Milestones: Let's Hear it for Self-Doubt
by Connie Colwell Miller
If you’re anything like me, you read mothering books and magazines by the handful. You devour parenting columns, newspaper articles on education, and opinions pieces on children’s health. You discuss child behavior ad nauseam with mom friends and family members. You mull over every cotton-picking aspect of your child’s life, hoping you’ll find some nugget of truth you can apply to your life that will make you a better parent.
Despite this habit (which borders on compulsion, I’ve got to tell you), you’re constantly questioning, “Am I doing the right thing?”
Before you jump to the conclusion that this is another “hey, Mom, relax” column, I’d like to get straight to the point: embrace that self-doubt, sister!
Now this may sound cynical, but chances are you’re not doing this parenting thing exactly right. I know I’m not. However, when I finally rest my head on my pillow each night, I’m left with an overwhelming sense of optimism: damn it all, I’m really trying.
In my opinion, it’s this trying that makes us good at what we do.
For years (decades, really) I’ve been bugging the hell out of myself about my uncertainty, about how difficult it is for me to rest easy with decisions
I’ve made or haven’t made. Make a call, Connie. One year of preschool or two? TV or no TV? Broccoli or cauliflower?
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that my Achilles’ heel as a woman is the very quality that makes me so malleable as a mother. If I was the type of person who was completely confident of the veracity of my every decision, I wouldn’t be as open to change, to the suggestions of experts, to breakthroughs and new ideas, and therefore to the ever-changing needs of my children.
An oversimplified example: do you think Hitler was kept awake at night by doubts about whether persecuting the Jews was really the right thing to do? Had he had a mother’s sense of self-doubt, he might have taken a second look at his actions, read a few scathing criticisms of his tyranny, looked his advisors in the eye, and changed his course. Who knows?
No one’s perfect. No one. Even the mom you’re imagining right now in your head — nope, she’s not perfect either. (I’ll bet she even farts in the shower.) Every single one of us breaks down at some time, errs in some way, big or small. But I firmly believe that as long as you’re questioning every action and willing to change based on new information, you’ll improve. Each and every day.
I’ve finally decided that my doubts lead me to important questions. My questions lead to learning. And, well, even children know what learning leads to…
So I’m just saying: take your doubt and roll with it, people. Its very presence shows how much you care.
About the Author: Connie Colwell Miller is a freelance writer, editor, and poet. She holds a degree in creative writing from Minnesota State University, Mankato, where she now teaches part-time. She and her husband, Jason, spend their free time chasing after their free-spirited son, Miles.
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