Adoption question....what if you want to and dh doesn't?

heather61172 · 06-18-2008, 09:08 AM

I would love to have another child a few years from now...maybe in about 2 years. I have mentioned it a few times to dh but he is against it.
After dd 3, who will be 5 soon, he had a vasectomy done. I had 3 really hard pregnancies as far as being sick as a dog, I know I could not do it again.

I just turned 36 and have always felt that adoption is something I would love to do for many reasons. Dh I feel is against having anymore kids. I think we will be in a better place in a few years as far as money because of our new business so money will not be much of an issue I am hoping.

I am just wondering what I should do if dh doesn't want to adopt but I still have my heart set on it in a few years.

mommy&wifeisme · 06-18-2008, 09:41 AM

I think when it comes to a child if you are not both on board it just shouldn't be.

calimari · 06-18-2008, 11:24 AM

You both have to be on board with it. Especially in an adoption - it's a lot of work and a lot of money, interviews, physicals, etc. If he's not into it, he won't be as good a father to an adopted child as he is to the others. If you still want to make a difference in another child's life, contact social services about adopting a family for the holidays, or a local big sister program or something.

melsb · 06-18-2008, 11:54 AM

I have worked with a lot of adopted children and I have to say, if you decide to adopt your husband has to be on board 100%. I have see a few, not many, fathers that did not buy into the adoption like they did with their birth child and it is not fair to that adoptive child.

I know one young man that was adopted by his parents who later got divorce. His father went on to remarry and had a birth daughter by his new wife. It was heartbreaking to watch that man send out a holiday card with his wife and new daughter and not even mentioning his son.

Addimom · 06-18-2008, 01:09 PM

Adoption is tough and not for the "faint of heart". You absolutely HAVE to be there for each other 100%. There are more "highs and lows" than anyone would ever imagine. Your DH may come around in a few years but if he doesn't, it really isn't an option, IMO. Don't get me wrong, we are whole-heartedly adoption advocates (we have chosen this for our family) but you HAVE to be on the same page for it to be successful...for you, but more importantly, for the children. I say keep talking about it with him. You never know.

carlitasway · 06-18-2008, 01:13 PM

I know this isn't something you want to hear but if he isn't on the same page with you on this then you can't do it.

ETA I guess technically you could do it but you would be messing with two lives here. Dh's and the adoptive child. If your dh ends up resenting you for it it would make a bad living environment for everyone. This is something to absolutely be on the same page on.

stacia · 06-18-2008, 08:42 PM

I agree with everyone else but I just have to say that you really shouldn't worry yourself about it now. You said first off that you're thinking about in a few years...that's a long time away, you never know what can happen b/w now and then. You don't know how he will feel, you don't know how you will feel either. You also said you have a new business-that's alot of responsibility that you don't know what's coming in the future with. All in all, I'd just enjoy your "now" and revisit the issue with him again in a few years.

If at that time he is still against it and you are still set on it, you might want to look into doing a temporary arrangment with your local child services department like emergency short term foster care. That might be something you would both feel is a compromise and it's desperately needed in almost every location. But both of you will feel major resentment of each other if you don't agree on what's best!