Discussion Starter

How do you know if your marriage is over?? Would you be able to "read the signs"??

If you are just going throught the motions, taking each other for granted, being taken advantage of, afraid to split because of the children or because of money....

What would you do if you felt 100% that your marriage was over??

Start figuring out a divorce, stay together anyway....

At what point do you make YOURSELF happy???

What would be the final straw to ending your marriage??

An affair, disrespct, abuse....

I am certainly NOT promoting divorce here. But I do find it VERY sad that so many couples are living unhappily.

My point here is to help....to help someone read the signs....and maybe just maybe....fix it before it is too late.

What sacrifices would you make to restore your marriage??

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I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. ~ Frances Moore Lappe

Well, I am fortunate that I am in a very happy marriage and I have never been divorced, but my dh has and he said the sure sign for him was the money issues that his ex had and the fact that six months into the marriage (it was a four year marriage), the sex just ended - obviously no children. He described her as a roommate who slept in the same bed, but never had any form of intimacy with - not for his lack of trying, I am sure!

However, HE did not believe in divorce and stayed. They went to therapy, she tried to commit suicide, she ended up having some pretty serious mental health issues unrelated to the marriage that he tried to help her with and he was miserable. Everybody that knew him then comments on that compared to now. He made a lot of sacrifices. He describes his 20s as just being horrible and wasted. He also suspected her of cheating, but could never prove it. The only reason he got divorced was that she filed! He said he was getting to that point, but it would have probably been another year or so. His priest even was preparing him for divorce and sort of encouraging it.

For me, in a hypothetical world, if my marriage was 100% over, I would, of course, get divorced. I would try everything to restore my marriage, but if it is 100% over, there doesn't seem to be anything to restore.

I think abuse, habitual cheating/lying, abuse of the kids, all of those are reasons I would leave.

Thankfully, dh and I are very happy. I know his experiences help make him appreciate me and our marriage a lot more. It was hard, but it made him stronger and a better man. I am just sorry he had to experience so much pain early in his life.

It does sadden me immensely to hear about the unhappy people here and in my life who just "put up with it". I would try very hard to change it through therapy or other ways, but that is just me.

For me I just wasn't happy. There were alot of things. No attention or affection to me. No Sex. Just everything else seemed more important than me. Why should I live like that. I deserve to be happy too. I tried to hang on, make it work, make him happy so that he would try to make me happy, and it didn't work. I felt more like a housekeeper and roommate than anything. It just seemed there was no respect. I know it sound selfish, but I wanted that husband and wife relationship and it's not there.
Plus, there was alot of issues with is hobby, that seemed to take priority over me. He said he loved me and wanted it to work, time after time, and it just went back to the same thing again. Also too he was on alot of pain meds for his back, but like I've always aid, his back and everything didn't hurt bad enough for him to work on the race car. Basically mine ended because I wasn't happy. I had everything I wanted, 2 heathly beautiful kids, nice house, stayed home with the kids, but as far as our relationship there wasn't anything there. Plus, it really took a toll on my self esteem, and that's still really shot.
Honestly, we get along better now, because we just have the connection for the kids. It's hard sometimes not to want to hug him or kiss him., but I have to remember the bigger pictures, and that I want to be happy more then not, and that's how my life was, he just wasn't making me happy. I just wanted the little things, floweres once in a while, a card, email, rub my feet. everything else just seemed more important to him.
I'm alot happier now, I know what direction I'm going. I never thought that I'd be divorced or a single mom. But I'm doing it. And I'm okay. In fact I'm happy. As hard as it is, I'm happy. The tension and stress of walking on egg shells just isn't there. That alone is a relief.

Thank you to both of you for contributing!

I am NOW happily married and I am very fortunate for my husband and my wonderful children.

However, my first marriage was not so great. I too had a VERY selfish spouse. I saw signs after about a year, but chose to ignore them for 8 more years, until I finally had enough.

The first time that I didn't know where he was at 3am, I tracked him down, with the baby in the car with me...and left a note on his car "the next time I don't know where you are at 3am, I am NOT going to be home when you get there".

Well, guess what, it happened again....and I was still there when he got home. And it happened again, and again, and again. You get the picture. Eight years later, after being there for him while he worked and went to school and pretty much always had the kids by myself, I caught him "red handed" as they say. Well almost.

It was Thanksgiving Day 1999 and my phone rang, a friend of mine that also worked with my husband was calling to say that there were several rumors going around that my husband was having an affair with one of the other waitresses.

Ok. Fast forward to Christmas, a cousin of mine was killed in a car accident in Connecticut, so I decided to fly my mother up for the funeral; she was to return on Dec 30th around midnight. No problem, my husband could pick her up right after work, since he was a waiter and worked that late anyway. He calls me, says he is on his way to the airport, about 5 min. from the restaurant. 30 minutes after that my mom is calling wondering where he is. I try to call his cell phone and I can’t get through, but I can tell that he is on the other line. Finally, it does this weird call-waiting where I can hear him but he can’t hear me, and I can hear that he is talking to someone else, but I can’t hear them either. I know it is “her”. I confront him, he denies it.

The very next day, the cell phone bill comes in the mail and I look through it, which I have never done before, but felt I had to. Guess what, there is a number that is all over the bill that I do not recognize, so I pick up the phone and start to call it. He pulls the phone out of my hands and says “I have to tell you something”.

I was devastated, I tried counseling, but he wouldn’t go, it was my problem not his.

I finally got up the courage to leave, I tried to stay for the kids, but I was miserable, and that certainly wasn’t doing them any good. I asked him at one point why he did what he did, and his response “I just figured I could do whatever I wanted, and you loved me enough to always be there”.

Basically he took me for granted all those years. Once I made that threat once and didn't follow through with it the next time....he knew he could do whatever he wanted and I would "always be there".

Needless to say, when I did finally get strong enough to stand up for myself. He was shocked!! He really didn't think that I would ever leave.

Mine was a classic case of "you don't know what you have until it is GONE". ETA: Meaning he didn't know what he had until I was gone.

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I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. ~ Frances Moore Lappe

In my situation, there was alot of mental and emotional abuse from my ex. He is passive aggressive. I could see signs after about 1-1/2 years when I had my ds. He was never home, only for sex, not even after the ds was born.. in fact it got worse. He also screwed around on me at that time. That isn't what broke us up, though, it hurt me to no end, I am sure there where others that I didn't know about, in fact, a couple people have told me things after I filed for divorce. He would name call, he was mean to my ds, and when I had dd, he wasn't even around hardly at all. He wouldn't support us as a family, going from part time job to job, while I worked full time & more. I tried everything I could think of to try. We tried counseling 4-5 different times with different people all resulting in the same thing, he just wouldn't work at the relationship. It got to the point, where I didn't want to work at it either.. I was so tired and worn out emotionally. I lost a lot of weight, was always exhausted. I tried talking to him about it, and actually saying I want a divorce because of it, but he wouldn't listen. When I did get the courage to file, he did a 360 turn around which I knew was just for show.. but he sweet talked me and EVERYONE was against me getting a divorce, so I ended up staying for another year. Of course, as soon as I moved back, everything went back to the way it was, nothing changed. So I got up the courage again to actually go through with it and not let people try to make decisions for me. It is a hard, hard decision to make, and I struggle constantly, but I am truly happier than if I would've stayed. Even if I never get married again, I am still happier than being married to him. I don' t think he ever really cared much for me.. We are civil with each other, just like we were when we were married, but we sure don't get along at all. He very selfish in that he didn't care whether I was happy or not, only as long as he could do whatever he wanted. I have never wanted to kiss or hug him.. YUCK! I've thought long and hard about it over the last few years, like why didn't he care or like me? Did I make the right decision by leaving and splitting our family up? Why can't he see the way he treated us? After much thought and prayer about it, I have come to terms with the divorce, I do really think it was the right thing to do. We just couldn't/wouldn't get along.. and that made it hard on the kids.

I don't think that he has totally accepted the fact that we are not together any more though and it's been almost 4 years. He hasn't changed at all, still treats me the same. He's one that instead of learning from his mistakes he's made, he just gets mad and makes worse choices.

We're like oil and water.. totally opposites. I think he is the one that is saying "don't know what you got,till it's gone" which is unfortunate.

First I want to start out by saying, that DH and I used the be "The Couple". Everyone looked up to our marriage, etc...now I don't know what's happening.

Here's what makes this difficult....he's not disrespecting me, he doesn't yell at me, he doesn't go to the bar, he isn't cheating on me, he isn't abusive. We just simply don't connect anymore. Sometimes I feel like we're on a rollercoaster ride. Some weeks are good, others are like..."who is this person next to me?" We don't have the same interests in music, hobbies, etc. He seems uninterested in nearly everything I have to say. He's so monotone unless he's doing something he really wants to do. We're under financial stress because we're trying to get out of debt. Sometimes I feel that if I don't talk and open up a conversation that we wouldn't talk at all. I'm expected to be interested in everything he has to say, but he doesn't show much interest in what I have to say. I don't know what to do. I don't like to be blah and feel blah, etc. I do feel like we're just "going thru the motions" I keep telling him to find someone that will better suit him, and he rolls his eyes at me. I'm not going to be responsible for his unhappiness.

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Why treat someone like a priority when all they see you as is an option?

I thought I knew who I married.

I thought I married a kind generous and loving man that was devoted to family - about 1 year after our daughter was born he began to change moody, verbally abusive, jealous, suspicious and stingy with "his money."

I was ordered back to work after she was weaned from the breast, I tried to call his bluff but when the lights and phone were shut off I decided to suck it up and get a job. Just when I couldn't take it anymore he was sent Iraq for the first Gulf War.

When he returned things seem to have fallen in place for us - I thought we were going to be ok, sometimes it takes an event like that to make you realize blah blah blah....

Our son was conceived within 2 months of his return, immediately after I got home from the hospital he resumed his crap - this time it was worse. The explosive temper escalated to throwing things and pushing me. I was ordered back to work this time 6 weeks post partum.

I tried several times to leave him - he always stopped me by buillying me. His threats all revolved around the kids - he was not going to allow me to have them. This from the man who refused to contribute any of his money towards the household... the same man who could count on one hand the amount of hours he spent with his children in a week. He "kidnapped" them one weekend - we had a huge fight before I left for work. Since he never watched them I dropped them off at my foster mothers house whenever I had to work. He went there after I was at work picked them up and drove them 375 miles to his mothers house and left them there. I got off work, went to pick them up and found out he had so I went home. It was almost midnight when i got there - and no one was home. It was one of the worst nights of my life. He called it a lesson on why I will never leave him.

The kids got older, I got better at putting up with it. After all I have no family other than my kids, my so called husband did not allow me to have any friends.... I was trapped. The kids threw fits whenever the topic of divorce came up - I just couldn't put them through that. I had decided that he could do anything he wanted to me but he better never abuse the kids.

Eventually they realized what an ass their father was and they told me they wished he would leave. Once he found out they wanted him to go and they were old enough to tell a judge where they wanted to be he left.

How do you know if your marriage is over?? Would you be able to "read the signs"??
Yes i knew but kept hoping it would get better because that was easier than ending it

At what point do you make YOURSELF happy???
Not until I know the kids are happy and well cared for

What would be the final straw to ending your marriage??
Physical abuse to me or any kind of abuse to my kids

What sacrifices would you make to restore your marriage??
I honestly don't know. I gave up anything he required to make him happy - nothing was good enough.