I am very, very upset right now. I don't know how to react and what to do. My son is 9 and he always been a good child and very smart at school. He is my second ( i have 4 kids). He is a member at the Boy Scout and my brother in law (his uncle) is the leader. My son loves his Wii and I already have bought him 5 games for it. So, today he went with his uncle to some other leader in the boy scouts and they stayed at his house for a while. Tonight, my son brought one of his Wii games and told me that there was a cd under the other side where the instructions are that we never payed attention to it before. So, he is trying to make it seems like that we bought it that way so he can cover it up. I told him no way, and asked him where he got that wii game from. I after several attempt s , he admited that while they were at the other boy scouts leader, he took it and hid it in his pocket because he always was curious to play that game.
My husband is out of town for work so I called my brother in law (my son's uncle) and explained to him what happened, he immediately came over , took my ds in his car and had a long talk with him. They will go tomorrow to the other leader's house and give him back the game and appologize to him.

I never been in this situation before, I raised my kids to be honest and never thought that my son will do this. I gathered all the electronics in the house including, psp, wii, game boy, nintendo ds, and put everything away. Yes, he has all of these and he has a cell phone that we bought for him in case of emergency. He is grounded till I decide to stop it, he is not allowed for any fun time, he will not be allowed to eat with us at the table and of course no Tv, no computer.

I am just very sad right now and very upset at him. I don't know what did I do wrong. If feels like I am punishing myself. I never expected him to do this. I had a long talk with him tonight but I feel like this is not enough to prevent it from happening again. If he had the nerve to do it the first time, I am scared that he will do it again. What should I do???

I recently posted about my DD (age 7) and how she stole $10. Yes, we were very upset, but even more so because this is a bad habit of hers. Everytime we think we have punished her enough for her to get the message, she surprises us with doing it again. This time she didn't just take something of ours that she shouldn't have (one time she took our safety deposit box key - the box at the bank!). This time she stole the money from a school fundraiser. I was horrified.

So, I don't know how much feedback you want from me, since I have yet to curb my DD's bad habit. But here it is, nonetheless.

1) He has to own up to what he did. He isn't allowed to fudge on the story of what happened. The game didn't accidently slip into his pocket. He didn't 'borrow' it and mean to return it. He has to be able to clearly admit what he did wrong and why it is wrong.

2) He has to 'fix' the situation x3. In DD's case, her grounding isn't over until she #1 - pays the money back from whom she stole it (she spent it which is how she got caught), #2 - since she paid the money back out of her savings she has to re-fund that account, #3 - has to donate to charity what she stole (ie: the $10 or in her case, she bought books so she had to donate them to the school library - she couldn't keep ill-gotten-goods.)

3) On top of that she has to perform 'hard, physical labor'. She had to spend all day Saturday doing yardwork at home and on Monday she has to wash down the lunchroom tables at school. The labor pays us back for the problem she caused us and the school labor pays back the inconvenience she caused there.

4) She has to apologize personally to each person she harmed. In some cases, she wrote apology letters but other times she had to do it in person.

Now a word about forgiveness. When DD serves her punishment she feels elated. I know, weird. But she knew she was doing wrong and serving the punishment relieves her burden. When she serves her punishment, it makes her happy because she is doing RIGHT.

You have to give your child a chance to feel that joy. Instead of being mad at you for taking all his fun away, letting him serve a just punishment that will teach him a lesson. What do you want him to remember? That mom was mean and threw a hissy fit because he 'borrowed a game without asking', or that he knows how to make a mistake and FIX IT?

We all make mistakes. Hopefully, your son will learn from his. We're all human and imperfect. We deserve love and forgiveness just the same. Invite him back to the table, if nothing else but because he has to face you knowing that he failed in his honor. Make him own up to it like a man.

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I don't think you did anything wrong. He decided to try it because others do such things, they try to test their limits and because he saw and abused opportunity. He made a mistake, a bad one, and is bringing shame upon himself. Something like that is forgiven, not forgotten.

I think you are handling it very appropriately. The only comment I have on the punishment is I'm not convinced making him not eat with the family is the best option. Dinnertime should be a sharing and bonding time, and I just think it's appropriate to keep even closer tabs and keep that bond going. Can you substitute something else that's NOT food-related? You are coming down like a hammer on his head, and that's a good thing. He knows his actions are intolerable and you simply won't let him shame himself and his family, plus hurt others like that. He's also going against the entire Boy Scout image, which is another thing to bring shame. Boy Scouts are supposed to be upstanding citizens and the volunteers give their time and this one opened his home. To abuse that privilege and trust is so wrong.

I really hope he gets the message. And I hope he moves heaven and earth to earn back not only his things, but your trust and the trust of those he hurt.

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I can see why you are so upset. I would feel the same way. I do think that you are handling this appropriately with one exception. I do not agree with you not allowing him to eat with the family. I think it is important for him to know that although he did wrong, he is still an important part of the family. JMO

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Thanks for all the replies, I will let him eat with us on the table, this has never happened to us before so I am trying to be calm when I deal with it . I am trying to find the right punishment because I think just takong away his stuff is not enough because I want him to learn the lesson of life time so he will not do it again. What else I can do?

I agree on not letting him eat with you at the table.

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Tina Dalasinski

He stole something, but he is still your son and part of your family. I don't understand what banishing him from the table is doing to help. He made a bad decision, and he needs to fix it. If he feels that he will be banished if he makes mistakes, he may not come to you when he needs help in the future. I would suggest that you revisit that decision.

I think that EVERY kid steals something in their lifetime. Facing the people from whom he stole and losing his gaming privileges is a great lesson. Having the uncle come over immediately probably made a big impact too!

I like Cookie's idea of having to work to make up for the inconvenience he has caused also.

I also wanted to remind you that many times when we get "angry" with our kids, it is because we are really fearful, not angry. We are worried that our kids are not going to turn out the way we want them to, and this makes us react.

I hope your DS gets the point!

Marlene

I agree. I've always told my kids that no matter what they do I will love them. That I might be mad at them and I might be disappointed in them, but that I will always love them. So I would rethink the separation from the family.

I don't think you need to do anything else. All kids will make mistakes at some point in time. While I think it's important for them to understand there are consequences, I also think it's important for the lesson of WHY it was wrong to be more important than just punitive (not saying I don't support some punitive punishment because I do).

It sounds like the uncle handled it beautifully and exactly as I would have. That and taking away priviledges for a while is all I think would be necessary for a first offense. Now if he continues to steal, then I think the consequences should escalate.

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