I thought we had it all, the tantrums, and the not listening, and the defiance at age 3, but I am pretty sure, that the trying 4's have started as well.

My son is almost 4, and he is an incredible independant child, very happy, very curious, and very creative.
But lately he has not been listening at all, when I tell him to pick up a few toys, he says "no" when I tell him to stay in bed at bed time he won't do it, he gets upset with the littlest things, I tell him to put his underwear on (he knows how to do this) and he won't do it, so after a while, I do it, and then he gets mad because I put his underwear on and tells me "me try it".

This cycle goes on and on sometimes, more during the afternoons.

He eats tons during the day, fruits and stuff like that, but dinner time is a battle, I am lucky I can get him to eat a piece of something.

and at the end of the night, I feel exhausted, and thankfully I have a great husband who helps me, but he is at a loss at what to do as well.

I so hear you! My DS turned four a month ago and is exhibiting the same types of behavior. What is working is to be consistant. Since they are independent boys they will not like their freedom taken away.

For example, you said you tell him several times to put on his underwear before you do it. He is getting the reaction he wants. Be consistant and only give him ONE chance (tell him this is how it is going to be for now on). If he doesn't do it then you calmly go do it. When he sees it doesn't bother you (on the outside - your blood may boil inside) then he will start to do it again.

If you make him dinner and he won't eat - just tell him he will be going to bed without anything. If he is hungry he will eat. If he chooses not to eat with the family and says he is hungry as he is getting into bed, tell him to remember this for tomorrow. But he will not get anything tonight. He is 4 and understands. Trust me it will only happen once.

The other thing we have started and it IS working is to praise him for ANYTHING good he does. But make him proud of himself, not "you". You want him to grow up being strong not wanting to only please other people, KWIM? A good book that shares this process is Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes - A Family Peace Plan by Cynthia Whitham.

Good Luck and I hope this helps a bit - you are not alone!

__________________
PLEASE go to http://mommysavers.com/boards/mommys...ncer-walk.html to learn about preventative measures for all women - cancer does not discriminate!

I understand...I was just about to post a question on what to do with this behavior. I have a 4 1/2 dd and my dh and I are going to through this. Dr. Kevin Leman http://www.drleman.com/index.php he's an internationally-known Christian psychologist, bestselling author, radio and television personality, and speaker. He has great advice.

__________________

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

Thank you so much for the great advice.
I think what is going on is, that we don't have a consistant routine at all, my husband works crazy hours, and we (mikey and I) kind of live the crazy hour routine as well.
Maybe I just need to start a concistant routine, I think kids like Mikey who are spirited need a consistant routine, so they know what is coming.

Get "Raising your Spirited Child" at the library. I loaned mine out, so I can't remember who wrote it, but it's so good. I originally bought it because of my baby - someone on Mommysavers recommended it. However - I didn't find it useful for her. I did, though, describe my 3 year old so well this author could have been living in our house. It has really made a difference in the way I react with her. There is a chapter where she talks about a little girl who was determined to walk in the house, shut the door and take off her own coat - or some scenario like that. The author picked up the girl (because it was freezing outside) and brought her in. The tantrum began. The only way to calm her was to let her go back outside and walk in, shut the door, etc. This is my child. Now that I have rearranged the way I deal with her and I majorly don't fight the small stuff. I was one of those people who were horrified at the sight of children in the grocery store with a cowboy hat and tutu on, but guess what? I'm probably never going to see those people at Target again - who cares what she wears there? She has bizarre routines that she wants to do and I let her. Most of the time, if I can get her to tell me why she is having a tantrum - I can fix it. "I wanted to squeeze out the toothpaste" - well, here you go. I am very hurry-hurry-rush-rush due to my former career, and I am now convinced that I have this child for that very reason. To make me slow down and appreciate her fully. She is really amazing, and I don't think I would have fully noticed it if I hadn't read this book. My other saving grace is that my DS, who just turned 5, has taught me that children turn into the most amazing little people around age 4 - I've always been deeply in love with him, but now I get to watch while he explores his newfound interests, has discussions with me and teaches me things about animals and science that I never knew were possible. See if you can find a class or activity that really interests him and you might see some changes. It will get better - I promise!!!

Thanks for the advice about the spirited child book. That does sound a lot like my oldest dd. Anyway, as for the original poster, I would say that routine is one of the most important things to keep up with. Also, as we just came from our dd's 4 yo check-up, our pediatrician said that most kids eat the majority of their food before about 3 pm, so dinner isn't as critical as one might think. Obviously you know your child best, but it sounds like he's getting a lot of food before dinner time, so maybe he really isn't hungry. Another huge thing that a friend (also a pediatrician) recommended I do when dd starts pushing my buttons, is to just ignore, and avoid the power-struggles. Give a direction/request ONCE, then ignore all the other stuff that accompanies it from your child. It totally works. My dd has been telling me I'm a bad mommy lately, and rather than try to argue with her, or tell her why I'm not a bad mommy, etc., I just ignore it and literally walk away from her. Give it a shot. HTH

__________________
~Jenn~

I am right with you!! I have 4 ds and he is going to give me gray hair!! He is the #3 son and tries and tries me. I am looking it that book today!!!

__________________
Lisa

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz

I hear ya!!! Logan turned four one week after I had Karley and I don't know if it is the 4's or new baby or what but this is not the child I had for the first 3 years. Ugh!!! He sometimes just drives me crazy and always has to ask why why why.... If you figure out something please let me know lol...