.. I feel so overwhelmed. I know that venting on here isn't going to solve any of this stuff, but it helps me to put things into perspective I think. So, bear with me, because this might get long.. but I really need to just let it all out.

I feel so overwhelmed. I got stress at every turn. We live next door to my inlaws, which is cause for a good bit of stress. Actually, it isn't so much stress with my MIL or FIL, though sometimes it's hard dealing with how nosy they are about everything. It's more stress with BIL.. long story. Not really gonna go down Complaint Lane for that one. DH is having a very stressful time at work right now, being a mediator and peace-maker in a place of absolute chaos...and then sound Christian counsel is telling us that God is preparing us for a ministry doing the exact thing that he's going through at work.. which mentally drains me just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, we'll do our ministry with all of our heart, as we will keep our family in God's will and doing what He wants us to do, but on top of everything, it almost gives me a headache.
We're TTC but having problems doing so. I've been having a TON of problems with my cycle, and finally got an opening to see the Dr about possible thyroid problems (hyperthyroidism), as per suggestion of my gyno. I get in there, find out that my body's hormones are so whacked out that it thinks it's still breastfeeding (and functioning as if it were), even though I stopped nursing DS over a year ago. So the Dr tells me that I have to take birth control to snap my hormones back to normal, and it freaks me out.. I can't take it b/c it messes with me really bad. So DH refuses to let me try it (which most of the time I'm in agreement, since I was severely depressed for the first 6 months of our marriage, and then mildly throughout the next year after that b/c of BC).. so because I can't use BC to fix my hormone problems, I have to try binding my breasts for 3 months in hopes that my body stops thinking that I'm nursing by physical discouragement of the idea. Who knows how long it will take to, well, take, and if it even will, or if in 3 months, I'll be right where I am? Of course, with the stress of everything, I forget to tell the Dr that I've had continuous knife-like pains (pelvic area and lower back) for a while now, and that it seriously intensifies during sex (lol TMI? sorry..) which frankly, scares me. I've had cycle problems since I started, and they don't get any better.. just worse. And when I googled the hormone problems & difficulty conceiving to see if there was a cause, I found information on Endometriosis, which is a (scary but realistic) possibility considering my long-suffering cycle problems and now difficulty in conceiving (after trying for a year). I read the information and cried, it sounded just like everything I was going (and had gone) through, all rolled together into like a total summary. I've got to call the Dr today, but I still haven't talked to DH about it, as I am so very afraid of how it will affect him to know that sex has been painful, and that I haven't said anything about it til now. To understand why, I haven't said anything because I figured I had pulled a muscle or something, and it would just go away. And then when it didn't, I thought, well, my period cycle is so off whack, maybe it's just constant PMSy feelings/junk. But I'm not so sure I can/should just dismiss it anymore. Maybe it wasn't chance that I found that information on endometriosis.. Maybe it's what's wrong and I can get the treatment I need and start to feel better. Or maybe I'm just making myself sick with the "maybes" and the "what-ifs" compiled on top of everything else going on.

My 21 month old just woke up with the terrible twos (I swear it happened overnight! lol).. I desparately need a break from him sometimes, which is why I am trying to get my Pampered Chef business going again, but it's not happening as good as I want it to. Having a 2 year old can be really stressful just becasue. LOL.

our budget is so tight you can't squeeze another penny out of it, even though I've redone it a million times to try to make it better. I'm trying to get a part-time job to supplement some income, but it's really hard b/c I have very limited childcare & vehicle access. I'm a part-time consultant for Pampered Chef, trying to get it to pick back up after I set it aside for some major family hardships the past few months. But I can't seem to get it up and running the way I want, and I am discouraged about this new possible job, as I don't see being able to really work much of it with lack of childcare and vehicle. With my Pampered Chef business, I can work from home in the hours I know that I have kid/car coverage, and I get me time and it doens't take as much time from my night (a show is normally a few hours long).

But on top of everything, I'm trying to keep the house clean so that DH can have a clean haven to come home to (and I get sick of the mess too!).. and it's been a struggle for me, so I dont want to let my PC business take over my house responsibilities.. I feel like I'm torn in a million directions. I'm extremely fatigued all the time and I am in constant pain, which I think DH is secretly thinking I'm wanting attention or think I'm a hypochondriac because I'm always bringing it up. On one hand, I feel like I can't handle what I have, like (on a bad day) I'm overwhelmed with what I'm already dealing with, and on the other hand, I think "I want another baby.. on my good days I can handle everything and be just fine. Life is too short to majorly stress over things like a spotless house.", and on and on..

There are other things, but there always will be. I just am feeling worn out, physically and mentally. And I know that stress isn't going to help fix anything, and that I have to go to God to find peace and comfort in all of this. But there are things that I could just put into persepective too.. To see the blessings that are hidden amongst the (self-made) frustrations. Which is why I came here, and opened my heart to y'all. I need a little prayer.. for sanity, for clarity, and for simplicity in my life.

God bless,
Amanda

I am so sorry for everything.

I have PCOS and it gave me a lot of problems getting pregnant the first time. I went on a lot of meds - one that made me have a period. Would that help? Could the pain be from ovarian cysts? Call the doctor b/c whenever we are in poor physical health it does impact our emotional health.

Just think, tho, how exciting it is to see God working and to know what he wants you to do. So many times we wander aimlessly wanting God to speak and we don't see it. You and your DH have seen/heard God speak and know what direction He wants you to take.

I will be praying for you.

Rachel

Stop for a minute. Clear your mind. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. Do that a few times. Relaxation breathing - it works wonders for me.

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I know what it's like to be sick and not know what's wrong. My husband was just recently diagnosed with colitis after suffering from debilitating joint pain for several months. We went to several specialists, had several rounds of bloodwork and a colonoscopy performed, and tried multiple medications before he finally got a diagnosis and got on meds that gave him some relief. Remember that God will not give you more than you can handle without also providing a way for you to handle it.

I would recommend calling your doctor about the pain you've been having. It never hurts to ask your doctor about endometriosis if that's what you suspect. Just beware of what you read on the Internet - oftentimes all you get is the worst case scenario (believe me, we've done it many, many times over the last few months).

I wanted to mention this when you first posted about the pain you've been having during sex - but are you using plenty of lubrication (the KY stuff the OBGYN uses works fine)? Not having enough lubrication hurts A LOT and it's a simple solution - so it might be worth a try just in case that's what's been causing your pain. Breastfeeding reduces your natural lubrication (I think because of low estrogen levels) and if your body thinks it's still breastfeeding and your hormones are all out of whack, that may be part of your problem.

I hope that your husband's job stress goes down soon and you are able to get your Pampered Chef business back off the ground.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you!

Stephanie

__________________
Stephanie
Mom to: Caleb (8/03), Ian (9/05), & Baby Boy #3 (EDD 11-9-2008)