Here's the story. I have been a sahm for 6 years. Last year dh lost his job 3 times. Last time was just before halloween. He has not worked since and is drawing unemployment. He is kinda looking for a job and kinda thinking he wants to go into business for himself. The unemployment only covers about 1/3 of our expenses. Last year we pretty much lived off of credit cards. Bad I know, but I had to survive. In December I accepted a full time position with a company and went back to work. This helps alot, but now we need to get rid of the debt we created. We have not used a credit card since I started work, and don't plan to. I have always been the one taking care of the finances. We had an emergency fund of $1000, but I got $500 out of there last summer to cover some bills. Last night I went to put the money back into the hiding spot. Dh saw me and counted what was in their. He got livid when he learned that I had taken money out of there for bills. I said that is what the emergency fund was for. He then questioned me about bills and money and made me feel completely respondible for our financial situation. How can I get him to see that he needs to hurry up and get a job? How can I get him to see that I was trying to do what was best for our family? I even got behind a few months on some of the credit card payments, because I considered paying the mortgage and buying grocery as more important. He is completely mad at me and I don't lnow what to do. Please help.

Probably part of the reason he's upset is because you were "hiding" money on him. Even though you know and I know you were hiding it for good reasons, he may not see it that way.

You definitely need to sit down with him and hash it out. Now is not the time for him to be starting a business IMO. I think he definitely should wait until the debt is paid down. PUll the paperwork out and show him how far you guys are in debt, what you're bringing in each month and let the numbers speak for themselves. THen formulate a plan together.

If he still doesn't see why he needs a job ASAP, then counseling might be in order.

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Devin

Sorry, but I think maybe he shouldnt complain since it was for bills. I would have pointed out maybe he should get a full time job? Or make SOME decision?

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“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not sure what kind of work you husband is in, but he does need to find some sort of a job, any job that will bring in some income. I'm sure he may feel like a failure, so that may be why he was so upset about the money thing. I would encourage him to go out and find a job soon because employers do not look highly on applicants who are out of work for so long. As said before, I would not go into any more debt by starting his own business. Does he realize what kind of money situation you are in? If you haven't sat down with all of the numbers, maybe you should and so he realizes what is going on with your finances. Good luck! I hope everything turns out okay.

i would have to say been there. I asked mine what he would have done? and then give him the run down of bills. then I would show him how much it takes to cover everything every month. an d then show him what he is covering. Maybe that would help.

Maybe he was upset because you withdrew the money from the emergency fund without telling him? You mentioned that you handle all the finances but maybe it's time that you work on them together.

I read your post to my DH and asked him what he thought, and his first question was "why didn't DH know the money had been used".

Another thought is maybe it just hit him hard that you actually had to use the fund, and made him feel even worse that he didn't have a job?

My vote would be to get it out in the open, and start working on finances together. Although I still do all of the financial work in our house, I talk to DH all the time and give him updates. This really helps and now we are both energized about saving and maximizing our cash.

Let us know how you make out!

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I agree with what the previous posts have said. Make this a team effort. I applaud your willingness to go back to work full time and to pay down your debt. YOur husband needs to step up and help you. He may have to accept a job that is less than ideal to get it done. He may need to do temp work, factory work, or even take on a second job to help you get out of debt. After that, and after you've built up a sufficient emergency fund he could consider his own business, but not before that other stuff happens.

My thought is that he probably is overly sensitive because he thinks its all his fault and maybe feels like you blame him too.

Why do you take care of all the finances? I think any relationship works better when you share the responsibility of money. After all, that is one of the biggest things couples fight about. You definitely need to sit down and together work out your budget plan so that neither of you feels there is any money secret. Starting your own business is hard work and not generally profitable right away - is it something he can maybe do on a smaller scale so that he can get a full-time job elsewhere until you are ahead on the bills?/

Good luck

I agree with this. I don't know if he knew what a financial bind you were in, but if he didn't then I don't blame him for being upset. If he didn't realize you were so far in debt and missing payments because you didn't have the money, then you should have been sharing that with him. If you DID share all that with him, then I'm not sure what his beef is. But the bottom line is that you're both in this mess now, so he needs to help get out of it, and just griping won't do it. So he needs to get a job, or two part time jobs, or whatever until you're out of this situation. So both of you should sit down together and make of list of all of your debts and figure it out together.

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I think that part of the reason that he may be so upset is that he feels like he is failing to provide for his family. I know that in my situation my dh has felt that he doesn't make enough and he feels like a failure sometimes (he told me this - this is not my perception). I think you need to communicate with him and try to make him see your point of view while also reassuring him that he WILL find a job. Sometimes men are more sensitive than we think and I know that you have it hard right now being the only one working, but he may need some motivation after all these setbacks, I think anyone would be discouraged.

I also agree with the other ladies that you should talk to him and show him what you've been doing to help your family survive during this difficult time. It won't be easy, but if you start communicating things will start to look up.

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