Spinoff from parenting alone thread, what are our issues

[annemc]

Now that those of who parent alone weather because we actually do dur to divorce, seperation, or because our DH is away most of the week have listed themselves.. I thought we might list what are our greatest issues with having to parent this way.

Maybe if we list them, then we could see if any of us have any ideas how to tackle them?

How about if I start and then others can add their list to mine and we could start a brainstorm and support iidea thread?

If you think that might work here is mine

1. Guilt of being the parent who is the diciplinarian all the time and I dont feel I can let up most of the times

2. Finance worries (but there are lots of ideas on the board that might help)

3.Time management, when your trying to work outside the home and still do family life

4, How do you manage to keep the other parent in the life of the family when they are either absent or perhaps very tired when they come home from long distant trips or work

5. How do you fit in a social life for yourself in all this

Just a few ideas for openers

Anne

[lamby248]

This is a good post, Anne. I'm glad you brought these up.


I would say these are my concerns..

1. Financial... I just don't make enough money is all..even if I got rid of sattelite, internet, phone, what other luxuries are out there all together.. still not enough.
2. Time... I work fulltime so I am up at 5-6 am and on the go until 6 pm. I feel like I never have time to do anything.. when I get home, I NEVER want to clean up or laundry or anything.. it is a big chore for me to do these things.
3. Being the disciplinarian. The ex is NOT a dicliplinary at all, let's the kids get away with stuff all the time. when I have to discipline or make them do chores.. I feel bad/guilty about it. I also am told by my kids that I treat them like servants..
4. I worry about my kids and what effect my ex is having on them...whether they will see him for what he is or be conned by him like so many other people are. I also am concerned for their safety, but I think that is just my mommy vibes coming out.

I'm sure there is more, but those are the top ones.

[annemc]

on the time management thing do you think Fly lady would help you. She does me I know you can get swamped in emails but you take what you can do as a guide line.

Ive learned the hard way worrying about the effect your DH is having on your childen is a real energy drainer and seems to give you a permanent headache with no way round it, except you keeping your own standards up and know that since they see you the most its most likely your values they will get.

On the dicipline area and re the children telling your you treat them like servants thats a childs rant even in a two parent family Can you leave them a simple chore list to do, age appropriate and if they dont then no treats and no pocket money. This works Chez moi!!!

maybe other readers or lurkers might have more suggestions

Anne

[lamby248]

I have tried the Fly Lady route, and it just is sooo overwhelming for me. I think my problem is will power here. During the day, at work, I can think of 100 different things I want to get done or should get done, in the evening, but when I get home, almost none of them get done. I've made schedules, planned out dinners, chores, etc...and it never seems to work out the way I plan. I end up yelling at the kids or just doing stuff myself. They want to go outside and play and me go with them. OY! It's tough,

[annemc]

Gosh we have to be sisters

Thats exactly how I feel, by the time I get through my outsided the home working day, deal with school issues (and I feel I have to be a part of the Parent End of the School) and or come home and deal with the boys just as a Mom Im just too wrecked sometimes to be the domestic goddess Id like to be.


Flyladys llists can be overwheleming Ill agree but I just delete those I cant handle and even if I just get two or three things done I wont beat mystelf up over it.

Can you share out any chores with your children that might lighten your load a little.

As mine got older they would have one two or three small things to do in the day that was there responsibility. Simple things like setting the table for the next meal, ro setting the table for breakfast the night before, making their own lunches, or packing their own school bags?

Even a little help gives you a lift and a little boost to get on with the next job


Just a thought

Anne

[Lou]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamby248 I think my problem is will power here. During the day, at work, I can think of 100 different things I want to get done or should get done, in the evening, but when I get home, almost none of them get done. I've made schedules, planned out dinners, chores, etc...and it never seems to work out the way I plan. I end up yelling at the kids or just doing stuff myself. They want to go outside and play and me go with them. OY! It's tough,

I feel this way too. Seems like when I'm at work I'm thinking about all the things I need to be doing at home but when I'm home I'm just tired and want to rest or want to play with my son. Then stuff just doesn't get done and our house turns into a pigsty in just a few days! Don't have any remedies for this problem but you are definetely not alone.

[NORAH'SMOM]

I am a single parent by choice (by the way any more of us out there) and I have to say you hit the top "single parent concerns" on my list as well - money - time (for my daughter as well as myself) - too much to do - guilt yada yada yada!
One thing I have found helpful is to keep a running to do list in a spiral notebook of both large and small items (vac. car, grocery shop, pick up drycleaning, cut grass and so on) broken down by week then as time allows I complete an item - it give me a feeling of accomplishment to see things crossed off a list so I put even small things on it - anything not done move to the next week that helps keep me organized but time is still an issue so I have developed a routine - every night after baby is in bed I take 30min to put all dishes in the dishwasher or wash them - prep lunches for myself and baby - hang up clothes or put in hamper -put away toys from family area - 30 min is a small bit of time but if it is uninterupted you can get a lot done. Errands are run in a circular pattern and I try to make it fun for my daughter by playing as we go (she loves grocery cart derby). I am lucky in that I work 3 12-14hr shifts as a nurse weekly so I have 2 week days off 1 I spend running errands, cutting grass, going to appointments - the other I spend half the day "doing stuff" laundry, cooking, ironing etc. and half with my daughter so that helps with the time issue. Guilt - I have been working on letting things go (who cares if the house is not perfectly clean - my daughter will grow up knowing time with her was more important than a clean house - I do worry that she will be sad/worried/angry about not having a daddy around and that causes a lot of guilt but I have thought a lot about it and hopefully I and our family/friends will be enough. Personal time is the only thing I have not started working on - as usual mom gets put on the back burner - but to be fair I have to say I enjoy the time with my daughter as much as she does. The support you have all shown to one another is great!

[reidsmom]

First off..................Love the single mother topics. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in feeling like I'm at my wits end! The biggest worry for me is that I feel like I have 0 down time. I'm working ALOT just to get to my next paycheck and it's aged me 20 years. My son started Kindergarden this year, and WOW...I did not expect this much work. So, I now have to fit in daily activities at home(even though we always did our own...these are just now assigned and I have all these due dates. I feel like I'm a chicken with my head cut off most of the time. I have found a calming in the fact that my house is just going to be messy...not dirty, but cluttery. Everyone in my family knows not to just "drop" in on us. They must call first so I can clean up a bit So, great topic...I need advice too!