Would you move to save money? To a different town? With the kids having to change schools??

This is going to be long. Feel free to skim, but I could use any insight, input, advice or your own experiences/stories to help me! Please!

I'm getting married in July and we're trying to figure out where to live.

I currently live 26 miles away from where fiance lives and works. (Also, where I grew up and lived until we moved here 4 years ago) He is WILLING to move here but I can tell he doesn't really want to. He works 4 days a week, 12 hour days. So he will have to drive 52 miles each workday, which will cost a lot in gas, and also I get nervous about the thought of him driving that much, especially after a 12 hour shift and coming home at 1:00-2:00 am. It's a rural road, windy and bendy, with lots of 16-wheelers on it, day and night.

Also, I stay home and the plan is for me to continue to stay home and he is SO supportive of that and it's just a NON-issue. I feel that I am so lucky to have his support in this, that I should make it as easy as possible for him when it comes to HIM working, because he does work hard and makes good money. The only money I will be contributing is the child support I get and possibly some disability benefits, but we're not sure about that right now. (Still waiting to hear).

So.. we live in this great town. It's the town I went to college in. It's very liberal and progressive, but also very expensive. I moved here before Levi started school because I love the school system and everything is SO child-focused here. There are SO many activities, especially during the summer, for them to be involved in. I love it. But the rent here is CRAZY (I have only been able to afford it because of rental assistance the last 4 years which we won't have once we marry) and to buy a house here is almost impossible. A house we could buy where he lives for $70,000 would cost about $110,000+ here.

Also.. we want to have another baby soon after we marry, as he doesn't have any children of his own. We all know how expensive that is, what with diapers and all. Even if I breastfeed, which I plan to and have before, it's still expensive. And I know that fiance will be worried about money, and I just want to make things as simple and easy as I can, you know?

The other thing.. my kids spend a lot of time with their dad, who lives in the town we currently live in. So if we moved to fiance's town (my hometown as well), they would have to travel 26 miles 2-3 weekends per month to visit with dad, and I'm worried about that because we have bad winters here, and their dad is very forgetful also of making sure they have everything when they come home, and we have often had to pick things up at his house the next day (medicine that Abbey takes, hats, boots, etc.) and I am worried it would just be such a hassle.

And I would feel sad about taking the kids away from their dad. (ok, it's only 40 minutes, but still!) I don't think they would mind too much, but I worry it would affect their relationship with him. Then again, it sort of makes it easier that his dad lives here, because they have friends in dad's neighborhood that they would still get to see just as often even if we move, so that works out well.

Besides, a lot of the activities they do here we can only afford because I get camp scholarships, etc. Once I marry, our income will be too high to get those and we'd have to pay full price and I don't know if we could afford it anyway.

There are recreational activities back in my hometown too. It's a rural area, lots of hiking and mountains and lakes, etc. just like here. It's a milltown which doesn't excite me, and not as liberal/progressive as it is here, but a lot of people live there and love it. My best friend also just recently moved there! She used to live 1/2 hour away in the OTHER direction, so she was over an hour away from me. Now she's 40 minutes from me and if I moved, we'd live near each other!

BUT I hate the thought of my kids having to change schools! I think the school system HERE is better, but I think sometimes they overstress them because they pile on too much stuff.. foreign language starting in 1st grade, violin starting in 3rd, etc. in addition to all their regular studies/homework, etc.

But neither of them like the thought of switching schools and I don't blame them! I know this is an adult decision, but I just keep thinking "what if we move and they hate it there??"

My family all lives there, as well as fiance's, but that's not a HUGE factor, as I didn't see them much back when I lived there before. They're just all busy or we're not close, etc.

I don't know guys.. what are your thoughts?? I came here 4 years ago because I wanted a better life for my kids.. my hometown is just a bit .. stagnant.. I think. Though my friend seems to love it. Maybe because she didn't grow up there and she doesn't have the emotional baggage that I do re: the town, the people in it, etc.

Also, fiance has an ex and I have an ex that both live in that area, and I REALLY don't want to run into them grocery shopping, etc. They are both a bit crazy and I don't like the idea of getting too close. I like my life quiet and drama-free, thank you.

But I just keep thinking of how much money we'd save.. that life would be simpler. You know?

Please.. insight?

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Carly
SAHM to:
DS Levi (9)
DD Abbey (7)

i say move to save money. i did, and i'm glad i did.

as for the kids dad forgetting things, you could always make a list of what they took and check it off as they get in the vehicle to make sure things are all there. just be prepared! that should be easy... it sucks that you have to do more work cuz he's forgetfull but its better than having to treak back and forth from your town to his town.


heck, i would say go for it! have a great new married life! save money!! sounds like a great year to come for you!

good luck!

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My choices yesterday create my today. My choices today create my tomorrow.

Wow, you have a lot to think about.
Personally, I wouldn't move just to save money when there are all those other factors. I believe that it's important for children to see both parents regularly. It's enough of a hardship when both parents live close to each other; I wouldn't want to add the burden of distance.
As far as the drive to work, where I live, a 26-mile commute is the norm.
Would it be possible to move to the outskirts of your town? THat way your children could remain in the same school system if not the same school. Their father would be reasonably close by.
The other financial things -- camps, etc. -- well, you'll have to prioritize and adjust your budget as you can. Maybe dad would be willing to pay for some of these thigns.

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~Jeweled

We moved from Pennsylvania to Florida, to save money. The cost of living is cheaper, school is better, etc... We really researched before we did it. Before moving I worked full time, after moving I don't work out of the home. I have a small daycare at home and that is all.

I was going to suggest possibly moving to the outskirts of town as well.

If you decide to move, you can always meet your ex half way with the kids and do the same to pick them up. That way you're only driving half way and if you meet him and he forgets the medicine, etc, you can hold the kids in your car and he can run back to his place to grab it real quick. If you do move, I agree with making a list of things that need to be remembered. Write them down onto a piece of paper and put it into a ziploc bag (to keep it waterproof and prevent ripping) and hook them to your child's backpack. Your kids are old enough to go through the checklist and make sure they have everything they need before they come home; your son can help his little sister if needed.

Maybe you could arrange a day where you and your children could go visit the other school and have a counselor show them around. They may find that it's exciting.

If you do decide to move, I found a cool project in Family Fun that sounds right up your alley. The family decided to move back to where they had family, but for about 6 months before they moved, the child's cousins sent her pictures of fun places they went. She talked to the cousins on the phone about the places and why they were so fun and then made a scrapbook. They took pictures of their new house, and her new room, and put them in the scrapbook. She had months to picture where she'd put her bed, what she'd do with her toys, etc. By the time they moved, she was excited to go because she could finally visit the zoo or the park or the local ice cream shop in person!

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Thank you all so much for your speedy replies. Yes, it's a lot to think about, and I'll chew it over (read: obsess about it!) at every possibly angle, I'm sure.

this is a good idea and definitely something we'd have to do. I admit that their father holds them accountable at a greater degree than I do. I always doublecheck everything before school, etc. to make sure they have everything. He doesn't do that. What he isn't understanding is that it's not just them that suffers the consequences, it's ME too, when he leaves for vacation for a week with his wife and son and my daughter doesn't have any gym sneakers for school because they were left at his house! (Yes, this just happened recently, lol). So we would definitely need to get organized.

Just to clarify, they wouldn't see him less. They would still spend the weekends they normally do with him and then he has them for large chunks of time during the summer as well.

yes, I know that it's the norm in a lot of places. However, if we didn't HAVE to do that, it would be nice. I used to commute even farther than that, but it was because I needed to, to get a good-paying job, so I had no choice. In this case, I feel that living here or moving back there is a very conscious choice that we CAN make and need to make, you know?

yes, and this is definitely an option that we have been thinking of. It's just that there's not a lot of housing available. They would have to switch schools until they reached 7th grade when the towns merge, so either way there would be some big changes. But yes, this remains a viable option.

you're right.. prioritizing is a must, and we have done pretty well. Just FYI, their dad isn't interested in paying anything outside his child support amount, which is automatically taken from his paycheck and mailed to me via a third party. It is his belief that child support money should cover all the extras as well as the necessities (I get about $500/month for the 2 of them). After his wife had their baby 3 years ago, he even asked me if I would be willing to forego child support so that their budget wouldn't be so tight with her not working. He's not an awful person, he's a good dad.. just an example to show you up close and personal his views on what he should and should not have to provide. Needless to say, my response was "um... no."

Sounds great! I know a couple of the teachers back in my hometown (I went to high school with them) and I think I am going to ask them for their personal views on the schools there, having an insider's view on it and all. I know the cost of living is WAY lower.

Again, a great idea! He's always late for everything and there is NOTHING in between our town and my old town... just farmland and trees, lol. So nowhere to "hang out" and wait if we needed to. So I thought maybe I could bring the kids THERE and he could bring them back, etc. But meeting in the middle, if he was able to do it re: time, etc. would be a great idea! Thanks.

Pinned right to the bag, what a perfect idea. We should start doing that now, even if we don't move! lol.

Yeah, sometimes I think they would be excited about it. I'm sure there would be a whole range of emotions.. fear, excitement, nervousness, etc. The idea to show them around the school is great (the school there is K-5, so both my kids would be in the same school too, which would be nice for them while learning to adjust). Also, I thought maybe trying to get set up on playdates with a couple kids their age, maybe a couple families the school "refer" us to or something. I could put up a sign at the library (where I worked all through high school, lol) asking people to call for playdates, or something.
This sounds cute.. I could modify it a bit, since we've lived there before. (But they don't remember living there.) We go to different places when we go back to visit my mom (like you said, a playground, an ice cream shop, etc.) but there were places we didn't go when we lived there just because they were too young at the time. There are no zoos or museums or anything because it's SO rural, but there are hiking places and a mountain that has a pool and a daycamp, and in the winter they have skiing and sledding/tubing there, etc. Maybe we could just hang out there here and there and go to some places like that. I'm sure I can modify this idea and make it really fun.

I think kids feed a lot on their parents feeling/emotions about things, too. So if we decide to move, I need to acknowledge their uncertainty and fear and validate it, but also be confident in our decision as adults and what is best for our family. That is hard for me, because I am always seeking outside validation that I'm making the right choice, etc.

Gosh, I'm so torn!

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Carly
SAHM to:
DS Levi (9)
DD Abbey (7)

I'm wondering where you live that 26 miles is considered a long commute, and where $70-110K is a lot of money for a house. For me to find a house that cheap, I'd be looking in some mighty bad Detroit neighborhoods. I've been driving 26 miles each way for YEARS, and I couldn't get any sympathy as my drive was less than half that of most.

Anyway, I think you two need to decide where you want to live as a FAMILY. It might not be where it's perfect for him as a single, or perfect for you as a single, but where it's good for ALL of you. Maybe you don't need to move the whole 40 minutes away from your child's father, altho, really, that is nothing. Maybe you could move 20 minutes closer to your fiance's job? Split the difference?

calimari ~ PM'ed you re: where I am. lol.


not looking for sympathy, just trying to save money.

edited to add: what I wrote sounds really snarky.. just wanted to say I was being silly and calimari and I have been PM'ing about this thread, so it's not a snarky thing!

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Carly
SAHM to:
DS Levi (9)
DD Abbey (7)

I think you should take into consideration your new husband. That would be a lousy drive for him and it wouldn't be good for a new marriage to start like that. It is dangerous after those hours and he will get very tired of it very soon. The drive for your ex isn't that bad and he will I am sure do so to be with his kids. You could do the he has some things at his house and you have some things at yours so it doesn't matter if he forgets things you will have some at your house. I hope that what ever you decide you really think it over and know in your heart is it the best for all of you.

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well the first thing is that how old are your kids exactly?? I may have skimmed to quickly to see- but if they are younger than middle school age- ( 5th grade or younger) I think an optional move would be fine. Optional move meaning, you just want to move, rather than have to.
Moving in middle school or high school when you don't really have to can be pretty traumatic for kids.

anyway, not knowing where you live, is there any town or anyplace to live that's sort of- halfway in between where your Dh works and where you live now?? or if you live on the outskirts of the town where he works- in the general direction of where you live now- does that make sense?? for example, if my DH worked in downtown phoenix, we could live west-in glendale, or east, in Chandler. I'd live on the side where the ex hubby lives so the kids visitation wouldn't be come a huge pain.

Anyway, I think your key deciding factor is the age of your kids. and to answer your question, yes I would move to save money if my kids were small.