I don't have any advice just hugs.

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As children get older, our work as parents moves from one of benevolent dictator to one of wise mentor. Your daughter is above the 'age of reason' so it is time to set rules that make sense. Your goal is to give her life skills far beyond what she needs at the moment. You want to instill self-control, the ability to counter peer pressure, and tools for conflict resolution.

The first step is to remove the issue of who is right and who is wrong. The helmet issue right now seems to the message that you are all-knowing and correct while DD, all her friends, and their parents are completely wrong. It is worthwhile to acknowledge why the other parents haven't enforced a helmet rule. After all, some people see wearing a helmet as 'uncool', it is an added expense and one more thing to remember. Additionally, millions of children have ridden bikes for decades and not needed a helmet. It seems so safe just a few miles down the road in a quiet neighborhood.

From your point of view, however, a helmet rule makes sense. First of all, while a toddler on a tricycle probably won't need a helmet except in a rare, odd circumstance, but parents have them wear them because it is a good habit to instill early. When that little kid grows up and starts using a bike on busy streets in order to commute to work, a helmet, just like a seatbelt, will be hardly an after-thought.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, if DD should get seriously injured because she failed to wear her helmet, who will suffer? While a serious injury will make YOU very sad, it is DD who will pay the price the most. It is her life that will be forever changed. She is the one who has to live with the scars. She is the one who has to deal with her loss of abilities. She is the one who has to start deciding if being cool for the moment is more important than the price she might pay forever down the road.

I would stress that DD's reaction to your rule enforcement is exactly why she isn't allowed to make these decisions for herself. She has yet to demonstrate the maturity to consider the consequences of her actions.

Taking the privilege of riding her bike for a while is a good reminder than, if she should be forever disabled because she failed to wear her helmet, she probably won't be able to ride a bike for the rest of her life.

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@ ruthie:

omg, that is so sad about your friends. it does teach an important lesson, though, even though the situation was horrible.

I Know That this is A Tough one.
Well anything you feel strongly about is tough when your Kids don't Agree.

There is ONE kid in here who wears a Helmet.

And I See him take it off at the top of the Road When He is out of his moms sight and Playing with other boys his Age.


BUT if It is an Important issue in your Household that your kids wear a Helmet. , I Would Not allow your DD to ride the bike period .
Unless you are sure that she wears a helmet and Keeps it on.

The helmet issue is huge in our house. Dh and I are avid cyclists and always wear a helmet when riding our bikes and expect our kids to do the same. We feel so strongly about helmet use that if we ever caught any of our kids riding without a helmet we would probably donate their bike to Goodwill. Luckily for us our kids are used to seeing people with helmets and don't question it at all. On post kids need to wear a helmet, MP's will confiscate bikes and ticket parents for not following the rules, which I think is great.

I want to send a your way and I hope that the situation with dd improves.

That is good!

I agree it is MUCH easier to enforce things when you can back it up with PROOF that you are right.

Hey Sonja - everyone is giving you such great advice and encouragement. Of course, sending hugs your way.

Also, I have an idea for the future. At one of the schools I taught at, we had a group come in and do a bike rodeo with the kids. It was great.... they explained road safety and the importance of helmets. They taught the kids how to wear clothes to make them visible to cars, turn signal hand signs, the "right of way" rules, etc. After their presentation/demonstration, they actually set up an obstacle course on the black-topped area of the playground and allowed the students turns to ride their bikes (with helmets on) through it.

Possibly, you could talk to your PTA, Family Resource Center, etc. at the school about funding such a program. Possibly, the local police department or transportation department could come up with a program. A bunch of parents could pull this off as well.

Sonja, I wish I had some good advice for you. Instead, I can say that I understand what you're dealing with. My daughter is the same age and all of a sudden in the last few months it seems like she's been more angry at my rules and more argumentative. It's really hard to remain calm. I know I've lost my cool and yelled at her and then ended up feeling horrible about it. Set your rules and stick by them - no matter how hard she makes it for you. It will serve you (and her) in the end.

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My niece was like that at 8 and at 10 she is just as bad. SIL swears that advil is her best friend somedays. Here is an interesting punishment for you- when my niece hit SIL (she was 8), she picked her up and put her in the shower and turnned the cold water on. SIL informed her that she needed to cool off and when she was, that she could come out. So far my niece has never hit her again and my niece still talks about how her mom told her to cool off and she did. Good luck and hopefully this phase will go fast.

I know it's after the fact, but I do think you should talk to her about the hitting. It was out of anger, and perhaps she needs some guidance on how to handle her anger, along with a definitive punishment put in place if she ever DARES touch you or anyone in such a way.

As far as the helmet, you've been here for a long time, and I know you've heard me tell this story. This definitely relates to your comment about being the "uncool" mom.

In high school, a very pretty, very popular girl, one of the "coolest" of the cool bunch made such a decision. In 1980, none of us wore helmets on our bicycles, although our dads did on their motorcycles! She had a great future, cute boyfriend, good grades, good money, between that and her good grades and extracurriculars (including as a cheerleader), was lining up top colleges and was getting her career path planned. In other words, this girl had EVERYTHING going for her. I'm told I'm not the only one who remembers her when we ensure our kids wear helmets. Of course kids (including us as 18 year olds) never think it will happen to us.

This info can be verified, including with pictures and news articles. Our Senior yearbook was dedicated to her, but of course, she never knew that.

Such a waste of a brilliant mind.

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