Ds told me tonight that some of the boys in his class are calling him 'fat' and teasing him. He BEGGED me not to tell the teacher and said, "It was ok. It doesn't matter. I like who I am and that's all that matters." Yet the school has zero tolerance on bullies. Do I go against ds's wishes and tell at the risk of him never telling me anything again or do I just listen to his wishes and not tell?

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I wouldn't go against his wishes right now. If it does get worse and seems to be bothering him more, I'd have a word with his teacher. But I'd tell him ahead of time that I was going to talk to her and why.

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-- William Graham Sumner

If it were me and this was my son, this would be my thought process:

I think if this is the first time it happened, I would let it go. If it becomes a "thing" with this kid, I would consider that bullying rather than just someone being mean. Is there a difference? Yes. Bullies target people and are relentless. If he turns into a bully, than I would speak to the teacher.

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Oh I'm so sorry. I'm not looking forward to those years. I think this is what I'd do: I would first talk to ds ASAP. First, I would tell him that you are so proud that he has such great self-esteem. Then I think I would have a heart to heart with him on how he can 'verbally' defend himself. Do some role playing, do some research, try to empower him so that he just doesn't have to endure the teasing, try to see if he can actually Stop the teasing.

Then I would tell him that you will be asking about how things are progressing every few days. I'd tell him that you are Not going to promise him that you aren't going to contact his teacher. You'll see how it is progressing - if you feel that he is handling matters and that the teasing has stopped, then you will let Him handle it. The sticky part is letting him know this, but not actually telling him that you are going to pick his brain about it. You want to keep him talking, so you know what is going on, and so he does not gloss it over so it seems OK but isn't. I'm not sure how you are going to handle that.

Then if after he is empowered with tools he needs to defend himself and get the bad behaviour to stop, you will let it go until #1 it either starts again or #2 it gets physical. Then I'd tell him you will need to get involved.

Good luck

Been there. It's bullying, period. I emailed the teacher and asked her to keep an eye on it. She did and caught the boy in the act of being mean. It was perfect b/c no one knew that he was told on.

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I would say something and hope the teacher is smart enough to handle it without it being obvious that your son "tattled".

I would call and talk to the teacher directly (as opposed to email or a note) and let her know what is going on, your son's concerns etc

At our school - name calling like that is a BIG deal. Our vice principal takes it VERY seriously. Last year I got really upset about a particular child on my younger son's bus, and called up all hot...LOL. The vice principal was SO nice and talked me off the ledge - told me what my options were, how they protect the confidentiality of the child etc I didn't end up doing anything at the time, but I felt so much better just talking to her.

I think it is good to give him tools to deal with it...both of my sons have dealt with 'teasing' - I don't know that I would call it bullying in their cases. My older son deals with it really well. He's able to shrug it off, give the other kid some lip etc My younger son is more sensitive and he tends to take things to heart. He'd come home all sad because someone said his shoes were ugly. Since I'm a huge volunteer person, I know all the school counselors, just from working in the office. I chatted with them about what I could do to empower him and some of the things she suggested worked for him. It just depends on the child...I think it's easy for an adult to say "oh just ignore them" - sometimes, that's not so easy IMO.

I really like the idea of giving him some tools to use and role play ideas. I don't know what to tell him to say though.

My gut instinct was to tell him to say, "Well I can lose weight. You'll always be ugly." but that was just my mean mama instinct rearing it's ugly head. I wouldn't actually teach him to say that.

What should he say?

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I wish I had advice to offer--I don't--but wanted to comment on how mature your son is!! I was very impressed when I read your post. It sounds like he is "above" being teased and fends for himself very well. You should be proud!
Hope all goes well for him. He has a good head on his shoulders!!

You might consider calling the school counselor (if you have one) and ask her for some tips you can suggest to him to help him deal with it.

What's aggravating about the whole thing is that if you (general you) don't 'tell'...the kids doing it 'win'. JMO I've struggled with this as a parent, and it's so frustrating. You honor your child's wishes, and don't talk to the teacher or other parent and struggle with trying to figure out how to deal with it on your end. What is wrong with that picture!? Ugh! Sorry...my frustration coming out. LOL

I'm trying to remember all what the counselor told me...I have encouraged my son to talk back, but I don't encourage him to say mean things, and he wouldn't want to do that anyhow.

So he says things like "So?!?" in an annoyed voice. Or "what exactly is your point?" Or he'll imitate the person in a tiny annoying voice...you know, repeating exactly what the person says. LOL How annoying is that?! When someone is repeating. LOL! But that doesn't work with comments about someone's body.

He could say something "THANK YOU! You're SO KIND!" in a sarcastic voice.

He could say "blah blah blah" and just walk away. Stick his tongue out. Cross his eyes. Say something like "can't you think of anything else to say?" etc

Do you have other kids? I brainstormed with my younger son about what annoying things he did to his older brother (and vice versa) and how he could use those "tools" to deal with obnoxious kids.

My younger son told me once about a little girl in his class that just started saying REALLY LOUD, when kids were teasing her "STOP TELLING ME I'M UGLY!". The teacher knew about it immediately, and took care of the kids doing the teasing, but the kids in a way - outed themselves...kwim? They weren't anticipating that she would do that. The other kids were making fun of her glasses, saying she was ugly.

For my son, for a long time, he never said a peep. When he finally got the courage to talk back, the first time, he was SO empowered! He came home with a big smile on his face! So for him, he felt like he was taking charge of the situation and not being a victim to it.

I'm a bit of a pain as a parent, because if I find out who is doing the teasing, I might not be able to control myself when I'm near the parent. LOL

We had one kid teasing my son, and I found out she was on our swim team. I was standing with other parents, and my son indicated to me, that's Ally, she's the one that said _________ and _______ to me. And it went on for MONTHS. So the next time I was waiting with other parents, the situation just presented itself when the Mom introduced herself to me and introduced the child to me too! LOL! I said "Oh! It's good to finally meet you! DS has been telling me how you make fun of him every day on the bus! You know, how you say _______ and ______. It's really been such a joy meeting you!" and I walked away. She hasn't made fun of DS since. Needless to say the Mom doesn't go out of her way to talk to me either. I'm okay with that! LOL! Now, that could have totally backfired on me too. I'm not usually confrontational, but sometimes, as a mother...you can't help yourself.

Teasing/bullying has been around since the beginning of time. It will never go away, despite the good intentions of parents/teachers etc It's a really unfortunate part of life. Helping your kid deal with it, is so hard. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son.