My ds who is nearly 9 has terrible manners and I am completely at my wits end about how to deal with them.

He is not defiant and doesn't do it on purpose but he 'forgets' every time.

We have been working with him on his manner since he was 1 and he still acts like a toddler.

These are the things he does.
Never says thank-you or please (even though we won't pass him something until he does and when around others are constantly saying 'what do you say?')

Stuffs his mouth full off food.

Chews with his mouth open. I got so fed up with it one night I told him I'd throw his dinner out if I caught him one more time. He did and I did and it made us both miserable.

Doesn't look people in the eye or answer their questions ~ yet he isn't shy. He just sort of grunts when they say hi.

He interrupts all the time even though we teach him to come stand beside us and touch our arm to get our attention. He'll just start talking the the middle of our conversations.

I don't feel like these expectations are too high for a 9 year old (correct me if I'm wrong ~ his sister who is two years younger does it with no problem)
We'd like him to.
Say please and thank-you.
Answer people when they talk to him.
Try to look them in the eye (I know this one is hard).
Eat without stuffing his mouth.
Chew with his lips closed (or at least not wide open and smacking).

So far to try and handle it (it's not working)

He is not allowed to go to a friends to eat unless he can get through a whole meal without being reminded about stuffing or chewing (hasn't happened yet).

We take dinner away from him after two warnings.

We ignore him and pretend we didn't hear when he 'forgets' to say please.

I have no idea what to do when he doesn't say thank-you. I often feel like giving the gift or item back but that would embarrass the giver more than him.

We role play situations before people come so he knows what to say. Then when the person arrives and says, "Hi, How's school, what grade are you in now?" He'll grunt and then interrupt 2 min later to tell me something about the plot of the book he is reading.

I have taken $1 away from him every time he 'forgets' but that just seems to make him depressed but doesn't change the behavior.

I am so frustrated and embarrassed over his behavior. Bad manners come from bad parenting ~ or at least that's what I and everyone I know believe. So now I feel like a bad parent. I am absolutely irate this morning. It's a good thing he's at school. I need some time to cool down and some advice.

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GOSH! You just described my DD!

She is not shy but always takes a while to "warm up" to people and won't talk to them until she feels comfortable and then she won't stop talking. We remind her constantly to not smack her food, not interuppt, say your pleases and thank yous....and we have to do it OVER & OVER again. She is 8.
My DS on the other hand who is 12, has had awsome manners and says pleases and thank yous, is still sometimes a little shy at first when around people, but always says hi, and answers their questions.
So I can't say that it's bad parenting, although, my DD is so much more strong willed than my DS, and likes to do what she wants, so she has to be reminded all the time of these things. She is the type of personality that wants it "her way!" and DS is the pleaser...

I think personality has a lot more to do with it then bad parenting, although I feel your pain becasue it's really embarassing in front of other people, and makes you feel like a bad parent.

I can only hope one day that all of our constant reminding will stick with her....!

Bren

Forgive me if I am wrong, but doesn't your son have some sort of learning disability? Could this be related? I really have no idea what you should do? Just know that not everything your child does is a reflection of your parenting. I know that is hard to believe sometimes, but you have to believe it. I know I learned it the hard way!!!

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~Happiness is a large family~

Yes he has developmental co-ordiantion disorder (which makes him really clumsy, not able to print, tie his shoes, run properly etc) and learning disabilities in math and spelling. But other than those issues he is really bright so in this case I don't think the manners and his other issues are related. I don't mind at all that you asked.

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Have you sat him down to have a face to face discussion with him about all of these issues and why they are so important to him and others? Not at the time when you are miffed at him, but at a time when you would both be calm enough to not get emotional. I have done this with my kids since they were really young so that they comprehend that it is not just some crazy, out-of-nowhere rule that I have. Manners are a very high priority for me, so I know what you mean.

All my kids are really great with their manners except that Carson (almost 7) has only recently started beating his lazy habit of chewing with his mouth open. We were on him ALL the time about it. He was just being lazy. I think that is what is going on with your son.....laziness....which is a bit defiant, too. It doesn't matter to him, so he doesn't care to do it.

Carson finally realized how horrible it was when we told him all the reasons why it is important and gave him a dose of his own medicine by all of us smacking our food one night at the table so he could experience it from our point of view. He has made a conscious effort ever since.

Maybe you should start tackling one or two issues at a time, too, so that he isn't overwhelmed with each correction. Maybe start with please/thank you, for instance, since those are situations that come up repeatedly each day with other people.

I know that you are not horrible parents, so don't look at it that way.....although I know it is easy to do. Just chip away at it and stay on top of it. It will finally click with him.

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Oh, I like Jeannette's advice!!! I would go with that!

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~Happiness is a large family~