What would you do?

Say MaryBeth (made up the name) wanted to join a weight loss program at approx $300 for a set amount of weeks. MaryBeth is in charge of the family finances. Her dh would never know if she spend $300 but she'd have to find a way to make it up (cutting back on other things) because the budget is tight. Mary Beth knows she would do this better if she went ahead and joined and didn't tell anyone because in the past when other people knew, she felt too much pressure from those around her asking how it was going. She'd rather work at it privately without the pressure, especially from her dh.

Would it be ok for MaryBeth to go ahead and join and tell him after she has lost some weight and he notices? Or does she need to check with him before spending that kind of cash when the budget is tight and they have joint accounts?

Is it ever ok to hide spending from a spouse?

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That is a tough one. I am torn on the answer. I guess I would need to know more about their finances before I gave a 100% answer, but based on what you said, I would probably do it. Mainly because I totally understand the support a weight loss program provides, I have been there needing help, and I know they work. I also understand the weight struggle all too well.

If it were ME, I would do it because $300 would not be noticed and my husband would understand, but then again, my husband was/is very supportive of my WW expenditures. If money is so tight that $300 would be noticed, then I might answer no. It would just depend on WHAT they need to cut back to pay for it. Can it be taken out of savings? Will it take away from necessities, like groceries, or from non essentials?

So, I guess my answer is "maybe", but most likely.

Funny, I was thinking of hiding a $300 expenditure from my dh recently. He would never have known it was missing because we have more than that in savings. My birthmother search is exactly $300. Dh is not too excited about me doing it because he feels I am being "disloyal" to my parents. (It is a long story about his feelings. . .) I decided to talk to him about it and he gave me a reluctant ok (not that he would really deny me anything or I had to have permission, but given the amount I wanted him to know what I was doing). I was very tempted to do it in secret though.

I agree with Claire, tough question to decide. Alot would depend on the definition of how tight their budget is.
I have struggled with weight loss before and know the advantage of a structured program.
My DH would support my decision and help me so I wouldn't have had to hide the expentiture.
Guess I just can't answer this one!

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I would say to NOT keep it a secret. However, she should explain to DH about her feelings of pressure and ask him to keep it on the lowdown and not hound her all the time. I wouldn't tell others.

I'm a bit jaded on stuff like that (secrets concerning money) because my last marriage. I paid all the bills, on a very strict budget. My ex paid me $600 a month for his share of the bills. Though I got the bills paid on his "rent" and my income, we never had extra. The final nail in the coffin was when I found out he'd been spending $200+ a month online poker and "adult personals" sites. Now, much, much more had been going on but that finalized my decision to kick him out and file. He had been cheating and had a drinking and gambling problem, but he asked forgivness, and I gave it (stupid). The money thing was the clincher.

I don't know everything what DH spends on, but I know about what it is, and if it's something "new", he immediately tells me. I tell him the cost of "extra" purchases. Even if I don't care for it, he can do what he wants with his money, just keep me in the know. I didn't think he needed that extra fishing pole - he's got 15 so far! But I appreciate him telling me the price of the new one when he got it.

I'm not making sense today, I'm sorry :D I guess I want to say is that if a family can "afford" it, then either spouse should be in the know of what the other does financially. They don't have to agree fully, or even discuss it first hand, but when the day is done, there should be no secrets.

I would tell my dh I was thinking about joining and see how he felt about spending the money. Knowing that the money could be made up in other ways, if he was OK with spending that amount, I would then tell him I may or may not join. That way, I was free to join if I really wanted to, and no one would no know when or if I joined, so there would be no extra pressure.

With joint accounts, I don't know- I just feel like large amounts (over a hundred for me) need to be discussed first as a courtesy to the other person.

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I don't believe in miracles; I depend on them

No way! I just think that it isn't right to hide things from your partner. I tell my partner everything and he does me. Even if it is honey don't look at the CC statement until after christmas because He spluged and spend $300 on me. He at least told me about it.

We have a rule if its over $50 we talk it over before making the purchase.

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Kimberly Proud Mommy to Bethany Rose April 2006

For me, the problem is the feeling that one has to 'hide' their activities, especially from a spouse. So no, I don't think the decision is ethical.

However, in our case, I have asked hubby about these kinds of expenditures and he says he definately doesn't care. I'm not hiding anything from him. He just doesn't want to be bothered with the information. If he asked about our financial situation, I'd lay out everything for him in a heartbeat. He just never asks. I seriously worry that if I died or became very ill he wouldn't have a clue on what to do. I've tried showing him, leaving him documentation, etc but I'm not at all convinced he'd catch on until too late.

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"I've been rich and I've been poor but independently wealthy is where it is at."

IMO, no, it's not ok. It's not ok to "hide" spending that kind of money regardless of the budget or what it's for. It seems sneaky and that's not how a marriage works.

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Jennifer
dd Sarah 1/4/02
ds Brady 1/15/07

I don't see why it is considered "hiding" the expense - aren't grown ups allowed to spend ANY money just as their own money? My DH and I have an agreement that if it's under $500 and our budget is OK, go ahead. He doesn't have to aske permission from me. He's a grown up. He's responsible. Hence, the new stereo speakers in the living room that I had no idea he ordered. I don't think it's "hiding" because I don't think you need to get each others "permission" to spend some money. But you both have to be aware of the budget. For some people it might be a $50 limit, $100, $1000 limit. Works for us.
But what it comes down to, for me, is how tight is the budget? If it can be done without being late on bills, etc., then fine. If she's pinching a bit out of the grocery budget - fine too. If she's not paying things she's supposed to be paying - not fine. It's an investment in her long-term health, so it's not like she's springing for some expensive shoes or something.

I say a big no... because I don't think it is about money. You should not have to feel "pressure" from your dh, he should be supportive. Also, one lie ( albiet hid ) can turn into a snowball effect. What if someone "saw" you coming out of the gym or weight loss center? How would you be accountable for your time? I just think it is better to be honest.