I have been trying to come up with ways to curb my children's fighting. They are 9 and 5. One of the things I keep hearing about is to just let them fight it out. DO NOT get involved. I am always involved, because they run to me tattling all the time. But I read that if you let them sort it out themselves, it is better for them in the long run. They will learn how to handle things themselves, and then they will not argue as much. What do you all think? Do you let your kids fight it out? ( I don't mean physical fighting, just the arguments LOL)

If it is just arguments, I would let them sort it out themselves.

__________________
~Happiness is a large family~

Well what I did was not take sides or try to "figure it out", but I also didn't just let them "fight it out". I would tell them that if they were fighting and bothering me then they BOTH had to go to their rooms. So whether or not they were getting along at least I had peace and quiet. Plus it forced them to learn how to work it out. If they were getting angry then they knew if they started fighting they'd end up in their rooms. Eventually they learned to get along better. HTH

__________________

I'm not a fan of "let them fight it out". There's a big age difference and maturity level here. They need to be taught how to successfully negotiate it and not always have it left to the bigger whiner or the one who can punch harder. Teach them how to work it out. Ask questions, and teach them to ask questions. They can even turn it into a courtroom. Swear to tell the truth, .... who knows, playing judge and jury may keep them quiet for awhile.

JMHO

__________________
Make someone's heart smile today.

Would you like to join our Mommysavers' Holiday Ornament/Decoration Swap? Details and signup:
http://mommysavers.com/boards/chit-c...p-sign-up.html

Hurry! Deadline is Near way before Santa comes!

You have to remember, before DD we raised four kids who were very close in age. There was a lot of sibling fighting back then. We had certain rules - no physical fighting, no loud yelling, no slamming doors, no destroying things, etc - but otherwise they had to work it out on their own.

We had one kid was particularly good at getting the other kids to explode. Then that kid would play 'innocent' as they were nothing more than a victim at the wrong place at the wrong time. That kid got a lot of mileage out of that technique. I learned it wasn't good for me to get involved because the kid who looks to be picked on is sometimes the one who started the fight.

But I can also only take so much, especially when I can hear they aren't fighting fair. It is my responsibility to teach my kids how to be good at verbal arguments and I DO want my child to be able to stand their ground. Most of all, I want them to be able to negotiate. So, there usually got a point where I had to tell them, "Either you settle it or I will." They knew my settlement won't be EITHER of their favors so they were highly motivated to work it out on their own.

So, that's my advice. Make it NOT to their advantage to take the problem to you. If you have to work it out, then neither one of them gets what they want. The 9-yr old will quickly learn that it will be to his/her benefit to take care of the younger one so everyone ends up happy.

__________________
"I've been rich and I've been poor but independently wealthy is where it is at."

I knew you all would have great advice! Thanks ladies!

Mine are closer in age so I let them solve it themselves. If they come to mom for help depending on the fight I will punish both or take away a toy for one week or negoiate a solution. It really varies but if they come to me for help they know the penalties will be steep if that is what I deem. It allows them to try and work it out but if they can't they know when to seek outside help. I make the possible punishments steep b/c they usually just don't want to give in and this way they see if they worked it out themselves they would be better off. there are times when I am so done with the fighting that they don't even get a chance to figure it out. that happens when they seem to fight all the time. then they have to be quiet for at least 15 minutes. I rarely have to do this.

allgirls

__________________
allgirls, mom to 3 girls

For my SANITY, a lot of times I do not let them fight it out. I do, however, use a reverse psychology thing where I make them stick to each other like glue if they fight too much! They have to go to the bathroom together (one can stand by the door to wait on the other), eat by each other, sleep in the same room, sit by each other in the car, watch tv together, do chores together, etc. It has only taken me doing that once or twice...and REALLY sticking to it, to make them stop fussing at each other as soon as I clear my throat..most days! LOL

__________________

My mom says I should make them hug each other for 5 minutes! When they are arguing, that would be like torture!! LOL But the fighting is driving me crazy. And not knowing who started it makes it hard to punish one or the other. So I am going to try all the things posted here, and see what works for mine. Thank you all!

This is an issue that drives me nuts, too! I once read about a mom who made her kids each wash a side of a glass front door simultaneously, so they were working together and ended up laughing at each other and forgetting about the argument. Never tried it, but sounds like it could work!