Little backround: Spring 2006 DS #1 played soccer. We met a nice family that turns out live directly behind us. They have a son the same age and their younger son is a year older than my DS#2. The dad decided to coach fall soccer that year and asked if we wanted him to be "frozen" on his team. We said yes. My DH was the assistant coach and I was the team mom. Our two older boys fought like cats and dogs in a competitive way. It drove all of us parents crazy. They were still good buddies though.

Luck would have it the boys ended up in the same kindergarten class. They caused a few problems at the begining of the year, but mellowed out. We all agreed for 1st grade it would be beneficially that they not be in the same class. Easy fix. We would walk to school with them until after Thanksgiving break - he just stopped showing up in the morning without notice. He started to ask another mom to watch his child after school if he needed help. I asked him if I did anything to offend him and he said no.

The classroom was very friendly and many of the parents became good friends doing things outside of the class. In doing so, the dad started to extend himself to a couple of the moms (one of which was the one who started to watch his sons). I felt uncomfortable and started to back off. I expressed my concerns to my DH who noticed the signs as well. In the end the dad decided to join the same church as the other two moms. He clearly made it a point to tell everyone I was Jewish. Not that I cared, but I thought it weird.

Throughout the rest of the school year he would keep outings a secret and exclude my son. I know I shouldn't care because we don't need a negative influence on our kids, but it bothered me. We still invited them to our parties (and the other families he was now friends with) because their kids were our child's friends.

Well the other day his son was talking about his birthday party and what he got and who was there. I was really taken back. We are neighbors and the boys still play together, yet we were not invited. Yet two months ago we were invited to his younger son's party. He says hello and nice to see you like it were no big deal. My DH talks with him about all sorts of family and other issues every morning during drop-off.

I don't get it. My DH is bothered too- which is a rare thing, because nothing ever bugs him of this nature. It is almost like now that he has "new" friends and a place to belong he doesn't need or want us to be his friends.

I feel bad for the boys. He is really making it hard for them to be buddies.

Thoughts? Why is this bugging me so much?

__________________

We're in a similar boat, except our kids are in different schools. The younger child always comes out to play, and the older, who is my son's age, is either busy inside or visiting others. I'm not sure if it's the parents or the child, but I took it personal for a while (still do sometimes). My dh keeps reminding that I can't let others ruin my day. So, I've learned/learning to take it in stride. It's their loss...

I'm not sure I helped you..but maybe you'll feel better knowing you're not alone..

I think because you are Jewish.

adding to my post: If he is now hanging with an all Christian crowd, he may be purposely leaving you out, so you won't feel
"awkward" around these people, and vice versa. He may not want his new friends to feel awkward around you.

It could be that and/or many other reasons. You did mention the boys not getting along. I'm sure your son has friends in school, invite them over and forget about these people.

How is this affecting your kids? If they don't seem bothered by the loss of a friendship, try to not let it bother you either. It's sad for all of you but if this dad has decided to not be friends with you then there's not much you can do about it. I know it hurts, this has happened to me and my kids before, but you'll soon get past it.

That is sad. And I agree it feels like a rejection.

The thing is you have to examine ... did you do anything wrong? You've obviously been friendly and extended a friendship to them. If they felt bothered by something you did they either should be adult about talking to you about it or they think the issue is something you can't change OR they don't care about maintaining a friendship.

I recommend that you simply continue to observe their actions (not just their words) to see if these are the kind of people you want to be friends with. The friendship simply might not work out. Those things happen. It's a loss, but it also isn't something we have control over.

Like you, I've been hurt when other people who I thought were becoming friends seemed to suddenly change their mind and suddenly excluded me. I feel particularly hurt when the failed friendship also impacts my DD's social life. I feel like such a failure as a mom But in at least two cases, I've been vindicated. I learned later that those people really turned out to be the kind of people I wouldn't have liked to know.

__________________
"I've been rich and I've been poor but independently wealthy is where it is at."

My blogs:
Oh!: http://oh-cookie.blogspot.com/
The Foundation Club: http://thefoundationclub.blogspot.com/
12 Months to a Homemade Christmas: http://12monthstoahomemadechristmas.blogspot.com/
Experiences, Not Things: http://experiencesnotthings.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to be friends on Facebook, PM me.

[quote=freebiemom;822335]How is this affecting your kids? quote] My DS #1 will ask me why he wasn't invited to things when he finds out they are all doing or have done something together. It is hard to explain time after time. We try to keep it positive and upbeat.

[quote=Cookie2;822352]That is sad. And I agree it feels like a rejection.

The thing is you have to examine ... did you do anything wrong?

I recommend that you simply continue to observe their actions (not just their words) to see if these are the kind of people you want to be friends with.
quote]

I think it is a rejection feeling. Kind of like in high school. Cliques are horrible and it almost has the makings of this as I reflect on it. If he saw me parking while he was getting out of his car, he would wait. Then all of a sudden he would wait for the other ladies and just ignore me. The other women wouldn't even acknowledge me - it was weird. I just blew it off. Then they all started to do EVERYTHING with each other. They all do the same sports and freeze their kids to the same team, they joined the same church and have a small group study on Friday nights, they all joined the same gym, they watch each others kids, they have pool parties & BBQs. They seriously know when the other person is taking a dump - no privacy at all. I told DH I like having friends, but that is a bit much for me. I'm more private than that.

I point blank asked him if I or my DH did anything wrong and he said no.

That is what my DH said. In which case it is a bunch of BS in our book. He was anti religion before he met these people and we were friends. Now he is all involved and teaches Sunday school in less than 6 months time. I don't fault him for finding religion, I just question if he is doing it for the right reasons or if it is just social and to fit in. Either way it is shallow to treat someone so differently just because of religion.



DH and I are just concerned that since we live so close to each other and the boys attend the same school - they are bound to get on another sports team toghether or same class in the next 12 years. I know we shouldn't pre-worry, but it is hard.

I had to deal with the prejudices of religion growing up - I don't want my kids to be excluded for something like that - they are too young to understand this right now. Let them make their choices of friends now and decide on their own later.

I have tried to arrange playdates with other kids in his new class as well as on his sports teams. It is just hard with schedules. I know you are right that this family and the other families involved with the group are just not worth it. Time will heal this and all will be water under the bridge.

Just hard to explain to DS why we are not buying the "toy" he wants to get his friend for his friend's b-day. DS still thinks the kid is 5 because he hasn't gone to his 6th b-day party.

__________________

Well I guess I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's because you're Jewish. If he's still friendly with you and all I would think it might be more that his son just doesn't want to be friends with your son any more. I know that even if I was friends with parents, if their child and mine clashed and frequently fought then I probably would not invite that child to my child's activities. But I can see how you'd be hurt. I think there's not much that hurts worse than feeling like our children are being excluded....I know from experience. I agree to just continue being friendly with them, but perhaps have your DS pursue other friendships and not point out that this one isn't going so well. Maybe when the boys are a bit older they'll get closer again.

__________________

They still play together at school. They seek each other out on the playground or to eat snack/lunch with each other. They ask to have playdates after school and the dad is always making up excuses. IF we are walking into the school at the same time he tries to call his son over and away from us. The boys play more like brothers - they are friends yet competitive. The dad is frustrated because me son is more coordinated & athletic.

That is why this situation bugs me so much. I could deal with the dad not wanting to be my friend - he just needs to get over himself. I hurt for my boys.

The situation is definitely more controlled by the dad. Mom is friendly and talks with no hesitation. She is a pediatrician and he is a SAHD.

__________________

Maybe he took it wrong that you didn't want the kids in the same class. You could always call him and tell him how you're feeling and ask him what the problem is.