I keep telling myself that too, and my mom tells me that. I guess I just keeping thinking I can "re-train" him, which I know is NOT possible since he's almost 41 years old!!!

Last night was actually a pretty good night. He came home and played with Aidan while I finished up supper, and after we ate, he spent some time with him and even rocked him to sleep! And once Aidan was in bed, I had a couple of errands to run, figuring he'd be in bed when I got home, I took my time, which made it a little after 10 when I got home. But he was still up, he stayed up to "help me get the things out of the car". Then we sat on the front porch and just talked, like chit-chat talk until almost 11:30!! And he's NEVER up that late, he's usually in bed by 9, since he gets up at 4am for work. Needless to say, I was a little on the surprised side. He's got pretty good instinct about when something is bothering me, so maybe it told him something was up. I don't know.

But it was good to just sit and talk. We talked about my grandma moving down here this weekend, and how he got into hunting, which I never knew, and how I was in the room when my dad died, which he never knew.

Now, if I can just get him to mow the back yard....

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Alicia

Mommy to Aidan 10-21-05 and Rori 7-3-07

Sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. It's good that your dh could sense that something was bothering you. My dh seems to have cycles....he'll behave himself for awhile and then it's back to the same old bs. He'll do real well and help out by doing laundry and spending alot of time with the kids for a week or so and then the next week or so it's the total opposite. He stated to me at ds's one baseball game the other week that he felt bad for watching TV and not working w/ our ds on throwing and catching as much this summer as he had the previous summer. I told him "no one makes you sit on your fat ass and watch tv you know!" Ever since then he's been more child oriented. Sometimes they need the truth shoved in their face and then once in rare moment they may "get it" w/o being told. Try and work things out, but perhaps you guys need a middle person ...aka counsler to offer some guidance. Good luck to you!

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WAHM to Richie, Becca & Ryan!

I'm glad to hear you had such a good night with him helping and the great convo!

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Mom to Kaylee (10/2006)
Waiting on our second bundle of joy to arrive January 2009!

I don't work out of the home. And for that reason DH thinks the housework is "MY" job. He doesn't help & like you I have accepted that. If the house becomes really messy he will "help", if you want to call it that. He throws a little tissy & starts throwing things around & cleaning very noisily. Like last week & then while I was doing dishes he wanted to get all touchy feely, and I wasn't feeling it, so he wondered why?? He said "I was just trying to help you straighten up the house". Yeah but I don't like the way you do it I told him.

I am reading your thread and just feeling for you. Like may others my dh does diddly when it comes to the house and the child maintanence. (baths feeding diaper etc.) It annoys me when he comes home and turns on the tv instead of playing with the kids, He was very disconnected with them until my son was about 3. I think they are just not interestimn until then, now he is more about playinng with my ds. Last night the 10 mo. baby woke uo crying at 11 which is her norm the dr. said to let her cry. I told my dh he agreed, but when she woke up crying he started having a tantrum huffing and puffing and tossing! He is like this. So as far as that stuff goes I think your dh is normal. But spending so much time gone and you home alone alll day is so hard. I look forward to my dh coming home just for another adults attention. I do make sure we have dinner together, that way I can ask him about his day and what's going on in his life. (acting interested in the guy stuff) just so we don't grow apart. I definately don't think it is alright for him to man handle you like that. Do you have friend you hang with and talk to. I hate thinking about you alone in your house not even a car to go for a drive when you need to. How would he be if you drove him to work, and keep the car. Will he be watching the baby when you work? Keep us posted!

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"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous

Im so sorry you are going through this. Im a single mom too and that decision wasnt easy so I understand where you are at.

In my view you do need to evaluate your life and what you are prepared to put up with and compromise with to keep your marriage.

writing this down is a good place to clarify your thoughts. Im concerned though in one of the posts he mentioned he thought Aiden might not be his, now for me even with your DH past wifes history that is not a good comment and would give me cause for concern.

his and your past in a sense doesnt matter its your relationship with each other right now that does. Yes we all bring our baggage with us but our baggages isnt an excuse for treating or mistreating our partner thats an excuse and a co-op out.

Sorry but you need help and you know what you dont want Aiden to see in home life and you know what male example he needs to see and experience if he is to become a whole person when he grows up. If he isnt seeing it, or experiencing it, you have to ask yourself the same question I did, maybe being a positive single parent role model is better than trying to "make" someone behave as they deep in their heart know they should.

You cant make your DH change no matter how hard you try or how much of yourself you compromise, it doesnt work that way

If you can both go to counselling that could be positive but you cant have your strings pulled on promises constantly being offered thats going to raise your hopes and drop you deeper if it doesnt happen

Sorry if this sounds hard on you I dont mean it to be I just think you deserve a partner 100% in your corner and Aiden deserve a Dad who is the same for him

big hugs

Anne

I knew I couldnt change my ex. He didnt help at all when our son was young. Probably bought 1 pack of diapers, while I worked full time everyday and took care of him and got up in the middle of the night to feed him. I bought everything he needed, formula, diapers, clothing. I felt like a single married mom. The ex didnt work, well maybe a few times when he felt like it.
When my son was about 2 1/2 we got a divorce, things sucked and its not worth being together if we werent happy.
I moved back to my parents home (they wanted me to) and there I was for a couple years.

My point is if your marriage isnt filled with love, communication and happiness then something is wrong. Seek counseling, if possible. But only that is temporary.

I figure you only live 1 life and you might as well live it to the fullest. So when I wasnt happy I got a divorce.

And about 2 yrs later I met the most loving, caring and greatest man ever.

I hope things get better for you, I read that you and your husband hung out and talked. But I read the part about him choking you!! yikes! I also think its not right for him to leave you and your son all the time to go out and do whatever he does. Maybe some marriage counseling will do you 2 some good.

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www.myspace.com/sassy143


Alex & the spider monkey

I am sorry to hear about your hard situation. It is never pleasant to feel sad and confused on what to do next. I do not have an answer to your situation as only you can decide what you need and want to do when you are ready. I can share that my boyfriend is also in recovery (NA) and has been now going on 5 yrs. He has two children (boy 20, girl 15), the youngest lives with us and the oldest is on his own. We also have a 4 y.o. daughter together. I go to Nar-anon and it is helpful to vent, bounce things off others with similar experiences, but especially helpful is having people giving you support no matter what you decide or how long it takes you to decide. I have not had to deal with physical violence, but I would like to think that it would be the first and last time because I would pack up and leave. However, I have experienced other intolerable things that I have tolerated (easier said than done sometimes). However, I guess that is where I draw the line.
When I have felt confused about what to do in different situations I have learned that eventually (when I've had enough), I figure out what to do next. Having support and people to talk to in the meantime has proven very helpful for me. The bottom line is to remember to take care of your children AND yourself.

Good Luck,
Ainhoa