where do i begin. we don't have mountains of credit card debt, actually we have only one card with a very low balance that gets paid off every month. my issue is that my husband is a spender. and so am i. i handle the finances and he's completely in the dark. we have recently fallen behind and honestly the light at the end of the tunnel is a month away if we play our cards right. dh income more than covers our bills, but he loves to buy lunch for his friends. he always wants the best of everything and just expects the money to be there. we have had serious marital problems in the past when his income wasn't so great and i'm scared that if i tell him to cut it out, he'll freak out me, because as we know, if i handle the money, then when it isn't there thats also my fault.j/k. i've tried to tell him no more lunches, movies etc. etc. and he agrees then he does it anyway and calls me after the fact to let me know, what do i do. i can't handle a "blow up" right now, i'm 6 months preggo in a very difficult pregnancy, i've got a 2 and 5 year old girls, we've just moved into a new house, my head is so ready to explode! dh works from 50-90 hours a week and really isn't around to "talk" to very much, but should i just deal with it and fix this or let him in on it and face the music?
stressed,
kristin

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Kristin Appell

My suggestion is to tell him that you are BOTH (so that he, hopefully, won't feel like it is just him) going on a Cash flow plan. Determine what your "plan" is for EVERY category - how much money you are going to spend for a month in that category. From lunches out, groceries, clothing, entertainment etc. Then put your credit card away. Give it to a trusted friend, put it in a block of ice in the back of your freezer - anywhere you can't get to it easily and then go CASH ONLY! Give your dh his portion that he can spend - but only for a week by week basis till he gets used to it. When you use cash you are more aware of what you are spending and it hurts more. Credit/debit never hurts at the time - just when you get the monthly bill.

So, hopefully you can work this together w/o the "blow up".

Hope this helps.

Rachel

A lot of people really like the Dave Ramsey series of financial help books... especially "Financial Peace". I would let dh in on the finances.... maybe putting him in charge for a month would make him more aware of the problem? Also, you could both try tracking your finances for a month the see who "spends" more- so he can see where the big money drains are. Money is such a tough issue for all marriages... you are not alone and there is help! I'm sure others on the board will have good advice for you, too.

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I don't believe in miracles; I depend on them

My dh is also in the dark about money. I swear if you gave him $10, he'd spend $15. The last 2 nights I've been reading Dave Ramsey's Total MOney Makeover book before I go to sleep and he hasn't even mentioned it (like "why are you reading that".) He's totally oblivious. Until they see the numbers in black and white, they don't get it. A couple years ago I made my dh take over the finances and it was an eye-opener for him - but then when I took back the finances, then he's forgotten already. Good luck - I hope he sees 'the light' soon!

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"It doesn't matter who you are, or where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always." ~Oprah~

My dh is the same way. the dave ramsey book helped and I made a list of what goes where and showed him. He has no idea which accounts we have and how much in them, one reason i dont tell him is then he will know and spend it. I can feel his brain ticking, okay we have $5000 what can i buy!

If we have a tight month I tell him that this month you have to cut the extras and he will. He will call me before he takes any money out or buys anything. If it is something he wont listen to me on, then i tell him that if he buys something there is a chance your card will bounce, then he will listen, he hates when the card bounces.

I would talk to him that this month is tight, cut the extras and if you dont then dont complain when your card bounces!

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We buy things we dont need,
with money we dont have,
in order to impress people
we dont like?
(Ramsey, D)

My suggestion is to write it all down on paper, everything. Income vs expenses, be sure to include whatever the lunches and extra are costing. You really won't have to say much if it's all there in black and white. Tell him to take a look at it and ask him for some suggestions on how to make it work. Men are fixers, or they like to think they are. Show him that there is a problem and that you will need his help to fix it. It takes two to have a fight, so don't fight with him, just present the facts in a nuetral nonaccusing way and tell him your stumpted and see what he says.

Good luck, don't forget we're here for you...

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The mighty oak started out as a nut that held its ground.

don't hide your financial situation from your spouse. That will only makes things worse in the long run. Use the suggestions from these ladies to present the info in a neutral, matter of fact, calm, rational matter. Do not blame or yell, just try to figure out a solution together - isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?? I'm concerned at how you stated he's reacted in the past when you've tried to discuss this kind of thing.

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Better to give your kids the values you have
than the valuables you can't afford.

Your marriage is a partnership, and so are your finances. He needs to be aware of the situation, and if you do it in a calm manner, hopefully it won't blow up on you. Plan a time to sit down and talk, definitely after the kids are asleep because you don't want the distractions.

As the others have said, when the numbers are in black and white - it will be obvious where the problems will be. Start with a spending plan - go back through your expenses for the last month to help you figure this out. Maybe give him a cash allowance for lunches/movies so he knows what he has available. Like someone else mentioned, when the cash is gone it is very obvious you are out money!! He is a grown up and needs to be responsible with the family's money. I know what you are dealing with - my DH is the same. But he has his allowance (as do I) and knows that he can blow money on "fill in the blank" with no arguments or discussion.

Whatever you do, good luck. It is hard but you need to take care of this.

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Debbie

"Watch the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves." --Benjamin Franklin

Bring it up now.. don't wait. You're already 6 months pregnant and it seems like it's already been building. Do you want to put any more stress on your marriage? Your unborn baby? Your health? I know it seems like it's hard to find the "right time" but you've gotta just let it out. Be an adult about it, of course, and take the responsibility of keeping tally of where your portion of the spending is going. He may work a lot of hours, but tell him you need to sit down together and go over your finances -- it's an extremely crucial and important aspect of your marriage & household. If he doesn't want to sit down, then take the initiative and draft up all the places the money is going to give it to him in black and white (as previously mentioned). Rework the numbers so there is less going out than there is coming in. Make the cut backs where appropriate, and do it for both you and him. If you expect him to change his ways, you must as well. if he doesn't see the problem of it all, then try to lay it out step by step.. if you have to, lovingly talk to him like he's two. LOL. well, i mean, try to explain to him what are necessities and what are "fillers".. and talk frankly with one another. try to avoid the "but you spend money so i can too" banter, and talk about the things that are deeper. figure out your feelings before you talk.. with another baby on the way, are you feeling more pressure to have a little cushion and that's why, though you aren't in mounds of debt, you're feeling as if you're on the cusp of a possible disaster with the current spending habits? are you appeasing his spending habits to avoid possible marital strife at a time where there is a TON of stress on yourself and your household already?

he always wants the best of everything and just expects the money to be there. we have had serious marital problems in the past when his income wasn't so great and i'm scared that if i tell him to cut it out, he'll freak out me, because as we know, if i handle the money, then when it isn't there thats also my fault.j/k.

DH and I went through a very hard time with this.. I've always handled the money, and at times it hasn't gone very well. LOL. but seriously, there is an unspoken stress in dealing with money (at least there is if you don't have an overabundance of it!). I would blame myself (and sometimes he'd add a little too!) if we went overdrawn, even for the times that he made the purchases that overdrew us! I thought he knew the stress I was under, but I guess he was so focused on his work that he didn't realize the severity of it. But to make matters worse, I didn't do anything about it for a while. I took the "don't ask don't tell" approach, which made things take a horrible turn for the worse, and we argued and screamed and fought over money.. We're better now. I sat with him and said "listen, it's not that I don't want you to buy things for yourself. It's just the opposite. I feel guilty that you can't. But as much as I love you and want you to have great things and do fun stuff for yourself, it is beating on me that I'm making myself solely to blame for it.. when that's not true. I don't purchase things that I want because I know that it is more important for us to have food on the table and gas in our car. Yes, sometimes it sucks, and I'm sure you feel sad that I can't indulge in my own desires, but the truth is, we have $X to work with, and $X in needed expenses. That leave us with $X leftover, and sure you can spend it if you really really want to. But know that I am not going to blame myself anymore for our financial flops if it isn't my fault. I'm doing the best I can -- I've made a budget, I'm sticking to it (ruthlessly nonetheless), and you're no longer in the dark. Ignorance was bliss, but now you know the truth of it all, and you can't blame it on my ignorance anymore." Course he was a little stunned, but he realized that he just wasn't clued into the secret heavy weight of being responsible for our family's financial provisions.. Clue him in, remove the "ignorance is bliss" veil over his eyes, and do the best you can with what you have. You have a lot going on right now, and if, after you tell him all of what you're dealing with, and he still isn't willing to change, then he can suck up the $32 charge for everytime he overextends your bank card -- and look like a fool in front of all his friends that he's buying dinner for!!! :D Girl you can only do so much! I'm praying for ya...

i just posted my own dh vent about money in chit chat. well my dh is thrifty like me and he still doesn't get it. our marriage was on the verge of divorce when dh lost he job and after figuring evrything out together I thought we were on the same track. apparently I was wrong. I think my dh doesn't like the idea of being put on a budget. they don't want to think about having to budget. I think it has to do more with ego. I wish you better luck,
I haven't been able to figure it out either. and remember money issues rarely have to do with actual money.

allgirls

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allgirls, mom to 3 girls

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