Broken spirit

flybygrace · **Broken spirit**

It started two days ago when I got my period – after being 8 weeks late. I feel so betrayed by my body and forsaken by the One who knows the deepest desires of my heart. I’m angry at Him for letting this continue and on the verge of tears all day. I don’t want to go into public. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I can’t think straight or focus on anything, leaving my house a perpetual tornado zone of disaster. I just want to curl up in the smallest ball possible in the darkest room possible and sob until the tears run dry. I’m sad and angry, confused, hopeless and hurt. My body screams with pain from two months’ worth of period cramps and bleeding. I’m supposed to go home this week and meet up with a friend of mine that’s pregnant. I’ve spent the past two days making a baby blanket for her, only to sob as I finished it, knowing that I wasn’t pregnant and she’s weeks from having a baby. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to see her belly or hear her joyfully chatter about the nursery or packing her bag for the hospital. I don’t care if that’s selfish, cruel or ignorant. I just want to punch something really hard and sit in a hot shower and cry my eyes out. I want my daddy to hold me and tell me its all going to be all right. And I don’t want to hear anyone say “it’s all in God’s timing” because I’m angry at God right now and don’t agree with His timing. I feel like He’s passed right over me and gone on to the next person in line. I don’t know when this will pass, though I know it eventually will. I feel ill in my spirit, mind and body. And when I let myself cry, it doesn’t make me feel better; it only makes room for more tears to flow freely.

Princess1 · 08-03-2007, 01:23 AM

First of all *hugs* I wish that would make you feel better but it probably won't. I know what your going thru. I had a miscarriage when my oldest was 3 years old. I wanted that baby so bad. After that I wanted to get pregnant altho I didn't have to wait too long before I was when I finally did become pregnant my doctor told me that I wasn't. I was 5 and a half weeks before they finally said I was. The whole pregnancy I worried because I didn't want another miscarriage. Dh wanted me to get my tubes tied after having this one because of all the stress that we were under. I agreed only to regret it. I had a beautiful baby boy which turned 7 today. My heart will always long for another baby. I even have dreams about it. I hope all works out for you and it is o.k. to feel angry and hurt. *hugs*