I was just talking to a friend of mine this AM... she was mentioning her daughter's b-day and how they had to invite every kid in the class and how she wasn't looking forward to the influx of gifts...

So I asked: do you have to have a party every year? Do you have to invite every kid in the class? I never had a birthday party other than with family until I was in fifth grade! And I only invited 6-8 of the girls, not the whole class.

My friend seemed pretty shocked about that. She said that if they didn't invite everyone, then her daughter would stop getting invited, and then she'd be the only kid not going to all the parties. Then her daughter would be left out and crying, the school would call her in, it would be horrible and damaging, etc. Her daughter just started kindergarten.

So then I asked: How do you control this? Parties first, then it escalates to cell phones, cars, trips to Europe... because everyone else does it and your kid can't get left out?

Her response was: well, if you homeschoool you don't have to worry about this.

But the whole conversation has made me sick. How do you keep things in check? Is the birthday scene really so viscious? How do you apporach this in moderation?

How do you teach kids that less is more with this type of mentality prevailing? Will my kids be scarred for life if I don't jump onto the treadmill?

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I don't believe in miracles; I depend on them

I agree, it's a lot competitive. Someone always ends up getting their feelings hurt. We pretty much invited ds's whole class to his birthday at the zoo, except for 2 problem children, which worked out because the parents didn't list their addresses in the book anyway for invitations (tells you something right there). However, we started getting calls from parents who didn't want the siblings left out of a zoo party, wondering if they could bring the siblings. Some offered to pay the extra $20 a head it would have cost us. It was crazy. The zoo said that most parents understand not to bring siblings, but that was just not true; the parents felt that if one was invited, they should all go, or they didn't have babysitters, or wanted to make the day a family event at the zoo. It turned out very well, as it was the day before Easter, and some couldn't make it, so the allotted amount allowed for the extra siblings, but what a touchy situation! We didn't want to seem petty, but $20 per extra head really adds up! It seems that everyone in his class tries to outdo the others on who has the best parties and gift bags. We never expected "gift bags" when I was a kid for the guests! Whatever happened to McDonald's parties being a special treat? I love seeing my son have such happy memories, though.

That seems ridiculous to me. It sounds from the original post (girl had just started kindergarten) that the mother was assuming that all the children should be included "or else", probably one of those too nice 'can't say no' people. If you don't draw a line everyone (including your kids) will take advantage and then (no offence) you wind up at the zoo with your child's whole class & all siblings! I can't imagine a parent inviting along a sibling (unless the parents were there too, in which case it'd be on their bill & they'd be the one supervising!)

Kids, like adults, have a set of friends, and a larger set of acquaintances. IMO only friends should be invited to a traditional birthday party. But hey, if you've got the money and want to rent a hall and go the whole 9 yards, invite everyone --- but that shouldn't be expected.

That's crazy! We let our kids have their first birthday party when they are 5 and they are allowed to invite 6 kids. We invited some church friends and some soccor buddies so ds wasn't passing out invites during school. It's way to much for me to handle 25-30 five year olds! We had the party at our house and my husband made a cardboard maze out of boxes and duct tape in our garage. We also some races and some water balloon games. I had snacks on the table and they each had a cup cake. We did have little goodie bags for the kids with some smarties and pencils or something(I forget exactly what). They all had a lot of fun and it didn't cost us an arm and a leg. I don't know if that helped at all or I was just rambling!
-C.

Thanks for your replies. I've had all day to mull it over, and I realize that my friend and I have simply made very different life choices. She is going one way, trying to keep up, and I am drifting in the other, trying to slow down. I do think the whole birthday scenario as she buys into it is crazy.

I've read about families who have just banded together to stop doing crazy things like that in certain communities. I'll have to google that and see if I can find more articles on the subject... because if I truly want a simpler life, I realize I am going to be bucking the system for a lot more than just this. I have to make my own choices and consider what is best for my own family, and only I can do it.

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I don't believe in miracles; I depend on them

Well, I am in Atlanta (I live in Buckhead which is intown) and the birthday parties are out of control. My ds has had big birthday parties where we invited his whole preschool class plus a few cousins and neigbhorhood friends for the past couple of years. We did smaller parties at home until he was 4. But then he was caught up in the private school birthday party whirlwind. We went to parties every month. It was crazy. Last year we had a very expensive party (mommy guilt because we just had the baby and I was thinking he needed lots of extra attention) and there were 26 kids there! After that I said no more.

This year he is in kindergarten and just started a new school so it was an easy decision to just do something smaller. So tomorrow we are taking 4 of his cousins to build a bear and then we are having ice cream and cake. I was just sitting here thinking, wow, I don't have to do ANY prep work for this party at all and there will be no stress involved. This is how it should be! I think he is old enough now that he will just invite a handful of friends to do something special instead of having the full-blown party for everyone, so hopefully those huge parties are a thing of the past! And the baby has a summer birthday so we are off the hook with him too. Ha! I am bucking the system.

I so totally agree with you.

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Mary

I've had all day to mull it over, and I realize that my friend and I have simply made very different life choices. She is going one way, trying to keep up, and I am drifting in the other, trying to slow down.

that's it right there! Maybe one day she will come to that point...

luckily I hs so I don't have to deal with this! but my aunt faced this, she always had to invite the whole class. But also that school had a rule you couldn't leave kids out like you have to give valentines to the whole class not just your friends, if you brought treats you better have enough for everyone.....yatta yatta. I think it started as a way to not leave everyone out but has turned into kios.

We are taking Julia to the beach for her bday next month. that is what she wants to do so we aren't having a party party, just us for a mini-trip! I think that will be a lot more fun!

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I am only one, but I am one. I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do. -Edward Hale

Boy are we on the other end of the spectrum. Today is my son's 7th birthday. Sunday we will be going to Pizza Hut with dh, myself, him, his brother and the grandmas. Then back to our house for cake and presents.

I never had huge parties as a child, it was always family. I never intend on letting my kids invite the whole class over or taking them all some place for their birthdays. I don't want anyone else to feel obligated to buy presents for my kids. Most people's financial situation that I know is as tight as ours. So out of respect for their money and time, I don't expect to come to birthday parties and I am ever grateful in the other direction also. I don't think my son is missing out. They are always in class celebrations with their friends and our family ones at home. I think that is plenty and my kids have never complained or asked for more than the get.

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The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

My sons have never had parties where classmates were invited. We've always have a cake and family over. If it's in the budget I will call it a party and invite the 3 to 5 neighbor boys from across the street. My kids don't know what it's like to have a huge party, tons of presents and every kid in school in attendance. And they never will. It's not on my agenda. As they get older, they'll be able to go places, like bowling and a movie, and bring one friend along, but that'll be the extent of it. My mission is to veer them away from materialistic displays in any form I can think of.