What to do with a tattle taler?

Doozer · **What to do with a tattle taler?**

My three year old has become the town crier about everything his brother does. I realize this is a normal part of development, however, I do not want to encourage this behavior. Neither dh nor I react to his tattling. We instead tell him to tell his brother what it is that is bothering him and to help his brother fix the problem. Zach refuses to hear that. He would rather just tattle every five seconds. It's so irritating.

I have seen some of my friends encourage this behavior in their kids so that they can get "inside" information about things from their children. By that I mean finding out what their other children are doing through the tattler, or find out what the babysitter does, etc. It really upset me to see that. In essence they are training their kids to be snitches. I would much rather be INVOLVED with my kids, than to simply just have them report back to me about their siblings.

Sorry tangent...back to the matter at hand....

Dh and I have tried to tell Zach to handle the situation himself by communicating his concerns with the person involved but that goes in one ear and out the other and then out of his mouth into our's.

What more can we do? I really don't want him to continue with this tattling!

2bearsmom · 10-08-2006, 06:13 PM

DD went thorugh it, you're right, it is a normal part of growing up....My kids know I don't want to hear it unless someone is hurt or it is something Mommy really needs to hear (is something on fire?) It took tellign them over and over and over, butthey get the idea....repitition was the key....
On the tangent part....I agree with you 100%, I don't think it's right to use the kids to find out what's going on with someone/something else. I don't want my kid to be the class tattle tale...I'd rather stop the tatteling now.

Doozer · 10-08-2006, 07:52 PM

Shell that scene picture in your siggy made me cry when I watched that Charlie Brown Halloween movie. I am not kidding!

By the way, thanks for the input. I know it will pass, but I just hope my kid lives through it!!! LOL

desertmom · **tattletale**

With Aspergers, my son is sooo into following the rules, he wants everyone else to do so, so becomes a policeman. It's become an issue in school, but not with him only, so we've addressed it and had the teachers address it. We tell him that if someone is getting hurt, or he needs to defend himself, and he tells an adult, it is not tattling. He doesn't need to tell about a friend getting hurt, as this friend can take care of himself, unless the friend needs help. If he's telling someone just to get someone back, or just to get someone in trouble, it is tattling, and is not right. They will usually get caught on their own. However, he got confused and after a kid sucker punched him, he didn't tell an adult because he would be doing it just to get the kid in trouble. We had to reinforce that it is not tattling if someone is getting or HAS GOTTEN hurt. It is hard for the kids, and trying for us, for them to learn where to draw the line. What is dangerous and what is not? Why should he get away with stealing a cookie when I can't have one? It's a toughie. I really don't want to punish tattling, just get it to lessen. He tells on his dad all the time and I just go, "Um hmmm." or "Oh. Why are you telling me?"

Doozer · 10-10-2006, 06:50 AM

My three year old is very by the book too, when it comes to his younger brother. It's almost scary how he watches his brother and wants to report all the things his brother is doing wrong!!! And yet, when we call him out on things he is doing all we get is grief!!!!! I know this is typical. It's just frustrating.

ash52402 · 10-10-2006, 07:24 AM

when my mom ran a daycare she used to punish the tattler as was as whoever they tattled on, unless it was something serious but it seemed to work. she never used any major punishments just maybe corner time or something small like that the tattler hated it.

kellynkay · 10-10-2006, 08:19 AM

After trying to explain how it's not nice, they should try to help the other person, etc etc, etc.....I started this method with both my all my kids. Mind you - it only curbs the telling, not stop it, but it does help.

Unless there is danger or someone is hurt I have told them they need to draw it out in a picture (or for my 9 yo she needs to write a paragraph of at least ten sentences) telling or showing what they are "tattleing" on. If it doesn't come to me in that form I won't listen to them tattle. Usually they don't want to take the time to do it. I figured that if they were gonna tell on someone for no "real" reason then they should get some benefit (educational, motor skill, something) from it too.

treehugger · 10-10-2006, 08:59 AM

Oh I'm so glad you brought this topic up. My oldest is going through it now. I can't believe it either because there used to be a little girl in preschool who would tattle on him every single day when I walked in the room, "###'s mom.... guess what ### did today..." ugh!

But my son has been telling me how he has been telling the teacher and principal on the "bad kids" at school. I found myself this weekend trying to explain the difference between telling because you need the help of an adult and telling to get someone in trouble. It's really a difficult thing to get across, there are a million what if's.

My son is very rule oriented, so if I can make a rule that he understands, he will never break it. It's the fuzzy things like this that are so difficult. I think they do it for attention and they want to be the good guy or hero for telling on the bad guy. But they need to learn when it's acceptable or they are going to get beat up for goodness sake.

No real advice, just wanted you to know your not alone.

Jilli's Mommy · **reporting/tattling**

Our sitter uses "reporting" which the kids tell her something she needs to know...someone's hurt, broken, etc. or Tattling "somebody did this or that, they're bugging me, etc". SHe talked to them about how to work out conflicts, but telling the person what their issue was and talked about how to fix it. This didn't always work, but it helped

desertmom · **picture**

I LOVE kellynkay's idea. If it's important enough, draw me a picture, or write it down for me. If it's important to them, they will, but I know that most won't. I used this tactic with my employees when they complained about another department. I told them to document everything, then write up a synopsis and their suggestion for improvement, then email me and I would run with it. It cut down on so many frivolous complaints and bad mood rants! But at the same time, you are giving their feelings credence. If it's important to you, you will give it to me in proper form, and we will then address it. I like it!