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Mommysavers Addict
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Midwest
Real Name: Jeannette
Posts: 6,004
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MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for
over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month"
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from
now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the
feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness,
and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags,
and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought
the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you
f***ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness, actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up
on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending bull****. And that's a promise I
will keep, always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
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Parker, Wyndser, and Carson....................Wyndser (in blue) with her cousin
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