Let me start out by saying I am not intending on starting a faith war on this post, so please this is not my intention....

My husband is an all or nothing guy. He is either super lazy or will get up and build a composite deck the building inspector gushes over. He either will pork up on cheetos and beer or will bike 20 miles and lose 30lbs in two months...that type of thing.

When we met, we were in college and things were great. Over a summer he found Jesus, became born again and over the next year he morphed into someone I didn't know and really didn't like. Jesus was his everything and he spent so much time reading the bible, going to services, etc that he went from being on the dean's list with an academic scholarship to losing that scholarship and being on academic probation due to never studying or going to class. His relationships with his siblings, close friends and myself really suffered because we were all deemed "sinners" and he was forever preaching about how we were living our lives incorrectly. We ultimately broke up because we were "unevenly yoked" and because I refused to say that magic phrase that would make me born again (and i guess more acceptable)

2 yrs later he woke up (as i call it) and corrected his extremeism...and things have been great for the past 10 yrs. Married, kids, great job, etc.

It's starting again. Through some guy at work,he's found a church he likes, he's going on his own, starting to read the bible alot again, he's beginning to forget the kid responsiblities (since he's reading the bible and loses track of time) and beginning to get on my case again about my liberal thinking and beliefs.

So, as a wife now (and he is the sole breadwinner) I am scared to death. Im nervous that our marriage will be badly damaged, that he'll start influencing the kids against me and he'll change - not knowing what to expect job wise, career wise, marriage wise...etc. I dont know if I should put my foot down or let him "do his thing" and cross my fingers that i dont turn into the new "public enemy" and in need of saving.

I cant do counseling - he wont go to a non-faith counselor and the last time I went with him, the pastor spent over 3 mos trying to get me to be born again...thus not getting us anywhere..

so how do i handle the new mate in my husbands life? Cant compete against Jesus - I lost out the last time...

thoughts?

I'm sorry. I also have a DH that is a bit or a all or non personality and, from time to time, the religious bell does ring for him. I'm not anti-religion at all (though I sometimes sound like it) how do I handle it? Truthfully, I don't usually mind unless the church really starts bugging me instead of focusing their energy on him.

This probably isn't a lot of help -- I just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone with this type of husband.

Here is my thoughts on this.... First of all I hope I don't come off as a bible thumper or anything I am not trying to so if I do I am sorry. I don't think you should be jealous or against your dh's relationship with Jesus. I understand you don't want that for yourself personally but I don't think you should discourage him from having one if he so chooses. Being married to someone means to support them in any decision they make as long as it is not going to phsyically hurt anyone or is illegal. With that being said It sounds like he has a great passion for his religious choice. I think maybe if you talk to him and support his decisions (not saying you have to choose them for yourself) then maybe you guys can meet in the middle somewhere.

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I'd say go to a marriage counselor of your choice, alone.

Being I'm not a Christian, I do understand fully how uncomfortable and overbearing one can be when they push their faith just too hard. I can understand when you say you "can't compete against Jesus".

But yeah, I'd find a counselor YOU like, and find a good, positive way to sit down and tell him that you are married to him as a man, not as a diciple. He can have his faith, but he must put the needs of his family - you and the kids - first. If your marriage vows included "for better or for worse", he needs to remember that, and not judge you. He can have his Bible time, but it needs to be when it won't interfere with his duties as a father and husband. For instance, my "reading" time is when we go to bed - and most of the time, DH falls asleep LONG before I do. I can read for half an hour or two hours, so though I get lost in my books, no one is affected.

DH's and my marriage is not "evenly yoked" he's an atheist of sorts, kinda into Native American beliefs, likes mythology. I'm Buddhist, but don't have a shrine or go meditate anywhere. However, my faith is very strong, and always growing. It doesn't affect how I think of DH one bit - it tells me instead to keep striving to be a good, humble, and honest person, and of course to treat him with love, forgiveness and compassion. So I guess, what I'm saying here is one CAN have a strong faith that isn't the same as the mate, and still respect and be helpful to their mate.

Unfortunately, I've not had too many very good experiences with very strong Christians. The only good ones I can think of are my neighbors - the wife is a total thumper, but is a very good person for the most part - I like her, and I can ignore her when she gets going about "Praise the Lord!". The husband is much more laid back, though he sings in the choir at their church, and both are extremely active in the church. They still live by the idea that they must be kind and good to all. Of course, the shrine in their living room to the "unborn" freaks me out (she's a very active Right to Life activist), they still are good people.

I've not had enough coffee, and I'm rambling.

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I moved this into MIND, BODY SOUL Kelly.

Is this something you two could do together; does it have to be separate? Is there a faith/church that you would also feel comfortable in and that you could make it a family affair?

Am I right in reading that it is not so much the religion part that you do not like, it is your husband becoming totally lost to it? Perhaps that is the part you can talk to a counselor about. Even a faith based counselor or pastor can see the need for your husband to fulfill his responsibilities as a father and as your husband. That responsibility to our families is a much bigger part of Christianity than "calling sinners to repentance". Even Christ, while dying, turned to his disciples and asked them to care for his mother.
The other part is that it sounds like your husband needs to be reminded that the way in which Christ taught was always with love. Belittling and tearing down is not how He would have us treat others, especially those whom we love.

My suggestion would be for YOU to find a faith based counselor who will focus on THESE issues for your family. They are destructive. Talk to the counselor first, by yourself, about what you are struggling with. Let them know that you want to support your husband and need their help in your marraige but that this is not the time to talk about converting.
Perhaps you can talk to your husband about going to church functions and special church services like Christmas or Easter so he can feel your respect for his faith.
I hope this helps.

I feel for you, sweetie.
One of the many things that went wrong with my marriage to my ex was religious differences. He knew when we were dating that I was an ex-Christian, and I knew that he was Christian. I was willing to occasionally attend services with him, but was not interested in returning to Christianity.
I joined the Unitarian Church after we got engaged, in large part because my spiritual beliefs are drawn from many different paths, and they are open to my sort of eclecticism, and he got mad because I didn't consult him first. I didn't think I needed his permission. Apparently, it was critical to him that we belong to the same church, and he wanted to find a Christian church that we could join together - this despite the fact that me joining a Christian church would make me 47 kinds of hypocrite. He finally decided to join the UU church even though he didn't consider himself a Unitarian, in his words, "for the sake of unity." I encouraged him to find a church that he really felt a part of, but he refused. Instead, he attended with me, but constantly put the church down. He also kept trying to convince me that I was still Christian deep down, and wanted me to pretend to be around his family.
When, after a good deal of exploration, and a particularly meaningful series of classes relating to the divine feminine at the UU church, I realized that most of my beliefs fit into the Neo-Pagan spectrum, and began identifying myself as Pagan. That really pissed him off, and he became extremely antagonistic and derisive of my faith.

When my husband and I began dating, the subject of religion came up fairly early in our relationship. I told him what my beliefs were, that I was not interested in converting, and that if my religion was a problem for him, there was no need to continue our association. His position was that since his relationship to the divine was not something he would ever allow anyone else to dictate to him, it would be wrong in every way imaginable for him to try to dictate someone else's. (He's not Christian either, btw. His path and mine overlap in many ways, and are widely different in others. Those parts of our paths that we can walk together, we cherish. Those parts that we each walk alone, we give each other the necessary space).

I told you all that to say this.
Everyone has their own spiritual path to walk, and no one has the right to try to drag someone else onto a path they aren't interested in following. If your husband wants to walk with Jesus, that's fine for him, but he needs to stop evangelizing you, and he needs to understand that he still has a responsibility to take care of his family.

I agree with the advice to find a counselor you like, even if he won't go with you. I would also seriously consider finding a job, since he has a history of taking off when you refuse to convert.

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If having a relationship with Jesus means hurting your family, then IMO it's not a real relationship.

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I'm thinking also not so much a religious issue, cause it could be anything. It seems he is having a hard time with balance. He gets obsessed in his interest and everything and everyone gets put to the way side. Because his interest right now is religious it's harder to approach it as being a "problem".
But anything that causes the rest of your life and people in it to suffer is a problem. And I would say it's not Jesus it's his inability to focus on anything else. I think Jesus would agree! He needs to consider the needs of others.
Religion is a great thing and should be in your life, but not the only thing in his life!

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"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous

I feel for you - I don't know what I would do if this happened to me. But I do agree that neglecting the kids and such is not part of the package. I would try to reign him in. Or try to guide him to a church that is not so extreme that you can both participate in. Good luck.

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