I agree with what everyone has said so far. I would only encourage you to talk to him - but tread lightly. Men are wired different and as other have said he is probably feeling failure because he is not providing for his family.

I would let him know that you don't like carrying the burden of the finances (not bringin in money just doing the bills and knowing how behind you are) alone and that you would like to do it together. I would even apologize for taking money from the emergency fund wtihout asking. I think you really need to start the conversation off so that he does not feel threatened and hopefully it will go well.

Good Luck.

amy

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Amy

I'm sorry you have been going through such a tough time. More of us are just teetering on the edge of your very situation and just don't want to admit it. What does "kind of looking for a job mean?" Either he is or he's not. I would be pretty upset about that and not feeling guilty about trying to keep an emergency fund. It sounds like you both need to sit down and figure out what direction you both want to go. Do you want him to go back to work or is he watching the kids while you work (that can be a good situation if you make more money than he would), all things to be discussed.

Best of luck to you. I hope you get back on your feet quickly.

Thank you for the advice and keep it coming. I am currently getting all of our bills together and creating several different budgets to show to dh. One with our current situation, one with him going back to work, and one for where we were last year at this time.

When I say he is kinda looking for work what I mean is when he lost his first job last March he was making $30/hour. He is trying to find a job that pays at least $20/hour. The problem with this is most of the jobs in our area for his trade are $16-18/hour and he doesn't think this is acceptable for 20 years of experience. He doesn't want to realize that the reason he lost his job all 3 times last year is because he has a loose mouth and tends to tell it like he sees it. I told him that he basically needs to start all over and prove himself to an employer. I know that the money will come, but he seems to think differently. I do not want him to go into business for himself, atleast not unitl will are mostly out of debt.

I have taken over all of the finances, because he has a heart condition and a few years ago the worrying he was doing was worsening this condition. We found that by me handling the bills he was able to worry less.

I feel like he does feel like a failure for losing these jobs, but I have tried over and over again to reassure him that he is not. I have been the one spending days on end on the internet looking for jobs for him and numerous times I have reworked his resume to try and improve his chances of getting hired. I have never once blamed him for losing his job.

The kids are in daycare so that he can do interviews and I don't have to worry about everyone during the day. He would not be able to handle all four at home.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please keep the advice coming.

He does have to step up and perhaps step down. $18/hour is better than $0/hour. You can't vacillate between being employed and having your own business. When you go into your own business, you need cash reserves, knowledge and a plan. Moreover, you have to do it wholeheartedly, not as a maybe. He needs to get a job NOW, which, hopefully, can lead to a raise in 90 days or so or even a better position. Nothing from nothing is nothing. Good luck, and kudos to you!

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Make someone's heart smile today.

you're married, you are in this together, so discuss it together, as equal partners. Yes, the men-no men bashing here, just opinion, that they do feel inadequate when they feel they do not make enough to help support, so just reassure him that this is not a wage war, that you two work together on it. Good luck to you!

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:love: Jane P.

Maybe he was so upset because he didn't know you used emergency fund money, but I think it's quite possibly an ego thing. Being out of work kind of makes you lose confidence in yourself and your abilities.
I agree with the others that you should share your numbers and rationale with him. Maybe from now on you can sit down periodically and plan your spending budget together. One of you can still handle the bill paying, but you both agree in advance where the money will come from and where it will go.
Starting a business often means acquiring debt. I'd wait until you can afford to lose money before starting your own. Ideally, your husband will be working for someone else and start his own business on a part time basis until he feels he has enough clients/customers to earn a full time living.

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~Jeweled

I completely understand where you are coming from.
I agree you need to talk with dh about finances and where/what money is used for. He may not agree with the use.
My dh was let go, due to new leadership and change of priorties. He is a college grad but still took a job working for a lawn and snow service. It was a friend's business but dh was making $15.00 per hour. ALOT for that type of work, but nowhere near what he was making as a Mechanical Engineer. He was depressed and thought it was he fault we were in the situation. By you hiding the money you unknowing helped him prove he's not worthy. My dh was underemployed for 2 yrs. I think your dh is in denial. mine was too. he may also be hiding just how hard he is looking for a job b/c he doesn't want to look like a failure to you. I will be honest,I never thought my dh was looking or trying hard enough. But I realized after the fact that he did more than I was aware. If dh thought I was trying to see what he was doing he did nothing. I did the same as you and looked for jobs for dh. i think that made him feel worse. part of the reason I was angry about the lack of trying was I that I resented dh for having to go bak to work. Most of this knowledge came after serious examination of myself, not dh.
I'm sorry you guys are going through this.

allgirls

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allgirls, mom to 3 girls