My 12 year old hates me...what should I do?

heather61172 · **My 12 year old hates me...what should I do?**

My dd wrote a few I hate Mom letter and I found them in her room...
She said some terrible things. She said I was selfish because I never buy her the things she wants ( which is a lie) and I spend more on her brother and sister. She says I don't care about her and I make her do everything around the house ( I make her fold laundry an put it away...that is all). I also do nothing she said but sit on my fat butt!

Any Mom know that all the crap you have to take care of between kids and the house and work...I could just ....ewww she makes me mad.

My dd is so damn spoiled....she gets everything she wants. I may say No for some things but who doesn't? I know...I am mean.
She has a new comuter, a cell phone, a ipod, a Dooney purse, 100.00 shoes, a go-cart, a scooter, a dog, her own room and bathroom, private school, she is on a traveling fastpitch softball team.....I could go on...we even just gave her money for her report card...140.00.
My parents buy her most of this stuff.

How do I handle all this mess...what do I say to her? At the same time I found a school paper that asked her who her hero was and she said me.

stacia · 10-13-2006, 08:56 PM

I've been there with my mom. I would sit her down and have a real conversation with her. She's old enough to handle it. Believe me if you get this settled now it will make the next few years much easier. And no offense but a 12 year old doesn't need a cell phone, dooney or $100 shoes and especially $140 for a report card?! Yes I'm sorry she's spoiled! good grades should be expected as is good behavior! Not bought! But you helped spoil her so you are going to have to handle it! I would also put her in some community service or volunteering program. Helping those less fortunate might help her unspoil herself! Good Luck, you're gonna need it!

heather61172 · 10-13-2006, 09:17 PM

I know I have a to try to fix what I have done. It is mostly my parents who buy her this stuff...but I am guilty for letting them do it.
What should I say to her...I get so frustrated because she loves to argue with me. I always end up yelling at her.
Paying for grades was a new thing we started this year. I have to say it worked...last years grades were terrible. She's is in 7th this year and even though she got a D...the rest were all A's and B's. And yes again...this was my parents idea....they are paying her but letting my husband and I take the credit. She will be placing this in a savings account and it will be a lesson to her...this will teach her about banking and saving in the long run.
Anyway, what should I say...what should I do?
I am so bad at disiplining and talking to her.....I really am mad at her for saying all those bad things about me.

aliadam · 10-13-2006, 10:09 PM

Okay, this is going to sound harsh...but you need to stop letting your parents buy her things. If she makes bad grades then you punish her by taking AWAY all the things she had. I think it's fine for grandparents to buy kids things...after all, it's in a grandparents job description to spoil their grandkids. But I think this is sort of ridiculous and I'm surprised you would allow your parents to waste that much money on a child that is yours and your responsibility to raise.

As far as the hate thing goes, I think that all teen girls at some time or another get mad and resentful of their moms. I think it's just part of the growing up process. The fact she picked you as her hero shows me she doesn't really mean it. But you do need to get a little tougher here and stop spoiling her (by letting your parents...you can't blame them since you're letting them) and make her be responsible for her behavior. HTH

CelticFaerie · 10-13-2006, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather61172

I know I have a to try to fix what I have done. It is mostly my parents who buy her this stuff...but I am guilty for letting them do it.
What should I say to her...I get so frustrated because she loves to argue with me. I always end up yelling at her.
Paying for grades was a new thing we started this year. I have to say it worked...last years grades were terrible. She's is in 7th this year and even though she got a D...the rest were all A's and B's. And yes again...this was my parents idea....they are paying her but letting my husband and I take the credit. She will be placing this in a savings account and it will be a lesson to her...this will teach her about banking and saving in the long run.
Anyway, what should I say...what should I do?
I am so bad at disiplining and talking to her.....I really am mad at her for saying all those bad things about me.

Sweetie Welcome to teenage hell. I take it that she is in middle school. I have a just turned 14 year old 8th grade dd. 99 percent of my stress comes from her. She tries every way to manipulate me. She wants to run the house. I have heard I hate you once. Mostly it is whateeeever, I am!, I will, Okay, You're impossible! Her friends say that she is crazy and that they wish they were in our family.
You can chalk most of it up to hormones. ALso there is alot of pressure in school. They have so much more than we have to deal with. Violence, drugs, boys, peer pressure and the work load is alot harder than when we were in school. My dd has so many big projects and homework.
Look at it this way, If your 12 year old thought that you were the most wonderful mom in the world, than you must be lacking. If your dd hates you ( I am sure she doesn't it is the normal teenage response ) than you are doing something right. You are making sure she has responsability. When you say no it is because you worry for her safety, Want to make sure she is an active member of your family or just want her around. Can you image such an awful thing?

If paying her for her grades work, I say go for it. School is hard. They are there all day then have to work at home too. I tried that with my dd and it didn't work, she still struggles.
My dd had a cell phone, computer, designer clothes etc. at 12. I don't think this is about material things. It is about herbeing confused about going from a child to a teen. There is alot going on emotionally and physically. My dd and I are constantly fighting. I think it is because I am the one person she can say anything to and will still love her unconditionally.The world is a scary and confusing place at the moment and she has to take it out on somebody. Unfortunately it is you.

I wish I could say that it will get better soon. Yet, your dd is no longer a little girl. One day she will realize how much you did for her and you two will be close again. I am getting closer to that point. At least I get I am sorrys and a hug and kiss now and then. At 12 that wouldn't have happened. I wish you luck. Not because you are going to need it. You are just going through what every parent of a teenager has gone through.Oh to have little ones again. That was a piece of cake compared to this. Put a band aid on a boo- boo, put a safety gate up to keep them safe. We are in a whole new scary world. Our parents survived and so will we. You are doing fine mama, It will be okay.
Hugs!
Mitzi

Kimberley · 10-13-2006, 10:27 PM

its hormones, and she knows she can write mean things about you and you will still love her. i know, i did it to my mom when i was a teenager to. never meant a word of what i said, it was mostly self pity and just being an a$$. but i was confident that no matter what i wrote my mother would always love me and i never once took it into account how i hurt her with what i wrote. and i know she read it. chances are she never meant for you to see them. she probably expected them to be kept private. i know i thought mine would be. i expeceted my mother to respect my privacy and not look through my room, which she totally didn't do, but looking back on it, it doesn't bug me anymore, she did what she thought she had to, to know what was going on in my life since i sure wasn'ty talking about it with her.

desertmom · **normal**

This is normal at her age. Those raging hormones and a body that seems like it belongs to a stranger. I would write her a letter, explaining how her letter hurts. Make sure it's a letter you would want her to keep. Let her know you know what it was like at her age and that you had some of the same feelings. That you love her no matter what, but feel very hurt when she doesn't talk with you and you hope she will start, because teenage years are hard on moms and daughters - this is a good time to try to build a bridge. I just know that the "hurt" aspect is more effective than the anger aspect. Good luck!!

By the way, I wrote nasty things about my then wicked stepmother in my diaries and stories when I was a teenager. She really was a witch to me. However, it was my way of working through my feelings. I had to release them somehow, and this was the only safe place. I destroyed them later, but my little sister got ahold of some of them and told my stepmother. Perhaps you can take this into account - maybe she is a gifted writer, she may or may not have left those out for you to "accidently" discover. Either way, it is her safe release. I don't know how your house is run, but if you think she was trying to keep them private, you may want to use something else as a conversation starter. That way you can (oh, I know, this is sneaky) keep tabs on her thoughts without her knowing. I know your goal is to keep her out of danger and this could be an effective way.

heather61172 · 10-14-2006, 08:17 AM

Thanks sooo much for all the great thoughts and advice. I feel a lot better. I was cleaning her room yesterday and just came across what she wrote...it wasn't hidden and I wasn't in there looking through her stuff. I try get up into her room atleast twice a year to do a full cleaning and organization......to help her out. Her life is busy. That's because I don't care about her and do nothing for her....right

I had people tell me this age would be hard and I am a young enough Mom to remember what I did to my Mom...I was no angel....but I guess I just couldn't believe my sweet little baby girl would turn into a "Teenager"!!!!

I also feel weak in my knees when I think if I make it through her teen years....I only have two more to get through.....great huh!

desertmom · **privacy**

Personally, I feel that if it's your home, and your goal is to keep your child safe, you have a right to go in her room. She can have all the privacy she wants later. I wouldn't habitually read the diary or anything - that is private. Now if you suspect drugs, suicidal thoughts or something that needs life-saving intervention, that's different. But as far as being able to go in there, it is your house. But, shouldn't she clean her own room?? She's plenty old enough. I'll bet you more responsibility would give her more self confidence. (And less expensive purses! They are rewards for OUR hard work.)

momofkaty&hope · 10-14-2006, 02:58 PM

I have a 12 year old daughter too and this all sounds very familiar. She is all sweetness and light one minute and the kid from h*** the next! Her body is changing, she is stressed to the max with the amount of responsibility she all of the sudden has to handle at school, she all of the sudden boys notice her differently than they did before. This is a very confusing time for her as evidenced by the contradictory things she has written. I'm talking about MY daughter not yours. Hang in there, they don't have a manual written for this age. You will have your share of ups and downs but there is a light at the end of the tunnel called maturity.