How do you feel when a stranger asks about your child's "disability"?

desertmom · 05-08-2007, 02:29 AM

Whether your child has a visible disability or one that strangers think at first is a behavior issue, how do you feel when a stranger asks about it? Not rudely, necessarily, just curiously. In my case, my son has Aspergers, so he appears "normal" at first, but then traits come out. I appreciate when people ask, if they really care to learn about it. But if a child has a disability, would you prefer that the stranger be polite and simply ignore it?

LovesNature777 · 05-08-2007, 05:55 AM

I think most people ask out of curiosity. As long as they are being polite about it, I don't see a problem with talking about your child's disability.

valerie_k · 06-02-2007, 05:03 PM

I get so flustered when someone askes why Luke limps, or why he can't use his right hand as well as his left. Telling someone that your child was shakin by someone is a horrible feeling. When my neighbor across the street asked about it she just went blank and didn't talk much after that. Its like its taboo or something talking about it.

I know its just because they feel sorry for us, and worry about their own children that make them react that way, but what people don't see is that, HE IS DOING GREAT! Sure he has a few delays from it, but my little superman is just a normal little 3 year old boy, who can do anything. Sometimes I just get so tired of the looks of pity, I know they are well meaning, but we are so blessed I just want people to see the good instead of the bad.

Sorry to go off, but it just builds up sometimes!

blessed_with_6 · 06-02-2007, 05:07 PM

Okay...this was a good reminder for me. I had wondered earlier what had happened to your son to have shaken baby syndrome..but thought it was rude to ask. This was a reminder that since I was NOT being rude that it IS okay to acknowledge a question...and even ask it, if done politely. So, may I ask what happened? The only cases I have ever heard about are the ones that make the news. I would be interested to see how you deal wtih this..and what all you deal with. My dh and I have six children, but one day we would like to adopt a special needs child...and there are just so many special needs that some don't consider.

valerie_k · 06-02-2007, 05:41 PM

I don't mind talking about it at all, because the more people know the more they understand.

When Luke was 14 months old I left him with a babysitter to go to work. I don't really know the nitty gritty details, but sometime that night something happened and they shook Luke. (the person responsible took their own life after the police got involved) When I got home that night Luke was throwing up, so I took him to the ER the next day. There were no bruises, bumps or anything, I thought he had the flu. They did the CAT scan and an MRI, and he had a fractured skull with bleeding and swelling on his brain. He also had a stroke, causing his right side to be paralized.

We spent a week in a local hospital, and a month at Primary Children's Hospital in SLC Utah (that is a AWESOME hospital!!!) for rehabilitation. He used to go to physical therapy 3 times a week, occupational therapy twice a week, speech therapy twice a week and a number of misc. appointments at first. Those weaned down to now where we only go to PT once a week, and I do OT at home everyday.

All and all, it sounds horrible, was horrible, but the Lord never gives us anything we can't handle, and Luke has proven all the doctors wrong so far in his recovery. They predicted his delays to be 1-2 years behind his peers. We haven't done a developmental test lately, but I don't see a diffence between him and the others 3 year olds at the park. He still limps on his right leg, and wears a corrective brace, and does not have full mobility with his right hand and arm yet, but its only a matter of time!

Luke will have challenges all his life, but I would never pity him, he is so strong and sweethearted, he can do anything!

blessed_with_6 · 06-02-2007, 06:14 PM

Okay, that broke my heart, made me cry, and made me cheer both for you AND Luke...all in a matter of a few minutes. He is so blessed to have you as his mommy...and from the sound of things, you are just as blessed to have him as your son. Okay..gotta' go cry some more.

2littleladies · 06-02-2007, 07:08 PM

As a mommy I cant imagine what I would do if someone hurt my baby. I guess that is why my 5 yr old has yet to be left with a sitter.

I can see that your boy will grow up to be just fine!

desertmom · 06-02-2007, 07:39 PM

I am so sorry you all are dealing with this. Like Blessed, I only knew of it from media stories. How horrible to trust someone who betrays you like this. I think it's a lesson to all of us.
May I ask, how are his eyes? I hear stories of retinas detaching. Is he OK there?

I am so glad he is doing so much better than expected. Is he your only child? Are you able to stay home with him? Were you ever able to find a sitter you could rely on and trust after that?

Welcome to mommysavers. We are glad you are here. I'm glad you are blessed with your son, despite what happened, as you know there are stories that don't end as well as yours has. It also sounds like he is blessed to have you!

JenJoe725 · 06-02-2007, 08:25 PM

Not all people who ask about disabilities are being rude. I was a teacher at one time and I made a point to actually ask one of the moms in a mommy group if she noticed her child's delays and if she was getting early help for him. He had a severe speech delay and seemed delayed in motor skills as well. He was 3 at the time and my 2 year had a better vocabulary and speech skills than him. She thanked me and said that she was getting him screened and he got the speech therapy he needed and early preschool at the local school for kid's with special needs.

Jen

valerie_k · 06-03-2007, 12:24 AM

He was my only child at the time of the accident. I have since remarried to the most understanding and caring man ever, and have my DSD. I am lucky enough now that I can stay home with him

I use the word "babysitter" when talking about Luke's accident, because I am ashamed to say I was married to the creep who hurt him. That is definately the hardest part to talk about when talking about what happened to Luke.

I was very concerned about his retinas for a while. After many different specialists all over this area, we finally found one in SLC Utah, who could test for the acctual deterioration. We were so lucky that it only caused him a lazy eye (from the stroke) and not any blindness. He had surgery to correct the lazy eye about six months after. Looks very good now!!

We occasionally get a babysitter that we trust now (took me a good year and a half), but we only leave him for a couple hours at a time. I am so nervous, I can't bear to leave him longer than that, even with family. My DH thinks I'm silly

I LOVE MOMMYSAVERS!!! It is by far the best site I've found to talk to other women with the same interests I have!! Thanks so much for the welcome.