I hate the word stupid, but there is nothing better to describe my husband. I was telling him this weekend how I felt so alone in my quest for information and therapy for my son, and how I feel betrayed when he asks if the doctors can be wrong about the diagnosis, even though he attended some of the appointments. I told him my son is a textbook case. However, I'm the only one reading the textbooks! He never bothers. Anyway, he had the nerve to tell me that he's busy during the week and that it's MY JOB as the mom. GRRRRRRRR. Like I'm not busy. It's not that I'm going to give it up because I'm busy, but I would appreciate his sharing the load and my not having to make every friggin' decision there is to be made; especially when he combats everything I say and do anyway. I just feel like I'm trapped. It's bad for the kids if we divorce, but I really think it's worse for everyone to be around the constant bickering. This jerk refuses to go to therapy, saying there's nothing wrong with him, which is another problem. I don't even trust him enough, without therapy, to have the kids in a joint custody situation. He's too volatile and yells too often and forgets to feed them and care for them properly when I'm not around. I often wonder how much better my son would be if he had a peaceful home. I try to tell dh not to discuss things in earshot of my son, but he keeps on going and going, no matter what I say. I really think I've gone from apathy to hatred. And he thinks all I do on this board is talk about him. He's making it true today!

Mine is not just sometimes...somtimes I feel like he left his brain at work - and came home empty!!

I am so so sorry you are going through all of this. It's hard enough having children, let alone having one with special needs, and to top it off, having a dh that's less than supportive!! I wish I knew some sort of magical potion that could turn him into the best dh and dad, but I don't. All I can say is that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers, and I really hope things get better soon. I'm not one to think divorce is that answer to every problem, but sometimes it's in the best interest of everyone to end things. I'm a firm believer in a peaceful home, and it probably WOULD help your ds in the long run. Sending you ***HUGS***, and hoping things start going better for you. I can't even express how sad I am for you!

Oh Desertmom! Our stories are so similar except that my dh is finally starting to support the things I'm trying to do with dd instead of fighting and arguing about it . I remember when we first got the diagnosis for SPD, NLD and GAD, he acted like I was making it all up. I thought he knew me better than to think I was "creating" all of these issues for Lily. After seeing Lily participate in OT, he kind of got on board with that, but there was still the NLD and GAD issues to deal with. Like you, I was doing all the research, reading all the book, making the calls and taking Lily to the appointments, which I was more than willing to do, but I needed him to listen to me and the things the professionals were telling me and to try and understand it all, which he wasn't ready to do. I distinctly remember telling him one day that he was making my life harder and it would be easier without him. I too came very close to hating him, fortunately I think he started to realize this and still cared enough about us to try to make a change. He still loses his temper, but not as much as before. I am seeing an honest effort on his part, and both of us are starting to laugh a little more about everything, and we are talking about Lily's needs instead of arguing about them. Since dh and I are happier, the kids are happier too. If there hadn't been an improvement, I feel sure that at some point there would have been a separation. You have to decide what's best for you and the kids and know that your friends and family will support you in your decision. I know that is a very hard decision to make. Leaving my first husband was the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever done, and I really don't want to have to do it again.

I wish I knew why some men can handle special needs and some can't. Is it ego, lack of empathy, or fear? If I knew that, I guess I'd have all the answers. I do wish you the best. I know that even though things are going well for us right now, doesn't mean we won't have more bumps in the road ourselves. We just have to stick together and take each day as it comes. (I hate sounding like a greeting card!) Hugs to you! Your children are lucky that they have such a smart and caring mother!

Desertmom,
I can sure relate! In the 6 years since our son's dx, I doubt if my dh has read anything at all about any of ds's conditions, and been to very few appts. He often likes to take the devil's advocate position when I'm relating things a Drs. said, etc. I've even heard him explaining things to other people about ds and be completely wrong. We were at war for several years, but can I tell you what has helped the most? I just stopped fighting.

I wasted a lot of time and energy and emotion on how unfair it was that I had to carry so much of this by myself. Finally I just accepted that dh is not wired to research and read and advocate for our son. But, that's ok, because I am, and I had a lot more energy to help ds when I wasn't spending it on dwelling on what was wrong with dh. It's still annoying when he questions me and disputes what I say, but I try to keep a sense of humor about it. I also try really hard to dwell on what's good--he loves his son, he's a good provider, and if I explain exactly what I need from him he will usually try to do it. It's far from perfect, but we're all much happier now most days.

I hope this helps a little.
Blessings to you and your family!

You have described James to an absolute tee.

I cant suggest solutions for your difficulty but one thing I would have done diffferently if Ihad my time all over again is going it alone on the educational/assessmeant issues if I was staying in the marriage.

Some men are in denial because they see it as a personal affront to their genes or their masculinity.(sp). They dont see it as a difficulty to be solved.

I do know that if you want to stay in your marriage that may be the price you have to pay,to do both, I couldnt deal with the rejection, interference, and obstruction from James where Tadhgs ADD was concerned. Never mind when Dyslexia for both came into the mix.

I settled for peace (which is a great gift ) but it comes at the price of terrible lonlyness too. Its up to you to work out what works for you and you son.

take time with the decision it tends to b e irrevocable!

big hugs and Im here if I can help

Anne

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"When we know better we do better" Maya Angelou

I agree with Anne -- it sounds to me like you dh might be in denial. If he doesn't acknowledge that there's a disability, then he doesn't have to deal with it. Problem solved (in his mind). Short of having a brick building falling on your dh, I'm not sure what you can do to bring him around.

My dd has a few small issues that we are going to have to deal with in the upcoming years, and my dh just doesn't see the problem. When I try to explain things to him, he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm not. It can be very frustrating.

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You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Sounds like he's in denial big time. My dh has a mentally/physically disabled sister (Angelman's syndrome), she has the ability of a 5 month old and she's 33. To this day my FIL has NEVER acknowledged there is anything wrong with her with my MIL. Of course, he knows, he's just NEVER said anything about it with my MIL. Something tells me this is eerily typical!

Denial has been the choice word. You probably knew that. Luckily my dh has never missed a dr appt or IEP meeting. Although it is I who looks up information and talks to other parents. If I show him something online he will read it. He really doesn't like the computer so I am hoping that is it. He is very hands on with the kids, love is the foundation for our marriage and our family.
I will say that all kids especially special needs kids need a quiet and peaceful enviroment. Fighting causes stress and worsens their progress. You can either shoulder this responsabilty yourself and try to make it work. Or leave and shoulder the responsabilty yourself. Frankly, I grew up in a home with constant bickering between my parents and I hated it. It took years for me to learn how to be in a happy marriage ( I would start fights just because that what I thought married couples would do ) Now I hate it when my kids argue. I hear my voice raise while yelling at them to " knock it off" and I cringe at the noise level.

Maybe you should sit down with a list of demands for your marriage. He may never be able to accept your son's diagnosis but he must accept your need for love and support. If you let him know all your feelings and your hopes and dreams for your future. Either he will respond positively and help mend your marriage. Or, He will react in a negative way and you will have your answer.
Whatever you decide, whatever happens, you have friends here.
By the way my name is Mitzi. My ds is 9 and on the autism spectrum and I have a 14 year old daughter who struggles in school but is a social butterfly. They are direct opposites.
Sometimes I think we better get along because neither child will ever leave.
Hugs to you!