Have any of you started over with nothing and had a child to take care of ?

RMA · 09-30-2007, 09:03 PM

If I didn't have a child this would be a non issue for me. But I have a 7 year old son and I need to put his needs before mine. I have been married to my current husband for almost 15 years. We have been on and off for most of those years. He has turned into a control freak and I cannot take it anymore. I feel like I am walking on eggshells no matter what I do. If I read a book I have to have a beneficial reason to be reading it... What did I do all day..? I need to justify my time to him... The couch where I sit had the cushion kind of tweaked and he lost it. Said that I had to get up right then and there and trade cushions lest the couch be forever damaged..... I could go on but you get the picture. I have worked on this for many years and just when I think we have turned the corner he turns into an a-hole again-and then I am several years older and hating myself. I am 44 now. This is my second marriage. I left the first husband because of cheating issues. All of those kids are now adults thank God. I have one left from this marriage and he lives in fear that we will break up. I hate this. I feel truly stuck. I currently do not have a job outside the home due to daycare issues. I do webdesign and have a soaping business and while they bring in money it is not a steady paycheck. Any jobs that I can find do not work with teh hours that I have or the wages are offset by gas money and childcare expenses. So I make due with cutting back as much as possible and manage to make it work on his salary alone. I know that he resents me for it and manages to get his digs in any way that he can. He also weilds that as some sort of weapon over me by me having to justify what I do all day. I hate living like this. We have been through counseling many times, I have left once, then he decided to get a girlfriend the beginning of this year because I am just so horrible. Being Christian I have tried to work through all of these things but now I am looking at my age and am at the point where I realize that I will be miserable the rest of my life if I continue to live this way. I have no family or friends that I can get help from so I am truly stuck. I just have no clue what to do anymore. We do have good times but then the control freak surfaces and here we are again. I don't trust him at all not to stray again and I can't really do much because he has bugged my computer in the past to keep tabs on what all I was doing on the internet when he wasn't here. Money is the answer to everything it seems but we do not have such luxuries. We barely make it on his income. Have any of you ever left a bad situation o start over without the benefit of help from family or friends? I mean I am sure that people do it all of the time I just am at a loss here especially since I do not want to leave my child. Any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

melsb · 10-01-2007, 01:02 AM

I am so sorry. Are you involved with a church that could help you? Or maybe a women's shelter? Is there anyway you could advance your web design business? Or start working for someone that would allow you to work from home? I wish I could offer something more, your story breaks my heart.

stxmom · 10-01-2007, 08:17 AM

When I left my ex-dh, I walked away with the clothes we had on and nothing else. I had a 3 yr old and a newborn. I had nothing for my 3 yr old and only the things in the diaper bag for the newborn. It was tough in the beginning, I worked 2 jobs for a few years but we survived.

penelope · 10-01-2007, 08:55 AM

It is so hard to give advice when one doesn't really know the situation as good as you do. I have not been in your situation. I did live by myself with 2 kids before, but I was young and on aid. You say you have already tried counseling and that you are a Christian. If you go to church, find someone you trust to talk to your problem about. I think going to one of those Family Life conferences for couples would be very good, even better than counseling. I have head so many wonderful stories of the worst marraiges being helped by those conferences. They are good for people with good marraiges too.
I realize you are probable wanting advice mostly from people who have been divorced before, so I hope you don't mind me giving some advice anyway.
I do understand that some men wont do anything to work on the marraige,and I amso sorry if this is your situation. If you do have to start all over on your own, lean on God and he will get you through it. And I am sure there are lots of ladies here who can give you advice on how to start from nothing.

me and my three sons · 10-01-2007, 09:06 AM

As a single mom raising a son completely on my own it was difficult, but when I came home one evening to see my apartment engulfed in flames, it was terrible. We started over.... with NOthing!!!! We made it work, anytime we were able to buy a little something for the new place it was like christmas, my son was 7 then and is now 16 and although we still shudder at the thoughts of that fateful night, we gained a closeness with God as we watched him peice our life back together, we got through, it was an adventure and through it I met the man of my dreams, which would have not happened had the fire not happened, Be strong, pray, talk to a pastor, and when you make your decision, know that the Lord your God is with you, and will not leave you.

ray:

desertmom · 10-01-2007, 12:14 PM

Contact Legal Aid and see if there's a lawyer who can take your case. He will have to pay alimony and child support, and you are going through mental abuse. You need to be protected legally.:hugs:

RMA · 10-01-2007, 12:28 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and information. It's really hard to be in this situation and I really appreciate all of the helpful insight.

Finalscore2g3b · 10-01-2007, 07:43 PM

Im going through a divorce with a controlling man. He filed. We have a 22 mo. old and a 3 1/2 yo. Ive been a sahm for most of my adult life. He moved me away from my home and my loved ones prior to him filing or me knowing anything. Now, the courts wont let either of us take our kids out of this county. I couldnt get help from family if I wanted it. God looked out for us though, Im recieving enough support to stay home with my babies~barely, but I do. Go to a child support calculator program on the net, be sure to put in your state in the search. That will give you an idea of what youd get in support youd have to add in alimony. No one should be treated poorly and if it isnt changing, you should look at options. Your son is in school so you' only have to pay for after school care if you needed to work. If you file for divorce, try not to work until things are final as you'd get less support. Dont give your power away to anyone, you are wonderful and awsome and dont let your husband tell you otherwise.

RMA · 10-02-2007, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finalscore2g3b

Im going through a divorce with a controlling man. He filed. We have a 22 mo. old and a 3 1/2 yo. Ive been a sahm for most of my adult life. He moved me away from my home and my loved ones prior to him filing or me knowing anything. Now, the courts wont let either of us take our kids out of this county. I couldnt get help from family if I wanted it. God looked out for us though, Im recieving enough support to stay home with my babies~barely, but I do. Go to a child support calculator program on the net, be sure to put in your state in the search. That will give you an idea of what youd get in support youd have to add in alimony. No one should be treated poorly and if it isnt changing, you should look at options. Your son is in school so you' only have to pay for after school care if you needed to work. If you file for divorce, try not to work until things are final as you'd get less support. Dont give your power away to anyone, you are wonderful and awsome and dont let your husband tell you otherwise.

Thank you for that..Things are steadily going downhill fast here. I see the writing on the wall again as this is how it all started last year when he found somebody that made him feel good about himself since I wasn't doing 'my job' in that area. The rollercoaster ride sucks and I want off badly. It kills me to think about what this is going to do to our son. Right now he is at the 'ignoring me' stage of this mess. Yet another way to try to control me. I think this is the part where I am supposed to beg for forgiveness for having the audacity to stand up for myself. Only he labels that as me being 'cocky' with attitude. Whatever... I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I see no middle way.

I found a website that explains his behavior and it makes me sick each time I read it because about 95% of it is dead on him. I would post the link here but the name of the site is not a very nice one. The lady that is behind the site went through this too and has a lot to say about the men that do this.