Right off the bat, I'd have a talk with the 'dad' to confirm her life story. She might have lied about her mom and dad.

Secondly, I'd NEVER let the girl stay over at my house without talking to the dad and getting his permission first. The girl might have told him that you invited her, not that she invited herself. While he should definately be more on the ball, I believe you're also assuming a great deal.

Next, I would bar the girl from sleeping in my home and she NEVER would be at my home when I wasn't there. Girls who don't have strong parental (especially male) authority tend to be easily abused, sexually abused. While I'm sure your husband would never do anything like that, HE is at great risk of being accused of it! You might even be accused of it. Girls at this age can get very confused.

If you get nowhere with the 'dad', or if he confirms all neglect that she has been telling you, PLEASE discuss the situation with her teacher. Someone needs to be looking out for this girl and a teacher is a mandatory reporter. If the teacher doesn't want to get involved, try the school nurse or even the principal. This girl's problems could be way over your head.

To heck with you being 'cool' in the girl's eyes. You're an adult woman, not her friend. The more she thinks she can be friends with you, the more she will think she can be friends with a male of your age. Would you want that?!?!?! I wouldn't.

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I would also be concerned with the dad's other guy that lives there??
Is she ok with him...Not to sound mean, but it sounds like a messed up situation and that guy may not be legit with her and all ( especially since she is talking boyfriends and stuff)

I also would be careful with your dh, I agree with cookie in the fact that you would never want him to be accused.

You have a lovely heart with this girl! I think the more you are a parental ( uncool ) figure the better, less a friend!

Good luck!

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married 8 years to a crazy Brit, mommy to a banana, she is 4 and a pineapple who is 11 months, mommy to 3 ~angel~ babies

The older I grow the more earnestly I feel that the few joys of childhood are the best that life has to give. ~Ellen Glasgow
~Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath

Off topic of course...I curious to know who you voted for now!!!
I am a closet idol watcher...

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married 8 years to a crazy Brit, mommy to a banana, she is 4 and a pineapple who is 11 months, mommy to 3 ~angel~ babies

The older I grow the more earnestly I feel that the few joys of childhood are the best that life has to give. ~Ellen Glasgow
~Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath

Wow. This girl is really going overboard, but you, with your golden heart, are letting her. She sounds lonely. And as mean as it sounds, it's not your problem or responsibility. I agree with Cookie: I would talk with the father, alone, to verify her story. She may be making it ALL up. And having another man in the house when dad's not there? Even if he is gay, which we don't know, it opens both of them up to accusations.

My feeling is to talk to the dad, and if all is as she says, I'd have a talk with her, but strongly consider calling Child Protective Services. Leaving a teen that young home like that...just wrong. This whole scenario honestly sounds like it's heading for no good. She also sounds like she has a bitter/mean streak in her and she could turn on you anytime, no matter how nice you are (asking you to take her out to dinner?). I realize it's flattering, but it's really not good for either of you.

Good luck, but if all is as she says, there's a lot that needs to be fixed by people who have the authority to do something about it.

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I don't know...red flags are flying all over the place for me. Be careful. This girl seems unstable and certainly not a good influence for your children. I understand your desire to help her, but as nurturers, we women sometimes get in over our heads because of our hearts.

I would help her, but keep her visits at your home to a minimum. Mentor her at church or through limited phone calls perhaps. She seems like the type of girl (since she has no maternal support) who can very easily cling to you and cause interference with your own family. Your first priority is your own children and husband. Make sure you have boundaries in place to keep this relationship with this young girl where it should stay. You could end up with more headaches than you bargained for.

This young lady is her dad's responsibility regardless of what kind of father he is and how involved in her life he is. If you're concerned for her safety, I would consider talking it over with your husband about alerting authorities. I have learned the hard way not to "save" people. Now, I help and love them with barriers (and on my terms).

A great book for you to read would be "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. He put things in the proper perspective for me. Just because we choose not to get involved with certain individuals does not make us selfish. I had to learn this being a nurturer myself. I need to stay completely functional for myself and my close family. Others who may need me need to share me when and if I can give something of value.

Is there some sort of opportunity through your church where you can organize a helpful mentoring program for teenage girls like her? This will give you an opportunity to use the nurturing heart you have yet keep your family separate and yourself sane at the same time.

Good luck!

I am just sick over this whole situation. My dh talked to our friends that we took Joy over to their home Sunday. Their 15 dd told her parents how Joy was cussing every breath in front of all the kids and the 15 dd got in trouble with her parents because she didn't tell them when it was happening. She also said Joy was talking nasty talk to boys on the phone. They believe she is trouble and we needn't take anymore responsibity for her. Joy called me this evening and said her dad is going out of town tomorrow and wanted to come to our house tomorrow after school. My dh was going to talk to her dad at church tomorrow evening in person about everything but now is going to have to talk to him on the phone tomorrow morning. I guess she isn't going to be staying with us now and we will not be continuing with our Thursday night Bible study because we can't have her watching our kids. I understand our need to do this but I also really hate that I feel like we are rejecting her. I hardly slept last night worrying about all of this and now wonder what tonight will be like.

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sometimes it's best to do what is right for your family... and I think you are doing that. you're not rejecting her, far from that.

The cussing, talking nasty with boys, etc.

You cannot have her in that state around your children, or dh for that matter.

Believe that you did the right thing, even though it may not be good for her, it's good for your family. Maybe she will realize that she cannot act that way and straighten up a bit.

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married 8 years to a crazy Brit, mommy to a banana, she is 4 and a pineapple who is 11 months, mommy to 3 ~angel~ babies

The older I grow the more earnestly I feel that the few joys of childhood are the best that life has to give. ~Ellen Glasgow
~Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath

The thing is she was just perfect in front of us. It wasn't until we took her to our friend's home we found out she was doing this in front of our friend's children and ours, of course when there were no adults around. She called and and left me a sweet message apologizing yesterday for whatever she had done wrong obviously her dad didn't go into detail with her.

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I agree with everything Cookie has said. You are an adult and your first responsibility is to YOUR family. There are red flags all over for me and how she acts in front of others, relates to others, etc. You need to protect YOUR kids first.

I know you want to help her, but talking to her Dad would be the best thing, I think. Not doing her hair, her nails, letting her stay at your house, being her friend, etc. I would be just like you in the same situation, but you really need to protect your family it sounds like over this girl. JMO

I did, well both my dh and I talked to her dad. I did find out she was telling the truth about her mom and her real dad. I told him everything that had happened at our friend's home and it sounded like he was really surprised she was doing it. He says he has a rule not to delete any of her text messages but geesh he can't control that. Anyway he said he was grounding her from her phone for a month. I also expressed my concern about her being alone home (which is probably how she is at this moment) and meeting boys online. He thanked us for letting him know about everything that had happened. I know it is a hard position for him to be in being a single father. I don't know many men who would raise a child alone especially when it isn't his child.

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