As we all know, people have traditionally divided a woman’s pregnancy into three trimesters, identifiable by certain physical characteristics in the mother and the developing fetus.

However, now that I’m expecting my second baby, I’ve decided to set aside the information provided by those with the medical degree in lieu of my own version of the pregnancy stages.

Please keep in mind that the stages I’ve outlined here are malleable. While, according to your doctor, the third trimester cannot occur before the first, my categories are more flexible. Some may even occur simultaneously.

See what you think.

1. The Eat It and Puke It Stage
This stage (which involves an infuriating amalgamation of intense hunger, the inability to eat any food, and the subsequent vomiting of said lack of food) is also known as the “hell on earth” stage and the “never again” stage. It may be accompanied by a lack of personal hygiene, a pile of stinking dishes, violent mood swings, and the inability to brush the teeth without vomiting. For some women, a cranky husband exists simultaneously.

Note: Some women do not get morning sickness. This stage is not for you. We’ll put you in the same category with the women who have babies who sleep through the night at four months. We have a word for women like you.

2. The Nothing to Wear Stage
This stage is associated with a bloated and sensitive abdomen. To button your pants would cause any of several major issues (see Stage 4). However, you still somehow manage to look ridiculous in maternity clothes.

3. The “Hands Off!” Stage
The breasts feel like giant zits about to pop. Touch them and die!

4. The Farting Stage
I have to admit, this is my favorite stage. For me, it coincides with the end of Stage 1, so its arrival is much anticipated. Besides, I get to give my husband a taste of his own medicine.

5. The Garbage Disposal Stage
If it’s remotely edible, it goes in the mouth. Suddenly, your toddler’s leftover macaroni and cheese doesn’t look so bad. Even if it is stuck to his neck.

6. The HOT Stage
“Man, it’s hot in here. Turn on the A/C. Geez, aren’t you dying in this room? Open the windows!” You get the idea.

7. The Tortoise Stage
This stage arrives at a different point for every woman (karma ensures that the women who do not experience Stage 1 tend to encounter Stage 7 much earlier). The body begins to slow down and appears about to cave beneath the massive weight of itself. This stage is often accompanied by insensitive comments from strangers such as, “So, are you ever going to have that kid?” and “Wow, it seems like you’ve been pregnant forever.“ Some women like to call this category the “Get This Thing Out of Me” stage.

8. The Labor Stage
Sorry, totally blocked this out. Oh, wait. I do have one memory: ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

9. The New Baby Stage
And then, thank the Lord, we’re done. Less than a year later, and we have a new baby. And while we do encounter an array of difficulties with newborns (don’t get me started on the joys of beginning breastfeeding), it is equally rewarding, don’t you think?

Why else would we keep having more?

 

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