O.k. so here I am feeling guilty for being so harsh on SIL. I was wondering what I could do to help without being taken advantage of. Right now she doesn't have a job and has to pay her bills with assistance. She is now realizing that what I said was correct that she needs to get a job because assistance is not going to take care of everything. Anyway, it is really hard to be helpful to her without her trying to make you feel sorry for her and giving her your last dime. I would love to give my last dime to someone who really needs it and appreciates it and will help themselves and learn from it, but it wouldn't help her. Anyway, I feel bad for her situation even though she put herself there. What would you do to help? I know good advice is a start but she rarely takes it. She was upset talking to someone at church last Sunday that she couldn't pay her bills because she didn't have a job. I told her that a long time ago that she would probably have to get a job and couldn't live off of assistance This is frustrating for me because I care about her but it seems anything I tell her falls on deaf ears Anybody know someone like this? Is it best to just smile and show her love and then let her figure out her problems on her own? Any advice would be helpful. Thank You.

does she have children??? how many??? How old???

I know you said "fellow believers" on this thread, but I don't think that has anything to do with this particular question. I do know a few people like this. Some people just have to learn it for themselves. Some people, if given two choices, always choose the hardest path and then complain about it all the way. Some people think a pot of gold is going to drop down from the sky, & if they hold off and wait long enough, things will fix themselves. I guarantee you - even if you talked to a friend & landed her a part-time job with above-average pay for the work, training included, close to home, perfect hours, she would find something wrong with it and then blame you for putting her in the situation or getting her such a lousy job. In my opinion, all you can do is provide an ear, occasionally mention the same sound, logical advice that she will ignore until SHE'S good and ready for it, and pray that she comes around. She is not your problem - if you lend her money or something you're just enabling her to stay on the same road. I hate that term - enable. Anyway - hope that helps! It was sincerely intended to.

Thats just what I would have said.I have tried to help people like this and you cant really help them.

I have to agree with the above also.

Tough love. Sometimes that is all that you can do.

I have a sister that is very similar. It is all I can do sometimes NOT to just give her $100...but deep down I know that she has to figure it out all on her own.

Good luck!!

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The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton

I agree w/ Cali. If she keeps getting help, whether from you, the church or anyone, it will just keep enabling her. She just has to get mad or desperate enough to get motivation. Why doesn't she have a job? Maybe we can look there. Is it that she doesn't know how to do it or where to go? Does she not have any confidence? Maybe she needs help there, some coaching for interviews. Is she using kids as an excuse? Is she just lazy? Is there a medical condition?

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She has 2 boys. One is 5 and the other is 15 months.

That's o.k. that you responded. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. You are right, I appreciate your advice. That is pretty much what I thought. Some people cannot be helped. The best way to help them is to let them help themselves. I don't know how you did it but you described her without knowing her, I am sure you know people like her. I am starting to not like the word overwhelmed. She uses it all the time, it is an excuse to not do anything in my opinion.

Honestly I think she is using the kids as an excuse and she is plain lazy IMHO. She is 23 and has had one job and couldn't keep it. So, she knows how to get a job just not how to keep it. She does not have any medical condition to stop her, other than her mental lack of motivation.

Wow - sounds like my ex-SIL a couple years ago. She's 27 now, but three kids now. Same boat - assistance, can't keep a job, leeches off others, makes you pity her and feel bad for her.

Until you find out she spends all day on her Xbox and not out putting in job apps. *I* don't even have an Xbox, if I "game" it's on an ancient PS2, and I can last for about an hour without feeling guilty.

Anyway, you can keep sticking to your word to your SIL by being encouraging - look for a job, better yourself, etc. I'd definitely NOT give her money. If you really want to do something, then spend a few minutes looking through the classifieds circling jobs that she is qualified for. If she doesn't have a higher education, then steer her to checking if a local community college is around, I would imagine she would definitely qualify for aid/grants. One of the colleges by here not only does the aid, but it pretty much guarantees that you will get a job. A friend of mine is doing this now - she gets aid that pays for all her college, living expenses, and she just got an internship making $13/hr. She's still got a couple years to go.

Give advice - it's free. You can help try to teach her skills (homework if she goes to college, interview and resume tips etc).

But DON'T give her the means to continue on the same path she's on.