I put this in Money Matters for a reason ... read on.

My Mom has been having some health problems this year. Nothing terribly serious. She needs surgery soon to remove 'a mass' but the doctors have told her they can tell from the MRI that it's not cancer. I get the feeling she thinks she doesn't have long to live (even though there is no reason to think otherwise).

In the last month she has put on about 20 lbs (she is already obese) and is spending money like it's going out of style. Just yesterday she showed up with bags and bags of new clothes for my kids, more then they'll ever need (yet she would be so offended if we gave them to someone else .. I sometimes hide them in the closet until they are officially grown out of them and then pass them on to a friend with the tags still on). Just now she took dd and bought her a brand new mountain bike after school with a new helmet (she already has one), and all the extras (extended warranty, bell, kickstand, etc) Then I found out through my SIL that she spent over $200 on my nephew yesterday! (He's 5.)

Is there anything I can do to help her and / or stop the shopping / eating binge. I don't feel I have a right to interfere in her finances ... she has a pension so it will never really run out completely but I'm at a loss on how to encourage her / help her when she is spending so much money so rapidly for what seems to be emotional reasons.

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Have you talked to your father about it? If so what does he say?

I don't have any advice, I wish I did...That's got to be hard to deal with.

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"It's time to move from what we can do, to what we must do, to what we will do." ~Hillary Clinton

Maybe you need to set up a conference with her doctor so he can assure her things will be fine. How old is she?

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You must be the change you want to see in the world ~ Gandhi

I wish I had some good advice. I know how stubborn parents can be. I don't know if anything you said or did would help. It is a difficult situation.

My Dad and I are really close so we've talked a lot about it. He says, "She's a classic shop-a-holic and when she gets stressed, she spends." I think he's feeling a bit lost too.

She's 64.

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Being a "fluffy" person myself, I know the first thing I do when I get stressed is eat. It's not right or helpful, but everyone has their own way of dealing with stress.

How long does she have before the surgery. If it's soon, I'd just ignore it and let her deal with it however makes her feel better. I would hope they would do it soon as you can't always tell cancer with MRI alone unless they've biopsied it.

Sorry I'm not more help, but I guess my recommendation is to not intervene. If anyone should, it should probably be your father.

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I wish I had some good advice. It's really hard to see parents age. Both my parents (age 65) have had health problems in the last year. My dad's knees/hips are really bad and he's stubborn about doing anything about it. All I can do is tell him I care about him and I want him to get them fixed. In the end, there's not much you can do. I can empathize; it's a powerless feeling. Have you talked to your mom about it, and simply let her know that you're concerned and that you care?

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She sounds depressed. She is using eating and shopping to self-medicate.

My main concern is that her benign tumor has caused off-spring, perhaps in her brain. A full body scan might be worthwhile. However, if she has had this problem in the past that is probably not the cause. It is possible she is so depressed she is preparing for 'the very end'. People who are planning suicide often do things to tie-up loose ends.

Since your dad is still alive, he needs to take his concerns about his wife to her doctor. She should see a psychiatrist. If dad can't do that alone, you certainly can accompany him as a support person.

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"I've been rich and I've been poor but independently wealthy is where it is at."

I don't think it's that bad. She isn't acting depressed and she does have a history of over spending and over eating when she is stressed .. it's just this is the worst either one has ever been.

In terms of the mass, they said it was liquid filled, and therefore not cancer as cancer is a solid. I pretty much had to drag that information out of her (and she was still very vague about it and could in fact be lying to me about it not being serious). She is the complete opposite of a hypochondriac. She refuses to complain even when it's legitimate. We have to drag her with threats to the Dr. They now have her on medication to reduce the size of the mass and then they will remove it. She is considering refusing the surgery. "I'd rather die then complain about anything", she told me recently. Such a stubborn woman. Fortunately our Dr is a family friend and knows her well enough to force the issue with her. She isn't acting depressed, just stressed. But I think you're right, she does need to see a physciatrist. But she thinks they are all quacks (I don't .. those are her issues) so there isn't a hope in 'H' 'E' double hockey sticks that she'll go. I
I'll chat with my Dad more about it today when I see him.

Thanks for everyone's advice .. it really helps.

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