Simplifying friendships.

Have you ever had a friend break up with you? I have and it hurts. But other friendships just seem to drift away with time. How can we simplify friendships?

There are two kinds of people. There are ones that give you energy and others that drain you of energy. This has very little with what is going on in their lives but more with who they are as a person. A friend can be seriously hurting and yet you feel strengthened when you are around her. Others just seem to drain the life right out of you. I have both kinds of friends. I haven’t broken up with any of them but over the past few years I’ve stopped initiating activities with people who drain my life of energy or who are constantly critical. Sometimes with family, we don’t have a choice, but with friends we do.

Is there a friend who makes you feel like a better person just by hanging around her? Is she someone who can share with you openly and listen attentively when you need to talk? If so, cherish that friendship. Call her or write her a little note. Put her birthday on your calendar. Carve out some time for her during your week.

Is there someone else where when you see her number on the caller ID, you sigh, or pretend your not there? Is there someone who is constantly critical of other people and you have nagging thoughts that you wonder what she is saying about you when you’re not around. Do you feel tired or worn out after a visit? Your life is too short to give too much time to people who drain you of your energy. You may not want to ‘break up’ with her, although sometimes it needs to come to that, and is appropriate when done gently. Just because you’ve known her for years, perhaps she was even in your wedding party, or your 6th grade graduation class, doesn’t mean that the friendship is healthy.

You only have so much time in your life. Spend it with people who make you a better person, with those who share with you and with whom you can share your life stories.

Are there any friendships you need to simplify?

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I have both types of these friends myself. The friend (only ONE like this) that is the "dreaded" friend. Sorry to say but she has drained my spirit and happiness SO many times. We have known each other for 25 years and as she has gotten older..she has gotten even more negative than the year before. it does not matter the conversation...she will be negative about something and have something bad to say about every single person that is mentioned throughout the convo. WHY are people like this....I would be one miserable soul if this were my life. Never finding the good in anything must be a terrible way to be.
I have really pulled away from this friendship...not answering the phone, stopped planning times to get together and have even backed my children off from going there and spending much time. In addition to being super negative she is one of those types that knows MORE about every subject than you could possibly know. She has done it before you, better than you and bigger than you. It drives me MAD. I have to pray much over this person!! LOL.

My entire life I've chosen not to surround myself with people who are negative or "drain me of energy." So I don't have any friends like that. I did find who my "true" friends were after I had children. I had a couple friends that I had known for about 10 years (we worked at the same McD's while in high school.) After I had my son they wouldn't come around anymore and when I tried to make plans with them they would always be sure to ask if I was going to bring my son. That to me, was a deal breaker. If you can't handle my son, you can't handle me. I didn't "break up" with these friends but I did cut off contact with them. ESPECIALLY after I invited them to my wedding and they didn't show. Those types of people, I don't need in my life.

My other friends I've known since grade school and they are the greatest friends that I could ask for!

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Ugh...can I relate!

I've simplified my friendships, got rid of toxic ones for good (even a 30-year one) and now have a handful of really wonderful friends. I don't do high-school drama well, nor do I appreciate caddyness or backstabbing. Those friends have hit the high road because of my boot!

Life's too short. Choose your friends wisely.

I can relate to this perfectly. I have had many of those draining bad friends. I haven't really ever had any real friends. Thats really pathetic I know. I am trying to get rid of people that bring me down. I just wont have any friends. This is weird because I just woke up about 10 mins ago and one of these friends were on my mind. I have known her since elementary school but she isn't a good friend. We don't really talk anymore. My question is....How do you get rid of these bad friends? I try but I guess I never am able to actually stick to my guns I always give in. Help me please. I guess I am scared I will have no friends. I guess I am just used to bad friends because thats pretty much ALL i know. But I really don't want bad friends anymore. I want some REAL friends. I don't want Noah growing up thinking its ok for people to be mean and rude and things like that.

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Interesting thread. I am struggling with this, I have a friend that I have known for over 20 years, she doesn't drain me of my energy, but we are definitely growing apart, and she has done some very unforgetable things recently. I would love to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like I have been doing that for years now, and enough is enough. If we get together we have a good time, so it is very hard to make a final decision on the friendship.

As for positive friendships, I have many more of those...what is that old saying "if you can count your closest friends with one hand you are doing good" or something like that. I can definitely count 5 VERY CLOSE friends, friends who would be there for me no matter what! So I am very blessed!

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I really don't continue relationships that aren't positive in my life...what would be the point? So I don't have any friendships that are toxic, or negative or anything.

I do have a couple friends who take a lot of energy because of negativeness and I just try to limit time with them. (Not too hard since I have moved and haven't made many friends in this town, yet.) What you really are showing me, though is HOW can I be a more positive friend. I don't want my friends to ditch me because I drain them and I don't want people to ignore me or not want to be around me because I am a negative influence. This really gave me something to think about!

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Are they in close proximity to you or a long drive away? The further away they are, the easier to let go. If they are far away, I would say, just stop calling them. If they call you, keep it short and sweet; like 5 mins and tell them you have to jump...you were on your way out, etc. or something needs your attention. Sooner or later, they may get the message.

Then again, even if they are far away, if the things they do are very hurtful and you are constantly trying to repair or mend your broken heart/feelings, I'd say be honest. Tell that friend that you respect yourself enough to disconnect from the hurtfulness of her ways. If it's a friendship that's just going nowhere and she's not all that bad, just slowly disconnect.

However, if these friends live nearby and you are connected through your neighborhood/school system, just limit your time as much as possible. Don't do anything to suggest you're still into the friendship (i.e. having them for coffee, calling, etc.) Let it disconnect on it's own. However, if these friends are also abusive in some sort of way, I'd be honest as well.

I think as women, we are nurturers. And, to hurt someone's feelings by disconnecting with them (even if they are no good for us) we feel guilt. We need to put ourselves and our emotional status high on the list. Enough of putting up with people just because we're afraid to make a move. Nothing changes until action is taken.

Good luck! I hope you find some really true friends who share your values and who respect you.

Out of the friends from highschool, there are just a few left, and I don't talk to them much. Some are far away, and others I just don't have anything in common with. I have a lot of new friends at church, and the relationships are just starting to grow. I don't really have a best friend. I am reading a really good book called Grown Up Girlfriends that is very good. It is about dealing with relationships with different friends.

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"The Christian does not think that God will love us because we are good, but God will make us good because he loves us."- C.S. Lewis