I didn't know where else to put this, so if it's in the wrong place, please move it.

I'm not happy in my life. Not the motherhood part. I love my son with all that I am and would walk through fire for him. It's the marriage part. Dh (not dear) works outside the home, and up until the middle of August, I was too. And we've been keeping our heads above water, barely, since then. A friend of ours has hired me to work for him in a new restaurant that he co-owns and manages. It could work into a management position. The friend is totally excited about me working there. Dh is NOT. One minute he's ok with it, the next he's making comments like "going from $10-12 and hour to making practially nothing and not being able to count on tips." He wants me to tell him what we need to pay and when, and then when I do, he throws a fit. For the last few weeks, he's been taking my car to work and leaving me here, with an infant, and no vehicle. My mom lives close, but I can't expect her to drop everything to be at my beck and call. That's not fair to her. Last night I asked him if I could use the car today, I got a guilt trip. I pack leftovers for his lunch, he doesn't take it. He's got his paycheck in his pocket, so I guess he's going to eat out. He KNOWS what we need to pay this week, and he leaves me money for groceries, which does no good with no way to go get them, and takes the rest with him! When I asked him what I'm supposed to do about the car situation next week when I start work, I got an "I don't know". I guess he's gonna want me to use my mom's car, which will NOT happen.

He does ABSOLUTELY nothing when he gets home at night. If he spends any time with Aidan, it's very little. The rest of the time, Aidan is MY responsibility. When he's here, he's either eating, watching tv or asleep. When he has time off, he chooses to be places other than with his family, which he claims to care so much about. He's in AA, has been for three years and he spends more time at meetings, or with the people he knows from there. On Friday evenings, he comes home, eats dinner, changes clothes and is gone again till late. The same thing with Saturdays. And if he's not there, he goes over an hour away to the home of a friend he hunts with. This past week he asked if we were going to the fair, which ended the 24th. I said that yes, I would like to take Aidan. He said he would like to go too. By Friday morning, it was "if you and your mom want to go, go ahead, I've got so much going this weekend, I don't know which end is up". He won't help with Aidan, at all. I've been the only one to get up in the middle of the night since he was born. I've been the only one to comfort, feed, bathe, nurture. He doesn't see a problem with arguing in front of Aidan, I refuse to do it. It's not good for him.

We've had some rough history, just this past Spring he grabbed me around the throat and pushed me up against the wall. His mom read him the riot act afterwards and he apologized over and over, but I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Things are great one week and then something can set him off and it's hell the next week. I've gotten to the point I don't even want him to touch me. And he's gone so much with "other things" that when he's here, I wish he wasn't. Trying to carry on an adult conversation is pointless. It turns into an argument, or he talks to me like I'm a child. The few occasions where we go anywhere as a family, I'm left taking care of Aidan, while he goes off socializing. Once in a while he'll come "check on us", but most of the time, we don't see him till it's time to go home.

I just don't know what to do. I try to keep myself busy around here in the daytime until I start work, but there's only so many times you can clean house in one day. Do I want a divorce? I don't know . Do I still love my husband? I really don't know. Does he still love me? I have no idea. I feel more like a maid than a wife. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of wondering what's going to set him off, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep..I'm just tired.

If you've made it through this rambling mess of words, thank you..I just needed to get it out...and it doesn't make anymore sense here than it does in my head.

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Alicia

Mommy to Aidan 10-21-05 and Rori 7-3-07

Oh, honey, I had no idea! I am so sorry. You need someone to talk to who can help you find the answers within yourself. I can't help quite like that, I'm more than willing to listen if you need an ear. Please give me a call if you want to talk. Remember we are all here for you.

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~*JAMI*~ GO RED SOX! WORLD CHAMPIONS!

Oh you poor girl. I wished I had some really good advice but I don't. I could suggest maybe that you go to an Alanon meeting to help you have someone to talk with about DH. I know recovery is a difficult process. We are currently dealing w/ this w/ my mom. She has 1 yr & has good days & bad days.

I hope things get better for you. Maybe the two of you could do try marriage counseling. ? If you'd want too.

My DH didn't help much w/ my two when they were babies. He never fed them bottles because I nursed my children & he felt they should have fresh if I'm available. He has only bathed them a handful of times. He has NEVER changed DS diaper. He has gotten better now that they're a little bit older, still young 1 1/2 & 3 1/2.

If you can hang in there it might get a little bit better, especially once you return to working. Then you'll get some adult interaction!! (hug) (hug)

Big Hugs, I'm sorry things have gotten so out of hand at home. This is a tough situation and we can support you and listen to you, but ultimately, it's going to take some soul searching on your part to decide whether or not this is how you want the rest of your life and your son's life to be. No one has the right to abuse you and yes, putting his hands on your throat and pushing you into a wall is abuse.

First you need to sit down and have a good talk with you and ask yourself some questions? Do you think he will ever change for the better? Is he a good father to your son? What kind of lessons is he teaching your son about life and how to treat the people he is supposed to love? What are you showing him by putting up with it? You've found a job now, will you be able to support your son on your own? It's all hard and heart breaking. No one wants to put their heart and soul into a relationship have children and then see it end. But, no one deserves to be treated poorly either.

You mentioned he is in AA. So he is open to couceling. If you laid some things on the line with him, would he be open to going to marrage couceling as well?

Do some thinking on your own first and don't show your hand until you are absolutely positive you are ready to do all you need to, to get the results you are looking for, whether it be couseling or leaving. I am very concerned about his behavior and honestly your saftey. If he has been violent to you, he's not going to like this kind of confrontation. Be careful.

Big hugs and prayers on the way.
Kelly

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The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

Wow, I'm so sorry. Like the others, I have no good advice besides you should probably find someone to talk to about this and try marriage counseling. The more you bottle it up, the harder it will be to deal with overall, or at least this is what I have found. But be careful and take care of yourself. It worries me that he has attacked you in the past since he could get offenesive about discussing it.

I really feel for you and I hope you find your answers and a way back to happiness in this part of your life. Hang in there!

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Mom to Kaylee (10/2006)
Waiting on our second bundle of joy to arrive January 2009!

"We've had some rough history, just this past Spring he grabbed me around the throat and pushed me up against the wall. "

that bothers me more than anything else. something has to change-or a lot of things. i would be fed up too. i would confront him immediately. with exactly what you said above.

good luck

Thank you all for your words. And Mom23 (Jami), thank you SO much for the phone call. I appreciate that more than words can express.

I hope I didn't give the wrong impression when I said we have some rough history. When he laid his hands on me in the spring, that was the only time he's ever done that. By rough history, I meant that among financial battles and his drug/alcohol abuse, we've fought to work things out and stay married. He's been in AA for three years, we both have. I have alcohol abuse in my past and although I started in Al-Anon, I soon realized that AA was where I belonged. And I haven't been to alot of meetings since Aidan has been born. I don't feel the desire to drink, and with God's help, my son will NEVER see me in the condition that I would so often put myself in. That is another life.

I know this isn't true, but I often feel like the ONLY woman on the planet with a husband who does nothing around the house. For instance, I did laundry yesterday, the hamper was EMPTY, and where does he put his dirty clothes last night? ON TOP of the hamper! Now, this hamper is in our bedroom, right next to where he gets undressed every night, and he puts them on top of it. He takes a shower and for the life of him, he can't put the bathmat back on the side of the tub or rinse out the tub. I have to clean it when I want to take a bath because he's left it dirty! It's like the joke, how many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, because it's never happened. LOL When we first got married, almost 7 years ago, we had the "understanding" that when I wasn't working, the house was my "job". Even when I've worked full time, it's still been my job and now there's a child in the mix. Except with this "job", there's no vacation, no sick leave, no time off.

I am his third wife. His first wife had diabetes and had gone in for gall bladder surgery and got an infection and died, they'd been together 5 years and had also lost a baby, due to her diabetes. His second wife slept with everything that wore pants, conceived and had two children while they were together and he didn't find out till the divorce that they weren't his children. Yeh, she was a real prize. I often think his past has affected the way things are in our marriage. He's talked about how he and his first wife "shared all the household duties", but when I ask him to do the same I get, "write down what you want me to do and I will". The second one slept around and he's accused me of doing that. He's even said that he thought maybe Aidan wasn't his child. So....

I've got some soul searching to do...I had to do some in the Spring and I need to do it again....

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Alicia

Mommy to Aidan 10-21-05 and Rori 7-3-07

I will keep you in my prayers. Take a good look at your life and know that we are here for you.

Wow. I am sorry....please know you are in my prayers. And know you are not alone in the dh does nothing part!! I have one of those, too!! It isn't easy...and it makes me madder than most anything else in my life..but at this point, I just don't know how to change him. If YOU figure out a way, let ME know!! I am here for you, too. Please use my shoulder anytime.

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Shaking in my boots (well, if I was wearing them in the middle of summer!), but glad to be back!

I work 40+ hours a week, am very pregnant, and the only thing I can get my DH to do is vaccume. I clean everything else, do HIS laundry, do the dishes and clean up after him (how many beer bottles can't find their way to the trash can?) I think the inability to clean or care about cleaning is in men's genetics or something. I have just accepted it at this point and I know nagging doesn't work.

We did go see our midwife and she said he needed to do things when I asked him to or I would have a break down, and he has gotten better but it has only been a couple of days.

So know, you are not alone in this.

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Mom to Kaylee (10/2006)
Waiting on our second bundle of joy to arrive January 2009!