My 5 1/2 year old ds has been giving us A LOT of issues lately (he is our middle child).

He talks back, he hits, he has a *fit* when he does not receive the answer he wants to hear, he runs away into his room or another place away from us, he yells at us, etc. Example - today I was going to the bathroom, he came right in the bathroom and asked where his yearbook was. I knew it was under a pile of papers in the kitchen that he would not find, so I asked him to wait one second and that I'd be right out. He said where is my yearbook, again I said wait one second, please shut the door. He got mad and slammed the door. I went out and told him he is to not speak to me like that and when he can tell me he is sorry & show me respect, he can come out of his room. (His bike was taken away from him all day today because of a HUGE blowout he had last night with me & my dh).

The bike is a major thing for him so I know by taking that privilege away as punishment is a good thing! But say that is taken away (like today), what do I do next? I'm beyond stressed. My head hurts. I'm sick of yelling. I'm sick of feeling like a failure with him. My dh feels bad because he is acting like this as well.

Now I know my ds will start acting like this when he is tired -- he hasn't taken a nap during the day since he was like 18 months old. He goes to bed between 8 - 9 (depends on what time dh gets home from work - he usually ends up playing around with them so it gets to be closer to 9pm -- dh has been getting better with not doing that and getting the kids to bed earlier). I cannot even get ds to use his words and tell me he is tired - instead he just acts out! Tonight he is going to bed at 7pm just to catch up on his sleep!

Any suggestions out there??????

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We have all been there! You are not a failure as a mom! It is a hard job! I think at that age they are first starting to show more independence and sometimes it comes off as rudeness. For example at that age I tried to help ds be more assertive because he is quiet and he tended to listen to other kids instead of doing what he really wanted to do. So he started to 'assert' himself and at first it came off as mouthy and rude. I had to help him 'fine ture' it so he got across what he wanted, but in a nice way!

First make sure you put him to bed earlier if you think he is tired! No offense, but I think expecting a 5.5 year old to tell he he is tired is unreasonable. Just put him to bed earlier or make sure dh does.

I'm not saying you do these things, so take it with a grain of salt. But if you are yelling at him, and he is yelling back at you, he is modeling your behaviour. Model the behaviour you want him to have. I don't know if you spank (like I said I'm not saying you Do do these things!) but if you do, if he hits that may be where he is learning it from.

I try to make appropriate consequences, not necessarily 'punishments'. For example, taking his bike away for something completely different to me doesn't make sense. I'm not a fan of time outs because they don't really work for us, but to me that would be a more appropriate consequence for acting rude - separate him until he is calm enough to join the family. I see by your post that you did that, so I think that is good. But I wouldn't use it as a 'punishment' (we do not 'punish' in our family) I'd just use it to calm him down. I know a lot of people think at 5.5 kids aren't ready for a real heart to heart conversation, so you have to do what you think is best. But, I've had several, "heart to heart" conversations with ds and they have helped greatly. I'll sit him down, and tell him (not in the heat of the moment, I always kind of catch him 'off guard' and he responds better) "You know the other day, when you asked me about the yearbook? That's not the way we ask for something in this family. I do not yell at you when I want something and I do not want you to yell at me when you want something", something along those lines. Respect goes both ways. Most of the time, if I want something done IF it's not urgent, I'll say, "Hey 'Johnny' when you get a chance, can you get me that book" or pencil, or whatever. I know this is not a very popular way of doing things BUT when my ds wants something, more often times than not he'll say to me, "mom, when you get the chance, can you get me ..."


I know sometimes an ounce of prevention works well for us. For example, if I don't intend in buying something from a store for ds, I tell him way before we get to that store. Then I refresh his memory when we enter the store. He knows what to expect and behaves as such.

For what it is worth, I don't think 7 pm is a too early time for a 5.5 year old especially if he's up early. I'd definitely speak to dh and make him get him to bed earlier. If he didn't, I'd make sure HE was the one to deal with ds when he got tired and acted out - I'd go so far as saying, "bye" and leaving dh with ds and have him deal with it for awhile.

I can't stress enough that your child is not going to tell you he is tired and to put him to bed. When he gets to the point you are describing, he's Way beyond that point anyway. Try him getting more sleep and see if that helps. I see the exact same behaviour with my neighbors kids that stay up until 10:00 and then are nasty all day. They are obviously exhausted and the parents just 'can't understand' why they act out.

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I sympathize with you. My five year old acts the same way when she is overtired. If I put her down for a nap then she cannot go to sleep at night. My best bet is to put them to bed at 7:30pm even if it still daylight and all our neighbors are still outside.

I do time outs for my five year and they work for us. She goes to her room and engages in an activity and calms down. She usually comes out and says she is sorry. I keep them short, 5 minutes usually. If she refuses time out, I will tell her she won't get to do something or I put something she is currently coveting in time out.

So sorry!!! It can be so stressful when your kids are having issues.
Funny, everybody I know seems to start having these issues when their kids are 5.
My dd started with the temper at 5. She is our oldest and we'd just had our second child, so it wasn't pleasant. We did eventually figure out what worked for her. Strangely, for that time period I found she was needing MORE sleep to stay happy. She needed at least 11 hours. I also had to make sure she ate well. It also helped to make sure she was engaged with something to do.
Other than that, when it came to consequences, at first we did as all parents did and she would lose priviledges for a day. That didn't work at all, because once we'd done that, we had nothing left. Finally we'd take away priviledges for one hour at a time, or until her behavior improved. (which was our goal in the first place!!) One she settled down and apologized, she got her priviledges back. Interestly, we found out how much she was struggling with emotions and feelings at that time. We'd explain that she was off priviledges until she could improve her behavior. she'd stomp around for a few minutes, then at one point she broke down and said "I just need you to help me!" I held her and she cried and cried until she felt better. She'd always say "I don't know why I was so mad".
Anyway, long story short--I don't think she was being difficult on purpose. 5-year-olds struggle so much with their feelings and emotions--I guess some are better at expressing them and understanding them than others. We are their only guide and the only ones they can look to to help them find tools to work thru what they are feeling. Whatever we teach them is probably what they will use to cope with anger and emotion for the rest of their lives. (YIKES)
Anyway, dd is 7 now and the issues are mostly gone. When she's upset, she does things that she knows will calm her down. In extreme meltdown cases, she will come straight to us for comfort. And she always apologizes without being asked to!

I was thinking about this and I've had a much harder time since school ended. My dd loved school and was ripped away from her school life and friends. Her best friend from preschool also moved away. She found comfort in her school schedule.

I've tried to keep them busy but our downtime has been increasingly difficult.

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Don't forget to give yourself a 'time out' when you need it! I just tell ds I need some time and I close the door behind me for a few moments. If I can't get away from him (he likes to follow me) I'll get on the phone and then go into a closet (walk in) for a few minutes. Sure beats saying something you can't take back!! Good luck, I'm sure it will work out fine.

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First of all, let me say that just because your 5.5 year old is acting up does NOT mean that you are a failure. I have 3 kids, 11, 13, and 15. Seems the one thing nobody tells you as a parent is that they just don't get it the first, or the second, or the 27th time. My youngest seems to get it almost right away, but the other two (both boys, hmmm...) have to be told over and over about things before it finally sinks in. You just have to take your emotions out of it, no need to yell or scream, just take away something he wants, time out, etc, while you remain calm. Make sure the punishment fits the crime, and after he has calmed down, talk about it with him. Ask him how he would like it if you yelled and screamed at him when you wanted something. Don't try to reason with him when you or he are upset. And just take a deep breath and realize that as he gets older, there will be other issues too. Just this last year have I finally noticed some maturity in my 15 year old, and have gotten lots of compliments from other kids parents, teachers, etc about what a wonderful kid he is, and I have to say, he has been my toughest one. Hang in there, we are all in the same boat!!

Thanks everyone! I'm going to try some of the ideas!

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