A Controlling Wife and Mom

orchid3h · **A Controlling Wife and Mom**

Mom's Corner - May 2006
A Controlling Wife and Mom

Spending many days each year on the road means that we are often
packing up from a hotel room early in the morning, heading for the
van. I was struggling with trying to get five children up, through
their personal Bible time, in and out of the bathroom, down to the
breakfast room, packed up, and out the door those mornings. Often I
could hear a commander-style tone in my voice as I told each person
what he or she needed to accomplish. This process was making miserable
mornings for me, and I don't think my children liked it either.

My justification was that Steve wanted to be driving at a certain time
so I should be facilitating that process. That was true, but my
methods were not the godly ones that I desired them to be. Steve was
right there in the room with us. As the father, he was capable of
directing the children if he felt they weren't moving at the speed
they needed to go, or if they weren't doing what he thought they
should be doing.

After several unhappy mornings and then crying out to the Lord through
prayer during the van drive in the day, the Lord gave me the solution.
I wasn't the one in control. I needed to be quiet and let Steve do the
job the Lord Jesus had given to him—without my attempts to take over.
I wouldn't have thought that was what I was doing, but it was. What
Jesus showed me I was to do was to first get myself ready to go. Then
I could begin to help any child who was still getting packed up or
eating breakfast. No more orders, no more tones in my voice, and no
more controlling. I can testify that when I got into the van after
following the plan the Lord Jesus had given me, my heart felt joyful
rather than condemned.

One of my greatest struggles comes from trying to control—my husband,
my children, my circumstances. You name it; I want to make it go the
way I think it should go, and grab the responsibility to try to ensure
the outcome. I have a great distance to go in learning spiritual
lessons about not being a controller, but I want to share what I have
gleaned and applied so far.

The first step in my journey to not be a controller has been to
recognize that my controlling tendencies and actions are unpleasing to
Jesus, and therefore they are sin in my life. Even this step has been
difficult for me, because I find I always have a justification for my
controlling behavior, and as long as I justify it, I am content
continuing as I have been.

Why would controlling be sin? For me there have been three main
reasons. First, when I am controlling, I am not trusting the Lord but
rather attempting to manage the situation to accomplish the outcome I
have deemed to be best. Philippians 4:6–7 says, "Be careful for
nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace
of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and
minds through Christ Jesus." These verses do not indicate that I am to
then solve the problem. Rather I am to take these issues to the Lord
Jesus in prayer and then allow His peace to keep my heart and mind.
When I am a controlling wife or mom, my tendency is to action rather
than to prayer. Even though I pray, I do not experience His peace
because I am focused on doing what I think I should do rather than
waiting on Jesus to direct my steps.

The second reason I am sinning when I am controlling is that regularly
I am usurping my husband's authority. If Steve is around, then it is
his responsibility to deal with situations that come up, not mine. I
am my husband's helpmeet, not his mother. Therefore, my role is better
served by being in the background and serving with a meek and quiet
spirit rather than trying to make happen what I think should happen.
Early mornings in the hotel room are a great example of that. I see
myself as a controller concerning my husband when I continually remind
Steve of things he needs to do or when I point out areas in the
children's lives that I don't believe he is noticing.

Here again, I can apply Philippians 4:6–7, pray about any concerns I
have, and trust the Lord to bring them to Steve's attention if He
chooses to do so. I have noticed that because of my controlling
tendencies, I focus on the negative and therefore criticism comes
easily from my mouth. When I am being quiet and letting Steve have the
role the Lord has given to him, then I avoid the critical and harsh
words I so dislike in myself. It is my desire to be my children's
encourager, not discourager. Growing away from controlling is a part
of that process for me.

The third reason my controlling is sin is because that controlling is
not done with a meek and quiet spirit. 1 Peter 3:4 instructs me on the
importance of a meek and quiet spirit: ". . . the ornament of a meek
and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."
Usually when I am in a controlling mood there is a tone in my voice
that indicates the emotion I am feeling. That tone is evident to my
family, recognized even more quickly by them than it is by me. The
controlling can disintegrate into an argument or confrontation with
the person I am interacting with, which seldom has the characteristics
of love and harmony that I want for my life or my family's lives.

My commitment has been to confess my controlling each time the Lord or
someone else points it out and to repent of it. Since controlling is
wrapped up in pride, confession and repentance are critical to
overcoming it. James 4:6 says, "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he
saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." I
am continually praying for God's grace and help in leaving my
controlling heart behind to be replaced by a humble heart. The more I
control, the more the help of the Lord Jesus, which I desperately
need, is unavailable to me because of my pride.

As I grow in this area, I have recognized the importance of choosing
to be quiet and serving my family rather than being their commander,
especially when Steve is at home. As a mom, I still have
responsibility for the children and authority over them when Steve is
not around, but that can be accomplished without being a controller.
For me, controlling versus not controlling usually comes down to my
attitude. Controlling is evidenced when I am being selfish. Let's say
a child doesn't do his chore. When I feel inconvenienced by this, I
will respond with the controlling attitude—a critical spirit with
negative tones in my voice. When I see the child's failure as an
opportunity to help him learn and grow, then my response is not
controlling but is patient, encouraging, and gentle. That is the
attitude I want to have in all my mothering tasks.

May I encourage us as wives and mothers to evaluate whether we have
controlling tendencies. If so, is that what pleases the Lord Jesus? If
not, are we willing to use the situations in which we feel a need to
control as opportunities to trust the Lord and develop a meek and
quiet spirit? My prayer is that we would choose to serve our families
with gentle spirits, patient hearts, and quiet voices rather than with
controlling attitudes, behaviors, or voices.

Teri Maxwell

Written by Teri Maxwell, co-author of Managers of Their Homes,
Managers of Their Chores, Keeping Our Children's Hearts: Our Vital
Priority, Just Around the Corner, and author of Homeschooling with a
Meek and Quiet Spirit.

Teri Maxwell is the mother of eight children and began homeschooling
in 1985. Three of her children have graduated from homeschool, two are
still living in their home and one is married. Teri is a homeschool
conference speaker and has been writing monthly articles of
encouragement for homeschooling moms since 1990.