going to get ugly when she is older and has to be stopped right this minute, then I would lay down some rules and punishments for breaking them. Anytime I found an item that was not hers in her possession, I would send her to her room and not let her out until she told you the truth about where it came from, even if that includes eating her meals alone. I would take any and all priviledges away and make her earn them back one by one. She needs to know that she is the child and you are the parent and that she can never play one of you against the other.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds so very stressful. Big hugs and lots of luck to you straightening it out.

__________________
The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

Does your child's teacher know that she's stealing things from kids at school? If not, I'd get the teacher involved. This may be something that she might need some social skills lessons on, many times the school psychologist/social worker might be able to do something with her whole class or with a small group. Kids are so into "its all about me", they don't realize that their actions effect others. She's taking things to fill some kind of need, might be wanting to make friends and is having difficulty so she wants "things" to help bridge the gap, might be just wanting attention, might be that she knows she's getting between you and her dad and she "wins" with dad. I'd definitely get the teacher/school involved, if nothing else they may give you some new strategies to try to modify this behavior. Another option which has happened at our school with a child who was chronically stealing from others was we had the DARE officer (police officer who come in to teach the class about stranger danger/safety, etc) talk to the child and tell them what will happen to them if they get caught stealing. A little scare factor might wake her up to, especially if it's coming from someone who might hold a little more weight with her on this topic than mom & dad. You don't want her to be freaked out, she is only 6, but she might think more seriously about it if it comes from the police.

Also, if your daughter knows that people at school know this is going on she might be less likely to do it.

Hang in there!

You need to talk to your dh. HE needs to be the primary one to dol out the punishment(his daughter, right?) and YOU need to be in the support role other wise you end up looking like the wicked step mother. You both need to lay down the rules and enforce them. Be consistant. It is really hard to be consistant but you need to stick to it. NEVER threaten anything that you aren't willing to go through with, once the punishment is said you have to go through with it or she gets away with it. She needs to understand that you and your dh are a team, that what you say is what he say and what he says is what you say.
You might want to start out by talking with your dh before you deside on a punishment- then have him tell her what it is(it has to be "this is what WE desided" not "this is what your mother desided")
Another thing to do while working through the punishment- tell her Thank you. Not for the bad stuff she is doing, but when you notice something like she clears her dishes or picks up her room tell her Thank you and find ways to tell her that she is special. Maybe she has a beautiful smile, or something like that. It's important to keep a balance between the negitive(punishment for bad behavior) and the positive. Help her to learn a new hobby like crochet, or drawing or baking. Bond with her. 6 year olds still need all the attention that babies need, they just don't want to admit it because they think they are "big". Just give her a big hug and tell her you love her.
I'll stop rambling right now. I've been having trouble with my ds(he's 6) so these are some of the thoughts and solutions I've had.
Good Luck!!!
-C.

I don't have stepdaughters but I do have daughters and a dh who would make the stupidest comments and then would give them some horrific punishment and would go on his merry way. Totally clueless
I never undermined his decisions but have learned to grab him before he can open his mouth when he is mad and mad make some unrealistic punishment!
What I do now is discuss it with him as soon as possible and we decide together what the punishment will be.
This works so much better but even when he would be on his own I always supported him because you have to show the kids an united front or they gotta ya!
Talk to dh about it when your both calm and agree on some punishments that you both can live with and that you can do when he isn't there during the day. But NEVER let there be a disagreement in front of her!
Good Luck

__________________
Karen

I didn't realise that she was your step daughter when I read your post. So I have to revise my answer somewhat. I agree that the punishments have to come from your dh and not you. That said, he does need to make it clear that the two of you are on the same page.

You mentioned in your post that this is something her mother did too? Does she still have contact with her mom. Does her mom know about this situation? It seems like a loud cry for attention. It still needs to be punished. I also thought that contacting the school councler was a good suggestion.

__________________
The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

Yikes...

Well, have you talked to her ped or a psychologist or counselor about why she might be doing this in the first place? That might help...

Good luck!

Her real mom sees her 3 hrs supervised every 2 weeks when she comes. She lost custody for having her lie and say she was molested by literally the whole family and she would take her and collect money for some disease house to house!!!!! She has no say so in raising her. I have been with dh since she was 10 months and for the past 3 years I have been her sole caregiver--he worked different hours and only saw her maybe 10 minutes a day. My dh's parents had her most the time before that and think she belongs to them--another story--but she has been allowed to run show for so long. Not sure how to do things. Somedays I don't want a hug I resent her and I hate that she is a child but my feeling get hurt really bad and I just want this to stop.

__________________