Saw this today and I had to post it here.

Happy Mother's Day: Mothers Lie

By Lori Borgman

SOME MOTHERS GET BABIES WITH SOMETHING MORE...
My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes.

Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said.

Mothers lie.

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin. Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.

Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule. Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.

Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want.

Some mothers get babies with something more.

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close. Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime?

I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body. Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it.

Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day. How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists yammering in your ear.I wonder how you endure the praise and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike.I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you’re ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule. You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require, intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law.

You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more.

You're a wonder.


Lori Borgman is a syndicated columnist and author of All Stressed Up
and No Place To Go, her latest humor book now available wherever books are sold.

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There are more than 40 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most of them. There is no known prevention or cure for any of them.
My Blog:Musings of a Heart Family

Thank you for for this thread Renee. I didn't ask God for my beautiful Noah to be born with a broken heart and not being able to breathe. He wasn't supposed to survive in utero...but he did, he crashed many times during his 18 months in the hospital trying to survive. He survived through eleven surgeries. He was trached at one week old. He had a pacemaker with a Tetraology of Fallot repair at three months old. We visited him everyday in the hospital without fail. He finally was able to come home at 1 1/2 years old after we could prove we could take care of him-without nursing. We were the first family of a trached child they let come home without nursing-we did purchase a pulse ox. We set up his room in the dining room-crib, oxygen mother tanks, compressor, suction machine, all of his little goodies he needed. He came home and the first night it was just like he always belonged here. He just knew he was home were he was loved. The first month home I was so afraid of driving by myself with him-what if he needed to have an emergency suction what would I do? I just couldn't stand it anymore and I had to get out and drive. It was so liberating. I just took the roads where I knew I could get over fast if I needed to. I eventually got so used to doing it I was even suctioning him while driving sometimes. Ha Ha. It sounds crazy but I had my daughter who was three at the time also so just to get out we would frequent the open area of the cemetery A LOT-I didn't feel comfortable at the playground trying to watch her and take care of him also she could just run around to her hearts content. Lots of history in the cemetery. Sad to say but I really did learn to love the tranquility of it. Time passed and Emma went to kindergarten. Actually on her first day of kindergarten Noah was having surgery for his big decannulation of his trach-REALLY big day. It went off without a hitch. He was officially decannulated while he was sleeping-his sats did not go down at all. He got to go to actual pre-school-he had a lot of catching up to do. He was so smart-he had a good brain. He couldn't talk though just sign language and a tech speak talking computer that he carried around. He LOVED school and he needed the socialization. He was learning to eat orally-he had a mickey button in his tummy to eat. I just syringed ml by ml of liquids at first until he was eating actual food. Whoo hoo! Big stuff. He had a "froggy voice" that he would most likely always have. I remember his teacher told me her back was turned and she heard him say "I need help". This amazed her because he had never used his voice before in class. He also told his Mamaw "I love you" while sitting next to her on the couch. Big giant stuff. He was doing so, so good. Amazingly good. I really thought he was going to live to be a daddy. Really I did. All he really needed in the future was his pulmonary valve replaced as he got older throughout his life. Well, my whole world came crashing down this past November 23rd. My daughter woke me up and said that Noah was signing "I want Mommy" and she came and got me. He was watching a movie and eating a graham cracker when I picked him up and took him to my bed. I didn't notice anything wrong when I picked him up but when he laid on the bed his lips were just a hint of purple not enough to even really notice at the time-20/20 I did. I gave him a puff of his inhaler and a feeding through his g-tube to get the morning started. Then I noticed his breathing getting shallow and thought uh oh I need to go to the ER. In that same second I though NO he needs an ambulance NOW. I called. I took the phone, Noah, Pillow, opened the front door ready for the ambulance. I performed CPR. His eyes were glazed over and I was yelling at the operator why weren't they here yet "he is going, he is going". YELLING he is going. A police officer showed up with an ambu-bag. He puffed and I compressed. The ambulance arrived and they got a heartbeat back. Off he went to the hospital. I called my husband at work while they still were working on him at the house and told him to come right away. The police officer urged me to wait for my husband to drive me to the hospital and he gave Emma a stuffed animal-she saw everything. We got to the hospital and they wisked us to the private office. I asked the nurse if he was ok-I truly thought he was ok. She said they were still working on him. At that point I knew it. I just started crying with the reality of it all setting in. The doctor came in and said it was very, very critical. My husband broke down and cried then my daughter broke down and cried. I had never seen my husband cry like that in my whole like. We have been together since we were 16--40 now. They worked on him for 45 minutes it only seemed like 15. They let us see him before they called him. He wasn't our boy. He was bruised and punctured and pale. They tried to intubate him but couldn't with his repaired trachea. It was all for nothing anyway-he was gone long before. We were given funeral arrangement paperwork. I asked that he not be autopsied as I didn't want him cut up anymore. Thankfully the coroner said that with children who have a history like his they usually don't. I went home numb. The transplant people called right away as well as the funeral home. The only thing he could donate was his corneas. I am blessed that at least another child out there gets to finally see the face of their mother. We went to the funeral home the next day to make arrangements. Strangely, it went ok-looking back I was numb-even joking with the funeral director. It hits later rather badly. I could not put him in the ground. I could not have a service. We just have his urn in our bedroom with his toys around. He so wanted the semi truck from Cars for Christmas so that is up there too. I feel so guilty for not giving it to him before Christmas. At least I caved and gave him his Wiggles guitar and playhouse I got from Ebay. He was with me at the computer while I won the auction and he was soooo excited. We did the Whoot Whoot dance because we WON. I want him to be remembered for the most wonderful son, the most caring boy there ever was. He would give me the biggest kisses. He would smoosh his face into mine with the biggest hugs he could ever give. And they were meant for me. He loved me so much. I miss his love. His true little four year old boy pure love he gave me. I will forever and ever love him with all of my heart even when I am an old lady I will always love him. Ya know what was weird, a couple of weeks after he died I was in bed in that just awaking twilight period the phone rang and hung up. One minute later, the phone rang and hung up. Two more times it happened all within about four minutes. The number that came up was from his Mamaw. I called her and asked why she did that. She didn't call me at all. I may be silly but I think this was his sign he was OK because I was just crying all of the time and begging him to come back to me somehow someway. It has been five months now and I am a heck of a lot better. The pain is still there but it is bearable. I pass by the playground where just we used to play or I go through his clothes and hug his jacket pretending he is in it. I was guilt ridden for the longest time. I still do not know what happened or why it happened and I do not want to know at all. This is the first Mother's Day without my precious child but at least I still have Emma and I live for her. I would give anything to have him back. I WANT his disability back. I did not ask for it but I sure do want it back now. I want his suction machine. I want his OT, PT, Speech therapies. I want everything about him back but I know I can't have it. We are healing. I needed to get that out. I needed this. Thank you for being here. I am here lurking every night. Thank you.

You're both amazing women and mothers. I hope you have a happy Mother's Day.

Snarla, I am very sorry for your loss.

Rene, Thank you for your post. As you know, I can only imagine what life is like in your shoes. I do know that I never have the right to ask God why I was blessed with a Special Needs child, when I know firsthand the people who have a child with higher needs feel blessed with each day they have their child. I am glad I've had the wisdom to instead say from day one, "Thank you, God." for blessing me with my little boy. He gives me a different outlook on life. I also Thank God every day for my seemingly "perfect (hah!)", "typical" little girl. Even typical children have their own challenges.

Snarla, I know we "talked" after the loss of your little guy. I am so glad you've been stopping in, however quietly. Please pipe in and give us a "holler" anytime you feel you want to. Thank you for sharing your hard journey. I had no idea of the details of your joyful triumphs and only an idea of your terrible pain. You sound like a mother with so much unconditional love. I thank God that you do have your beautiful little girl. She is lucky to have you. I so hope God continues to bless you and all mothers out there dealing with the challenges and absolute joys of having their beautiful children.

My husband took my beautiful children out today so mommy could have a Mother's Day to herself. Of course, I'm spending it doing a little resting, some work and catching up. However, after a wonderful breakfast in bed surrounded by my gorgeous family, I hope this will be the last Mothers Day I will ever spend without having my children nearby, until they grow up and make families of their own, when I have to let them be wrenched away and spend time with the beautiful families they have created.

Happy Mothers Day to all you Moms, including those who have children with you or elsewhere, all the fortunate Moms to Be, and all the Moms Who Hope to Be. I felt more like a Princess today than any birthday I've ever had, as I've been blessed with others like you who help me know, with no uncertainty, how lucky I am to be a mom. Sending hugs to all of you.

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Make someone's heart smile today.

I don't think anybody can say it any better than desertmom said it. We are all lucky to be mothers, as it is the greatest gift in the world. We are all lucky to have our boys and girls, with all of their trials and tribulations, good times and bad, happy moments and others that tug at our heart. We would not give anything for any of those memories and look forward to the ones that are yet to come. snarla, we are all here for you. You are very lucky to have had your sweet one bless your life while he was here. He will continue to look after you and your little girl, as you have always been his mommy and will always be. Continue to celebrate his life, your dh, your little girl's and your own. Every day we have together on this Earth is a blessing from God. So, congratulations to us all on not only mother's day, but every day!!

That was beautiful!! thanks for sharing that!! as I do have fairly healthy kids
I am blessed!! tho I do believe Id be blessed even if they were not!!
Ihave gotten a lot of flack lately for not wanting to do the Special tests for this baby I have growing now!! I just say Ill take what god gives me!!
and yes Im sure its not an easy road but its def a blessing and god has his reasons!! no matter the needs of a child They are a blessing!!!!

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Kelly mom to 2 gymmonkeys!!!

What beautiful words TommysMommy, I wish I would have read them on Mother's Day instead of today. I believe that I am very blessed to have the special DDs that I have. They help me put life into perspective and help me to see outside the box. To me life with them is normal and I wouldn't know what life was like with out OT, ST, therapists, psychiatrists, case workers, social workers, doctors and everyone else that has touched our lives. I truly believe I would be bored.

Snarla, I have no words to make things better because I just don't know how I would cope loosing a child. Right now my world seems out of control and I'm having panic attacks and crying spells all because my oldest DD is at a residential treatment facility and I can't take care of her and make life better/easier for her. Please know I have you in my heart and i will always be thankful for the time God has given me with my wonderful unique children.

That is a beautiful poem, TommysMommy! Snarla, I am so sorry about your little boy's passing. I wish all of you a belated Mother's Day.

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