I was just curious where opinions on spanking go. Do you take the "spare the rod spoil the child" approach? Or do you think spanking is outdated or harmful? Is your opinion on spanking different from your parents?

I have never spanked my children. Which worked well for us because when my daughter went through her hitting phase, I could say, "Do I hit you?" And the answer was no. That worked very well for us. That and my daughter responds very well to losing toys as a punishment.

I know people who spank their children as punishment and truthfully, I don't see a lot of difference in their children and mine.

As a child I was never really spanked ... though my brothers (who were 16 and 18 when I was born) were spanked. I suspect two little boys vs. one little girl - they probably got in a lot more trouble. Not to mention my parents were older and probably a little more relaxed (for lack of better word).

I'm just curious what opinions are out there.

I don't spank...the boys haven't done anything that warranted spanking. I don't know what they would have to do to make me spank them, but it hasn't come up.

We don't spank or slap. Time outs, losing a privilege or special toy for the day has worked for us.

I don't have a problem with spanking. I use it sparingly. I think there is an age in a child's life when spanking gets their attention. I also think there are ages when a child is simply too young or too old to get spanked. I think spanking can be over-used and when it is, it is no longer effective. I don't spank out of anger (even though there are days when the thought has crossed my mind!), because that is just plain ol' hitting. I also don't spank deliberately. In other words, I don't plan out a spanking session. It is a form of punishment that is best served warm.

I'll be specific. When a child is born, developmentally, they don't recognize that their parents and the world are separate entities from themselves. They see the world as integrated with them. In their mind, a simple thought has a cause / effect relationship. In the best of circumstances, they are hungry so they cry which means mommy comes running to feed them. They are masters of their own little universe.

In the preschool years they begin to recognize that they are separate beings. They start playing with their control over mommy and daddy. Some of us recognize this stage as the terrible twos or threes. (Their mental development is only part of the reason for those temper tantrums.) Especially as children learn potty training, how to feed themselves, how to cloth themselves and how to talk, they begin to recognize that they have needs, desires and actions separate from their parents. Unfortunately, they still believe themselves to be masters of their own little universe and they don't realize how much they still need mommy and daddy.

This preschool stage is the time when, I believe, spanking is most effective. I have been known to spank only once or twice to get the child's attention. Usually the child is being grossly defiant and I'll spank them once as a demonstration of "I have punishments you haven't even considered yet!" The desired response from the child is, "Oh! Maybe I should rethink a few things."

Rarely, a child needs to be reminded and I might follow up with one or two additional spankings. However, after three times the message changes and the child isn't rethinking anything. Other punishments or disciplinary measures are needed at that point.

To this day, all I have to do is start the 1-2-3 countdown. Sometimes I don't even have to say "one ...". It is as though DD can see from the look on my face that I'm about to utter the word. She knows to NEVER let me get to "three" NOT because she might be spanked, but because she doesn't know what disciplinary action I might employ next. She has no idea what I'll do except she knows she definately won't like it!

__________________
"I've been rich and I've been poor but independently wealthy is where it is at."

DH and I were taking about this last night.

DH was hits/beaten/abused as a child. When he was older (teen) he and his father would get into fist fights.

I was spanked a total of twice in my life. Once for being defiant and going near the road, once for being defiant and trying to grab something off the stove. I don't remember either time. We had three spanking "offenses" in the house - going near the road, touching the stove, and going near the river (our property was split in half by a fast moving, deep river). My brother was spanked a few times for the road and the river. Oh, and the road we lived on was a 55 mph road where people likes to drag race and do 70+.

I am ok with why I was spanked - a spanking is nothing compared to being creamed by a car, drowning or being severely burned. That said, I'm not sure if I want to spank DD. I think there are other ways of punishment/teaching danger. We'll see. We don't live on a busy road, but I want to instill that roads are dangerous. The stove is obvious too.

I told DH last night that if he ever tries to hit DD out of anger or any reason his dad hit him, he would have to deal with me going crazy on him. I doubt he will, but I can understand that he may not have learned good ways to deal with anger/danger - after all, he had a poor role model. I doubt he will hit though - his father was abusive to his mother, but DH has never even raised his voice to me. If he tried to hit me, he'd be a world of serious hurt (I don't hit either, nor yell at him.)

So I guess I'm indecisive on spanking.

Oh, to me spanking = open hand on clothed butt. NO OTHER way - no closed fist, and no hitting any other body part. DH's brother smacks his kids (not enough to really hurt them to call CPS), and lo and behold, they hit each other and other people. Not cool (and if his brother EVER hits DD, again, they have to deal with me).

I like melsb's reasoning of not spanking = role model for not hitting.

__________________

We don't spank...we don't find it useful.

Cookie, I think you make some valid points. I especially agree with spanking when you are angry (which has crossed my mind once or twice) because that is more hitting. If you do do it, I believe you have to remain calm. And with the attention thing. I do know of a woman that spanked her child when he ran out in the road in front of a car. The car stopped, thankfully, but she was so upset and she wanted her child to understand why you don't run out in the road - which of course she could not explain to him. Therefore she spanked him.

Now I know another woman, that I swear, everytime I turned around she was smacking her kid. And he was pretty little. This was years ago before I had children. We were at a baby shower and he was a toddler reaching for things. I realize that we were at someone else's house and the mother was probably worried that he might break something but it really bugged me. It did make me wonder if she was smacking him like that in public what she did at home. That kid is now almost a teenager and I still remember that baby shower.

I'm going to say no to the spanking. Not that I have never done it. When my ds was in his toddler years and it seemed nothing worked, and I was at my wits end.I did do it.And I feel very bad about that, like I failed at finding the correct way to teach him.. It was my job to be the calm one teach him right and wrong and why we do what we do. Not to just teach him to be scared he may get hit.(by the person who loves him the most) I also think we shouldn't cause pain to the ones we love. It would be hypocritical to hit him when he doesn't do what I want him to. But tell him he can't hit others when they don't do what he wants them to. Make sense.JMO

__________________
"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous

Booker - That is interesting that you mentioned your husband's experience as a child. You'll notice in my OP that I never mentioned my husband. He came from an abusive family - though I think he probably experienced the least amount of abuse. But that was a concern of mine. Once we had children would he revert back to his childhood. My husband remembers very little of his childhood, I believe, he has blocked a lot of it out. I was concerned, with the birth of our children, that some of his memories would start returning. I've read about that happening. Well the memories have yet to return but I do have to say he has been a wonderful father and my concerns with his own upbringing were unfounded! Even in times when our daughter is really kind of pushing us. In my husband's case, and I hope it will be in yours as well, that my husband learned from his parents mistakes.

My husband is VERY anti-abuse. He really gets angry when he hears about different experiences of others.

I am definitely in favor of spanking... it is how God Himself, in the Bible, instructs parents how to discipline their children.

__________________

Trust God. Whatever risk there is in doing so, the risk of not trusting in him is far greater. - Spurgeon