I know this belongs in the chit chat but it seems that we as parents of SN children are more empathetic. I think it is also embarrassment that I took the pills.

As you know I quit cold turkey the anti depressants. I got the lecture this morning from the head shrinker and again from DH. However, I am starting to feel like they have cleared my system. All the talk in the world won't take back that I did just quit so what is the point of beating that horse to death?

I know I feel again because I realized how pathetic my life is. I am head wench, cook, laundress, mechanic, ranch hand and it is all expected of me. When I took the AD's I felt like I was in a cloud. Nothing bothered me, I just did what was expected. Now, I see things and I get upset.

The good news is I LOVE TO EAT!. Food is great, it tastes wonderful. Wet berries, spicy curries, tasty brownies. I am hungry all the time, I love the taste of food again. I am making full dinners with a lot of food. Right now I am eating chicken pasta salad and an apple with carmel. That is just lunch.

I am excited to gain some weight back and have energy again.

I have so many skills I must learn to cope with Hunter, life, tragedies, etc but I am ready to look at this as a new adventure. The pills got me thru the worst, now it is time for me to deal with our life as it stands.

I expect sad days, happy days and days that I will cry. Hunter will push me to the edge and then push me over. I will need to learn better skills to understanding him.

Well, back to food and then dinner, then dessert!

Wish you well, April

Hang in there, April and take comfort in the fact that you are most definately NOT alone in your struggles.

I know it's hard when you feel like your in a cloud with the meds. My sister in law went through this. She actually had to be hospitalized. I'm no doctor and don't know your full story, but like with her, I would think the doctor should have changed your prescription to something that worked better, or a lesser dosage of the same. Because depression is nothing to fool around with. And it is not something that once you take the meds. it get better and goes away. It's a lifelong change. To find what balances you ,so that you are the best you for you and your family! Just my thoughts! My prayers are with you, and wish you the best!

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"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous

Just remember how much more strength it takes to get through the problems than it does to float over them, and that you can do it. Anti-depressants are a definite necessity for a lot of people when things are at their lowest points and you can't see your way clear. I think it's awesome you still want to tackle the problems OFF the pills. I wish you a lot of luck.

Just don't be too hard on yourself. You do have a lot on your plate, and if you do have a chemical imbalance, don't do it alone. I am not trying to be not supportive, but if this is a physical issue, and you truly need the meds, keep an open mind. However, I would talk to the Dr. about switching. I can't take anything now due to nursing, and nothing worked for me, or the effects were negative. I just found out they should have put me on a completely different type of meds, or rather at least tried them. Live and learn.

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Make someone's heart smile today.

Please don't ever feel embarrassed for taking anti-depressants for a time! It doesn't make you weak, but it does make you human! Regardless, I'm happy you're doing well off of them, and that you're enjoying food again. That's HUGE!! :D Just keep paying attention to your body, and know that if you need something to get you through again, you have the options. **HUGS**

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I hope the weekend went well for you. Let us know how you're doing.

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Make someone's heart smile today.

Hi Friends,

Thank you for thinking about me. The weekend was very nice as we had the Godparents take Hunter for the entire weekend.

We set goals of what we wanted to get done for housework, outside work, horse work and other things. We went to Church this Sunday and then afterwards went to the brew pub.

It was time alone and time to regroup. I did finally force the DH to speak to me about issues that he was also avoiding. We have resolution to several items.

As for me, I do know why I was taking the AD meds. I have not come to terms with fact that my son has Autism. I have learned about ABA, I set up and home program and run the program. I have taken on the State, the CDC and won! I have fought for Hunter but the truth is I am not at terms with his disability. I wonder what the future brings for him? What will school bring? Will he be ok? The list is endless. All this makes me cry a bit too much and I am more than sad.

I am waiting for the ski resort to open this Sat. I love to snowboard and when I do I release all things that upset me and leave them on the mountain. I guess it is the same as a very hard work out. Riding brings me joy and I am good at it! I am going to see how it goes this weekend and if I don't stop being so sad, maybe I will try something different for the meds.

Friends, when did you come to terms with the loss? The grief and the pain? How did you do it? What helps?

I am feeling much better as far as being able to do more in a day. I eat like a little piggy and I am making wonderful flavourful foods. My poor DH is overweight and he is the one gaining.

Thanks so much, April

My situation is not the same as yours, but for me, when we found out about Lily's esophageal issues right after birth, it wasn't hard to accept it. We knew it was a fixable condition, and my pregnancy had already been really hard, and we'd been told that their goal was to get one baby out alive. With all of that, and the possibility of babies with Down's and Transposition of the Greater Vessles in the heart, it seemed that the esophagus was the lesser of the two evils. Of course, when her esophagus couldn't be repaired that night, and when we found out the next day that she had 2 other heart conditions (which were serious, but fixable), our stressful time really began. Each time, I felt as though God was preparing me for the circumstances. He began preparing me in March for the time that Lily would get her trach in May. He prepared me for having twins, having one sick twin, all of that, months before it actually happened. The hardest things for me to accept were the trach (really not all that bad, once I realized how much it would help Lily), hearing aids, and orthotics for her shoes. The hearing aids were a BIG one because I know that certain antibiotics can cause hearing loss, and Lily had been on most of them more than once. Thankfully, her hearing returned to normal after a year of struggling with getting a good fit (for some reason, once her tonsils and adenoids came out, her hearing tests came back normal), and we're still dealing with orthotics for her shoes. I still wonder how all of this will affect the rest of her life. Will she be awkward at sports because of her motor planning difficulties? Will she always need the orthotics? Will she lose her hearing early due to her respiratory issues? Will she struggle in school? Will we ever be able to get rid of the feeding tube? But, I know that God has already brought Lily so far, and He will continue to be faithful despite my worries and my questions. So, even though my situation is so very different from yours, accepting Lily's conditions was something I HAD to do. Accepting, learning, and moving past it.....I don't think I'd have ever made it through otherwise. That was my experience anyway, but I'm sure some of the other ladies will be able to offer more thoughts specific to your situation... And, don't be so hard on yourself. You and Hunter have really come so far!!! **HUGS**

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I don't know if I will ever come to terms with the issues that I have some how given my DDs. In my mind I know that it probably isn't my fault but in my heart that fear is always there. The fear of what I could have done differently, thought differently or in some way chosen not to burden my children with these issues. I realize that each of the issues that my DDs have are things that can be learned to be dealt with but why did I some how burden them with it. My oldest has manic depression or other wise refered to as bipolar, ADHD and SID. We have struggled for years for a diagnosis and some how I thought I diagnosis would make things better but in reality they have just given a name to her behaviors and not fixed the problem. I still think maybe if I would have been older before I had her things would have been different, maybe if I wasn't such a disappointment ot everyone those vibes wouldn't have some how effected her. My 2nd DD was a very sick baby who had seizures and an infection that ravaged her body. In my mind I often wonder if I something at my job in the medical field had some how affected her. If maybe if she hadn't been such a sick baby and been tramatized by docs & nurses, needles and hospitals maybe she would have such anxiety issues and be so frightened of the world. My 3rd DD was born with 2 holes in heart and a valve that hadn't closed. Thankfully that some how fixed itself. But she was diagnosised with central sleep apnea and SID. Did all the stress in my life from DD #1 and have such severe morning sickness when I was pregnant with her cause all of this. I do know that her heart condition was due to me being malnourished while pregnant but I know that was not my doing. Some how I believe God has forgiven me for letting myself be so sick that I couldn't eat while pregnant and let DD's heart heal. But what of her other issues. DD #4 also has SID and I wonder if my doubt of wanting another baby caused her this.
I have fears for all my DDs especially the oldest because we are running out of time. She will be 18 in 2 short years. College seems to be only my dream. What will become of her if she stops her meds and the manic depression is not controlled will she end up in prison or worse yet dead. Will she ever realize what a beautiful person she is inside & out? Will DD #2 ever overcome her unfounded fears? Will she become an outgoing child that I know she is? I have time with the younger 2 they are still babies. But that old fear of Am I really that bad at being an mother creeps in. After all my rambling, I hate to tell you that I have not over come my sense of loss for my DDs. I feel a huge disappointment in myself that I couldn't give my children easier lives. I remind myself that the issues they face a not really my fault and for the most part overcomable. I try to remember that GOd will only give me what he knows I can truly handle. And lastly in telling people my story I realize how much we have overcome and how much hope we still have. My children do not have a terminal illness they have an unseen disablity. The more people I make aware the more children will be helped. Who is to say that our children will not make a difference in the world, no one can. I also remember that my children make me a better person, show me a different view of the world, help me to understand others, and make my life have meaning.