A bit of a vent

desertmom · **A bit of a vent**

DS has had this report he was to be working on for the last few weeks. He is in 2nd grade. We got the facts together. I printed them out and went through all pages with him, highlighting the facts for him to transcribe for his outline. He took DAYS to do this. This paper is due on Thursday, as is his project. As of last night, he was STILL in the "listing" phase onto his outline. He left his papers at school over the weekend, as "nobody told him to bring them home", and they had standardized testing this week, for which he went to the resource room, taking up class time, which I suspect, due to the extended test time he needed, cut into the time he would have used to work on his draft. At home, he is so easily distracted, so I send him to his room to work. Even made sure diva was busy, since she is a huge distraction. Yet, I catch him staring off into the distance, laying down (saying he's thinking), he has to get a drink, go to the bathroom, find his lost pencil (3 times in a half an hour), etc.

So his teacher kind of yells at him today when she finds out he hasn't even started on his final report, reminding him it's due in 2 days.

SO....considering he has been working on his rough draft in school, and it's barely readable, because of the misspellings and writing issues, I went through and pretty much did his draft, typing up all the details, but putting them in full sentences. He and I went through it together and edited it down. I gave it to him and sent him to his room to copy the "rough draft" onto the pages for his final report. An hour later we call him to dinner. At bedtime I look over what he's done. OMG. One paragraph. AND, it's not even what I had on my paperwork. OK...so, is it acceptable? No. The spelling is so bad...mind you, the correct spelling is on the typed pages I gave him if he'd just look. I AM SO FRUSTRATED! What can I do, but write the final report for him? He has one stinking day to do this! AND, because he is trying hard to write neatly, he is writing slower than usual, which is pretty slow. And here OT sends me a report on how well he's doing, and saying she feels we will need to meet to see if he will continue to qualify for OT. Hell, yes! He is slow at writing! I do not see him writing this report in one day!

In addition, as I mention, there is a project. He should have been working on it. But he wants to do a diorama, and I keep telling him he doesn't have the tools or the time. He is doing a Kinkajou. If he chose a lion, it would have been easy, but there is just not enough to make a kinkajou with in time! His teacher also tried to steer him toward an easier animal, but he was steadfast. In addition, his dad kept insisting that a diorama was feasible. I was like, fine - you help him with the diorama, I'll work with him on the report. So, of course, dad has to go to a game with business associates last night. Tonight, of course, is shot. So, he has to get the report done tomorrow, AND do the project, which at this point, dh agrees we can no longer do a diorama, but rather, a poster. So I go back to the computer and print out all the pictures we need.

Now, mind you, I'm supposed to go out for the first time in soooo long tomorrow night and socialize with other 2nd grade moms - the only get together like this. DH insists I can go - he can control diva and help DS get it all done (the project, dinner, and keeping diva busy). Mind you, I had pizza for tomorrow night, but they wanted it tonight. Ergh!!!!!

I'm ready to tear my hair out. PLUS, DS lost his glasses for the second time in a month, and for 3 days has forgotten to look for them in his desk.

I've explained it all to my son..he understands, comprehends, but doesn't apply himself. He is sooooo capable of doing this!

On top of this, he is acting very defiant lately and has been extremely rude to his sister, yelling at her. PLUS, she is a loose cannon, crying at the drop of a hat when told no. And she's into something new every minute. I put her to bed at night and she's back up an hour or two later, when I'm actually trying to get work done (like just go through the mail)! DH does help, but he has to go to bed by midnight so he can get up in the morning. She utterly refuses to stay in bed when she awakens, and I can't have her screaming when DS (and DH sometimes) are sleeping.

Obviously, I need a break, so I go to SitterCity.com, because of ads I see. Hah. What a joke. You need to subscribe, which means pay, just to view details in the listings. And without those details, I can't see if they have what I need.

I tried very hard to help DS without taking control and doing it all. So tonight I asked him how to do a report. He knew every step. I explained that was why he was doing this, to let the teacher know he knew. So, the Aspie in him comes out again and he asks why he can't just tell the teacher he knows, or have me let her know, and forget about doing the report. If I don't do all I did, which was still too much, it just won't get done. He doesn't understand the ramifications, because he's already been told he is going to 3rd grade. Shoot me now.

gourdlady06 · 04-09-2008, 06:46 AM

I feel for you. My oldest ds was just like this. Still kinda is at 20. It is extremely nerve raking!!!

I don't really have any advice other than I am with ya. I know the pain. Just take a deep breath and count to 10 or more if you need to. And smile

that's better than the alternative.

Noahsmommy · 04-09-2008, 07:14 AM

If I were you I would help him as much as I can. I mean I would probally type it all out for him. I wouldnt make it a habit but at least it would be done.

aliadam · 04-09-2008, 09:32 AM

As a mom of a "send them off and they'll never come back and forget what they're supposed to be doing and start doing something else" child--actually both of mine are this way--I'll tell you what has worked for us. I make mine esp. ds sit at the kitchen table while I'm making dinner or cleaning up and do his homework. If I sent him to his room to do homework he would NEVER get it done because he'd get distracted and start reading a book or ANYTHING except what he's supposed to be doing. But if he's sitting at the kitchen table and I can see him, he's better about sitting and working, or if I catch him staring off I can redirect him. You might try that.

mrs_teeee67 · 04-09-2008, 10:51 AM

As a parent AND a teacher,,, I would do as suggested with the 'constant overseeing', but NO WAY would I do the work 'for him'. I would absolutely try my best to get him to do it.. but if he didn't, then he would fail the assignment. He doesn't 'get the ramifications',, and he WON'T if there are none, because mama made herself insane doing it for him. my .02

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with everything right now though, sounds like stress central! I HATE those times. I hope you do get out and ENJOY yourself for a bit. Please DO NOT miss your outing because ds hasn't completed his work... *it is HIS work* not yours

gourdlady06 · 04-09-2008, 11:34 AM

I have been thinking more on this subject since I first posted a reply.

Here is the mistake we made. No matter how bad a grade he will get for not getting his work done, don't do it or even help! Why? Because they will never learn the consequences of their actions. Mine never did. I agree that you should oversee that he is doing it but don't help him. He will expect it.

Warning: if they don't get in the habit now, it definetly won't get any better. As they get older, it is harder to know what they aren't doing. They can hide that stuff better and since boys don't communicate as much or at least mine doesn't I never knew until it was too late.

Ds lost a full ride scholarship because he didn't do his work. Because college isn't as easy as high school. He didn't do his work in school but was still able to get a scholarship because he did so well with everything else. But once in college it is a totally different story.
Get a hold on it now, because it isn't going to get any better. Good luck.

desertmom · 04-09-2008, 10:58 PM

It was even worse today. Not only has he lost his glasses (the second time in a month), for the third day in a row, he forgot to look in his desk and cubby for them. Then, get this. The report and project are due tomorrow. HE FORGETS HIS FOLDER AND ALL THE PAPERS AT SCHOOL! I gave him a half hour break after school, early release day, and they lock the doors with nobody there, so we had no way of going back. So I had to create all documents for him again, including the doc. he needs to do the report on. He spent 4 hours getting just one page done! There are only 5 pages in all! And yes, I was right there, reminding him just about every 2 minutes to stop staring and write, locking his sister into her high chair with paints, playdoh and anything else. He worked until 8:30 with only a small break for a snack and still hasn't even finished page 2, of which there were only 2 paragraphs. This is with my being right there.

The project? Forget it. I sent the teacher a note. I also told her that this reinforces our feeling (which she agreed with) that DS is not ready to stop OT. His handwriting is just too slow, as is his focus. This is even on his med. We'll be lucky if it's all done by Monday. I told him she may choose to keep him in at recess for a week. I usually hate that, because a kid like him needs the break, but darnit, it's like he didn't even try. And those of you who know me know I really try to give the full benefit of the doubt and support breaks and helping him. I can't do anything more than write the damn thing for him, which I've pretty much done! I really don't want my son humiliated, but it's like he doesn't get it at all. Yet, from his behavior, I know he does feel some stress.

Plus, diva has been naughty...she keeps going into his desk during the time I did let her out of her chair. I simply can't keep her locked up for 8 hours! And no, I didn't get to go because we had to stay on top of both kids. No way could dh do it. Heck, I couldn't!

desertmom · 04-10-2008, 05:17 AM

OK..I feel better. I sent the teacher an email about the situation. She is going to have him spend one of his recesses each day working on the report, while I continue having him also do it at home. She asked that I support her on it, which I do wholeheartedly. She doesn't want him to think he can get out of it because it's hard (which it's not, it's just a lot of work/writing), because she feels, as I do, he can do it. She also mentioned that she feels his focus isn't the same as it was a few weeks ago, which I'd discussed with DH earlier tonight. So I will call his Dr. to see if we need to up his Focalin for ADHD or change meds. Poor kid. I literally had to remind him every two minutes to write. She's going to be spending her own time working with him on this, too, rather than getting a break or using it as prep time.

10 more years of this?

hawkshoe · 04-10-2008, 07:27 AM

I can feel your pain and frustration in your writing. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I am glad that you emailed the teacher and together came up with a solution that sounds like a good one to me.

aliadam · 04-10-2008, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by desertmom

OK..I feel better. I sent the teacher an email about the situation. She is going to have him spend one of his recesses each day working on the report, while I continue having him also do it at home. She asked that I support her on it, which I do wholeheartedly. She doesn't want him to think he can get out of it because it's hard (which it's not, it's just a lot of work/writing), because she feels, as I do, he can do it. She also mentioned that she feels his focus isn't the same as it was a few weeks ago, which I'd discussed with DH earlier tonight. So I will call his Dr. to see if we need to up his Focalin for ADHD or change meds. Poor kid. I literally had to remind him every two minutes to write. She's going to be spending her own time working with him on this, too, rather than getting a break or using it as prep time.

10 more years of this?

It does sound like he needs his dosage changed or a different med. He should be better than that on the meds.